My wife and I saw a doctor to help us with memory issues. He suggested we write things down to help our recall.

That evening, while in bed, my wife asks me for a dish of vanilla ice cream. She suggests I practice by writing it down. “No way! I can’t forget that” was my reply. As I left the bedroom, she asked for whipped cream also. I said ok and she again asked me to write it down. My reply was the same. I reached the kitchen and I heard her ask for a cherry on top. Again she asked me to write it down, but I told her “I got it, vanilla ice cream, whipped cream and a cherry on top.”

Ten minutes later I returned with a plate of bacon and eggs. She replied, “I told you, you should have written it down. You forgot my toast.”

Things that make you say What?

❗️I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

❗️We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...

❗️I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

❗️ My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

❗️ I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

❗️ The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....

❗️ When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

A buddy and his proctologist friend go out to play a round of golf. After the first hole they realize that they forgot a pencil to write down the scores so the proctologist's buddy says to him "Hey, let me use that pen in your pocket" Proctologist hands it to him and the guy says, "This isn't a pen, its a rectal thermometer." Proctologist apologizes, reaches in his pocket again and hands him another pen. Guy gets it and says again, "this isnt a pen either, it too is a rectal thermometer. Proctologist puts it back in his pocket and says, "Dang, some ahole has my pen"

:1rotfl:

Some great ones, CDM!

Thanks M'lady. :ho:

I noticed three hefty women in the bar and their were talking with an accent. I went over and said, "Evening Lassies, are you from Scotland?" One of them screeched at me: "No you idiot, Wales." I said sorry, "Are you three Whales from Scotland.? That's the last thing I remember.

Although not technically a "joke," it did make me chuckle at reading about how Karma...seems to have nailed this dude. :thumbup:

Cheater Busted (pucker up here)

Pretty much dead on. :D

:ohdear: I have two tickets for the 2020 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. I paid $2,500 each ticket, but I didn't realize last year when I bought them, it was going to be on the same day as my wedding. If you are interested, I am looking for someone to take my place... It's at St. Tim's Church, in The Villages at 3 p.m. Her name is Stacy. She's 5'2, about 120 lbs. She's a good cook, cleans and does dishes too. She'll be the one in the white dress. :)

Real bravery! :1rotfl:...:1rotfl:...:1rotfl:

A little girl is sitting on Grandads knee. Grandad she says can you make a noise like a frog. Yes says Grandad, but why would you want me to do that. Well says the little girl Mummy says when you croak were all going to Disneyland

Great one

Interviewed a woman for employment, went over the job description and duties. Asked her if she had any questions. She replied “ how many sick days will i get” that ended the interview.

People that confuse the words "burro" and "burrow" don't know their a$$ from a hole in the ground..

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"

The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake."

The moral of the story is:

When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.

This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter.


:ho:

I felt her pain. 😉

So true.

:1rotfl:

A young guy from North Carolina moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Carolina."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Carolina, but you're not in the mountains anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing

I love it.

Some people have accused me of using too many contractions, but...


It's what it's.


.

Well, I thought it was cute

Ladies beware!
 

A blonde is driving in the country and sees a blonde in a rowboat in a corn field, rowing. She looks at her husband in the passenger seat and says, that woman in that rowboat gives all blonds a bad reputation. If I could swim I would go out there and kick her ass.

:1rotfl::1rotfl::1rotfl:

Two engineers were standing under a flagpole when a woman walked by and asked what they were doing. They said that they needed to measure the height of the pole, but they didn't have a ladder. The woman took a wrench from her purse and removed the nuts at the bottom of the pole and laid it down on the ground. Then, she took out a tape measure, measured the pole, and told them it was 29 feet, 8 inches. After she left, one engineer said to other, "a lot of good that will do us, she gave us the length, but we need the height".

A group of 12 women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked"How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.


Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cellphones and text their husband "I love you, sweetheart."

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.

Below are 12 actual hilarious replies from their husbands.
If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love.
Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?
2. Hey, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. Are you sure this is for me?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

A man got married, and on their wedding night, he made his wife promise to never look in the box in the attic. For thirty years, she was faithful to her promise, but finally she broke down. She went to the attic and opened the box. There she found a large stack of $100 bills and 2 golf balls.

Later that night, she confessed to her indiscretion, and asked her husband what was the reason for the 2 golf balls. He admitted that every time he was unfaithful with another women, he would put a golf ball in the box. His wife, being very understanding, said that being unfaithful twice in 30 years really wasn't a big deal. Her husband then added that every time he collected a dozen balls, he sold them. His wife collapsed on the floor.