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A woman sat down at her seat on the 50-yard line for the Super Bowl. A man came along and asked her if anyone was sitting in the seat next to her. "No," she said, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?" Somberly, the woman says, "Well... the seat belongs to my husband. He and I were to come here together, but he passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been to together." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The woman shakes her head, "No, they're all at the funeral." |
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The coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?" "Yes, coach", replied the boy.... "Do you understand that what matters is we win or lose as a team?" The boy nodded in yes. The coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, jerk-face or a-hole. Do you understand all that?" Again, the boy nodded yes. And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb ass or ****head is it?" "No, coach. "Good," said the coach, "Now go over there and explain all that to your Grandmother"!
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Bwahaha!
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Terrific!
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A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your azzes in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are ticked off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen." |
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When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic.
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I've read thousands of resumes over the course of my 40 plus years in HR. I had a folder (unfortunately lost in one of our moves) of "memorable resumes", which contained some of the most unbelievable products. One was from a college graduate (from a very good school) who applied for a position as a "prufreader". I thought it had to be a joke but, unfortunately, it was not. |
THE BAR
A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific." The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!" He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar. "Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?" "Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary." :D |
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One of my favorites was the guy who took a complete additional page, to explain all of his run-ins with the law (6 or 7 separate incidents). His last one said, "they accused me of armed robbery, but the charges were dropped because they didn't have any video proof...and couldn't find the gun." :oops: :1rotfl: |
When life gives you MELONS ..... you are Dyslexic.:oops:
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- Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
- I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day. - I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised. - My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away. - My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down. - My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort. |
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Nice try...
Carpool Lane Violation (zoom-by here)
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LOL very funny
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I would be worried about a lawsuit...from someone having a heart attack. :1rotfl:
On second thought it's China...so never mind. :D Edit: Look at the guy on the left @ :40...he peed his pants! :1rotfl:...:1rotfl: |
I was having trouble with my computer so I called my 13-year old son to help me.
He clicked a couple of buttons and fixed it. As he was walking back to his room I asked him what the problem was. He said: "It was in ID ten-t" issue. Not wanting to sound stupid but curious in case I had the same problem again, I asked him what an Id-Ten t was. "Write it down," he said. So I did. IDIOT. (He never was my favorite child.) |
I was at a bar the other night and overheard 3 very hefty women talking. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I asked, “Hello, ladies are you lassies from Scotland?”
One of them angrily screeched, “It’s Wales you bloody idiot, Wales!” So I apologized and replied, “I am so sorry. So are you three whales from Scotland?” And that’s the last thing I remember. |
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For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
Tom was driving home from a business trip in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car. Resuming the journey, Tom tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Tom. 'What in bag?' asked the old man. Tom looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.' The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said: 'Good trade.....' |
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(My wife reads this thread. :) ) |
Ain't it the truth?!
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder..."Instruction Manuals." |
Is the sponsored link a joke, sorry!
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:1rotfl::mademyday:
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Understanding engineers -
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. |
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Ain't it the truth! :D
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NOPE...JUST NOPE! :1rotfl:...:1rotfl:
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I haven't read all the jokes on this thread, forgive me if this has already been posted.
And please also forgive me if it offends anyone, but I couldn't resist. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- All arrivals in heaven have to go through an examination to determine if admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs records of what each applicant did on their last day of life. The first day’s applicant explains that his last day was not good. "I came home early and found my wife naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and the shower was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was angry and bashed his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by an awning. Seeing him still alive, I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.” The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room. The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on an apartment building roof working on AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment, but some idiot came rushing out and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell, but landed on an awning and survived. But, as I looked up, I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I was hit and killed by the chest.” The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room. He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. The clerk apologizes and says, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows who arrived here just before you.” "I don't know," replies the man. "Picture this. I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest and....... |
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