A totally new one for me -- very good. We seem to have the same "perverted" sense of humor (intended to be a compliment!) LOL

Add me to the list! :D

The United Way of Lady Lake realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, ' did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and four children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

:a20:

Well to be honest I do not know any lawyers who fit that bill.

They’re lawyers, Tal. This sort of joke comes with the territory! :)

I did hear an awful lot of lawyer jokes in law school. And I went to BYU Law School for ten days in 1982. Dropped out to get a MA at the U of Denver where I also looked into getting a dual Law/Librarianship program in 1984. Got a job where they indexed Legal Resource Index in Belmont, CA. I was in with the Business Area Databank indexers. Then returned to law school but in Minneapolis at the U of MN. 1986-1989. Class of 1989. Then worked in the law library there for another two years or so.

Lawyer jokes were a past time often at law school. And I lived in a HUGE dorm my 2nd and 3rd year of law school. Lots of lawyer jokes around the dorm.

Links for lawyer jokes-- Lawyer Jokes - The Good, the Bad and the Dirty

World's best (and worst) lawyer jokes - Lawyers Weekly

Really like this one--

An Old Golfer Speaks out:

We had a power outage at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my mobile phone battery was dead and, to top it off, it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a couple of hours.

She seems like a nice person.

Jim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the
honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are
married I think it's time you quit golfing. Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."
Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

“For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife.”
"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

“I wasn't!”

:1rotfl:





I joined the gym and asked my trainer, “I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?”

He retorted... “The ATM machine."


Son-of-a-gun...it worked! :1rotfl:

You have just proven to me that a picture's worth a thousand words.

Fortunately, I'm speechless!
:bigbow:

HaHa -- So true! Good one.

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy Shawn, so they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible downpour, so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

“ I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained, “and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“ Don’t worry.” John said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”

The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared so they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, “Shawn, do you remember that good looking widow on the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”

“ Yes, I do,” said Shawn. “ Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house, and pay her a visit?” “ Well, um, yes,” Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out.

“I have to admit that I did.” “ And did you happen to give her my name and address instead of telling her your name?”

Shawn’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy.

I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”

“She just died and left me everything.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

You thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?

Awesome Barefoot! :1rotfl:

Off of my Facebook page.
 

This girl is a keeper!!!!
It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I
wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United
Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while
making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably
deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to
deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A
single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try
to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm
sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that
the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her
public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically,
the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, **** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir,
you'll have to get in line for that, too."

Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to
dance in the rain...

Excellent Tal. You are getting better and better or as Nucky would say "betterer and betterer".

One Night At Home
 

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and “in heat,” agreed to look after her
neighbor’s male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.
She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However,as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning
sounds.

She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to
disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and although it
was very late at night, she called her vet, who answered in a very
grumpy voice.

After sheexplained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and
place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the
noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”

“Do you think that will work?” she asked.

“Just worked for me,” he replied.

:1rotfl:..:1rotfl:


That one really hit home, given my over 35 years in management, in an industry where I was basically expected to pick up the phone...24/7/365.

And those calls were NEVER to let me know..."all is well." :(

Getting chewed out for not answering a call, even though I was on vacation in Italy fer cripes sake...was probably the low point. :mad:

While intended for a bit younger audience than most here, having been in this situation at one time (as I'm sure many others were)...I still find it hilarious. :1rotfl:

:girlneener: Good one.

Too Soon? Oh well ...


During a major hurricane the order is given to evacuate.
However a devout christian is confident that the lord will protect him from the storm.

As the water begins to rise a police man comes by in a 4 wheel drive and makes a call for evacuation.

“The lord will save us.” The man says confidently. The cop shrugs and drives off.

The water continues to rise until the street is flooded. A FEMA worker comes along in a rowboat and asks the man to come with since it might be his last chance. He declines again, confident in God’s power.

Well it gets really bad and they are forced to take refuge on the roof of their house. Against all odds a helicopter comes by. The pilot gets on the loudspeaker and says that this absolutely the last chance for rescue.

Still the man refuses help and sits on the roof.

Well the water rises some more and he drowns. He arrives in heaven and stands before god.

“Lord, I put my faith in you, why didn’t you save me from that storm?” he asks in distress.

“What are you talking about? I sent you a truck a boat and a helicopter!” God answers with a snort.

Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean...
... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.

The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move here."

The other two nod, slightly sympathetically.

The second man says, "Similar story here. I used to run a jewelry store back in LA, but unfortunately one night there was a massive break in. I collected the insurance that I had on the jewelry and moved down here to settle."

They look at the third guy. He says, "I used to run a small fishing business on the East Coast. Last year unfortunately the entire thing was ruined by a hurricane. I collected my insurance and moved here."

The first two guys look at each other for a minute. Finally, one says, "How do you start a hurricane?"

...:D

I've started investing in stocks:

Beef, Chicken and Vegetable .....

One day I hope to become a Bouillonaire!

:throwtomatoes:

Rodney Dangerfield and drinking.
 

"I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it."

Rodney Dangerfield :clap2:

Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?

A: "Olive or twist?"

Like that one. :MOJE_whot:

1/4 Laugh

Oh well, "any port in a storm".

:girlneener:

Belly laugh; but perhaps we are on the same wavelength.

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replied, “Girlfriend? She's my wife!” They’re knocked over, but continue to ask: “So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”

Genie: "I shall grant you three wishes."

Me: "Great, I wish for a world without lawyers."

Genie: "Your wish is granted...you have no more wishes."

Me: "But, you said I had three wishes."







Genie: "So sue me." :D

I will have to remember that one.

Love it!

:1rotfl:

I'm just catching up, reviewing jokes. This is a good one. :girlneener:

After a really bad round, the golfer spots a lake at the 18th hole. He says to his caddy, "I thing i'll drown myself." The caddy answers, "I don't think you can keep your head down that long."

Another golfer had 160 yard shot to the hole. He says to his caddy, "do you think I can get there with a 5 iron." His caddy responds, "eventually"

I love this one. :ho: