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Talk of The Villages Florida (https://www.talkofthevillages.com/forums/)
-   Just For Fun (https://www.talkofthevillages.com/forums/just-fun-109/)
-   -   The Joke Thread (https://www.talkofthevillages.com/forums/just-fun-109/joke-thread-259747/)

BK001 05-22-2019 05:18 PM
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

ColdNoMore 05-22-2019 07:45 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by BK001 (Post 1651800)
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
OH SNAP! :1rotfl: ...:1rotfl:

CFrance 05-25-2019 07:51 AM
1 Attachment(s)
Here's your answer.

Barefoot 05-29-2019 09:07 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by BK001 (Post 1651800)
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
:BigApplause:

ColdNoMore 06-05-2019 07:06 AM
A younger man and an older woman are having dinner in a restaurant.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, spots that the man is slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

As the waitress watches, the man slides all the way under and out of sight.

Still, the woman dining opposite him appears not to notice.

Finally, the waitress comes over to the table and whispers discreetly to the woman, "pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."





"No, he didn't," the woman calmly replies. "he just walked in the door."

BK001 06-05-2019 07:17 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by ColdNoMore (Post 1655400)



"No, he didn't," the woman calmly replies. "he just walked in the door."
Now that is "grace under fire". LOL

CFrance 06-05-2019 08:10 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by BK001 (Post 1655403)
Now that is "grace under fire". LOL
I thought the reason was going to be different, but my mind was temporarily in the gutter.:ohdear:

ColdNoMore 06-07-2019 05:01 PM
A woman sat down at her seat on the 50-yard line for the Super Bowl. A man came along and asked her if anyone was sitting in the seat next to her. "No," she said, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

Somberly, the woman says, "Well... the seat belongs to my husband. He and I were to come here together, but he passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been to together."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"





The woman shakes her head, "No, they're all at the funeral."

Taltarzac725 06-07-2019 06:40 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by ColdNoMore (Post 1656094)
A woman sat down at her seat on the 50-yard line for the Super Bowl. A man came along and asked her if anyone was sitting in the seat next to her. "No," she said, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

Somberly, the woman says, "Well... the seat belongs to my husband. He and I were to come here together, but he passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been to together."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"





The woman shakes her head, "No, they're all at the funeral."
Now that is a good one.

DanfromNC 06-12-2019 02:20 PM
The coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?" "Yes, coach", replied the boy.... "Do you understand that what matters is we win or lose as a team?" The boy nodded in yes. The coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, jerk-face or a-hole. Do you understand all that?" Again, the boy nodded yes. And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb ass or ****head is it?" "No, coach. "Good," said the coach, "Now go over there and explain all that to your Grandmother"!

CFrance 06-12-2019 02:26 PM
Bwahaha!

BK001 06-13-2019 11:46 AM
Terrific!

ColdNoMore 06-14-2019 04:59 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by DanfromNC (Post 1657289)
The coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?" "Yes, coach", replied the boy.... "Do you understand that what matters is we win or lose as a team?" The boy nodded in yes. The coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, jerk-face or a-hole. Do you understand all that?" Again, the boy nodded yes. And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb ass or ****head is it?" "No, coach.

"Good," said the coach, "Now go over there and explain all that to your Grandmother"!
:1rotfl:

ColdNoMore 06-14-2019 05:11 AM
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your azzes in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."



As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are ticked off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."

BK001 06-14-2019 07:11 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by ColdNoMore (Post 1657593)
. . .

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are ticked off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."
Bwaaaaaah! :1rotfl: :1rotfl:


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