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Talk of The Villages Florida (https://www.talkofthevillages.com/forums/)
-   Just For Fun (https://www.talkofthevillages.com/forums/just-fun-109/)
-   -   The Joke Thread (https://www.talkofthevillages.com/forums/just-fun-109/joke-thread-259747/)

Taltarzac725 06-14-2019 07:15 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by ColdNoMore (Post 1657593)
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are getting on, get your azzes in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."



As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are ticked off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."
Now that is NOTHING but a good joke. :bigbow:

Ecuadog 06-14-2019 08:56 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by ColdNoMore (Post 1657593)
...

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are ticked off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b*tch in the kitchen."
Absolutely love it.

BK001 06-17-2019 12:05 PM
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic.

CFrance 06-17-2019 12:54 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by BK001 (Post 1658416)
When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic.
As a former editor, I LOVE that!!

BK001 06-17-2019 04:31 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by CFrance (Post 1658442)
As a former editor, I LOVE that!!
Yes, I thought it was good.

I've read thousands of resumes over the course of my 40 plus years in HR. I had a folder (unfortunately lost in one of our moves) of "memorable resumes", which contained some of the most unbelievable products. One was from a college graduate (from a very good school) who applied for a position as a "prufreader". I thought it had to be a joke but, unfortunately, it was not.

ColdNoMore 06-18-2019 06:22 AM
THE BAR

A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific."

The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!" He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar.

"Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?"




"Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."


:D

ColdNoMore 06-18-2019 06:30 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by BK001 (Post 1658499)
Yes, I thought it was good.

I've read thousands of resumes over the course of my 40 plus years in HR. I had a folder (unfortunately lost in one of our moves) of "memorable resumes", which contained some of the most unbelievable products. One was from a college graduate (from a very good school) who applied for a position as a "prufreader". I thought it had to be a joke but, unfortunately, it was not.
I too have read thousands of resumes in my career and some of them...made me laugh out loud. :D

One of my favorites was the guy who took a complete additional page, to explain all of his run-ins with the law (6 or 7 separate incidents).



His last one said, "they accused me of armed robbery, but the charges were dropped because they didn't have any video proof...and couldn't find the gun." :oops:


:1rotfl:

Tom C 06-21-2019 10:49 AM
When life gives you MELONS ..... you are Dyslexic.:oops:

ColdNoMore 06-23-2019 05:23 AM
- Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

- I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

- I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

- My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

- My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

- My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.

ColdNoMore 06-23-2019 05:24 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tom C (Post 1659226)
When life gives you MELONS ..... you are Dyslexic.:oops:
:1rotfl:

ColdNoMore 07-03-2019 02:19 PM
Nice try...
 
Carpool Lane Violation (zoom-by here)

Quote:
A Nevada Highway Patrol trooper was stunned after he pulled over a hearse that was driving in the carpool lane on Monday, and the driver asked if the corpse he was transporting counted as a passenger.

Trooper Travis Smaka spotted the Chrysler minivan hearse going southbound in the HOV lane on Interstate 15, according to the Los Angeles Times. The driver appeared to be alone — but that was because Smaka was not counting ”the dearly departed in the back,” as Nevada Highway Patrol Southern Command later explained on Twitter.

So Smaka flashed the lights of his patrol car and pulled over the hearse driver, collecting his license and registration. He was expecting to hear one of the more typical excuses — that the driver was running late for an appointment or on his way to an emergency situation.

But instead, the driver nodded toward the rear of the minivan. Smaka took the hint and asked, “Oh, you have a deceased in the back?”

That’s when the driver pressed his luck and replied, "So, he doesn't count?" according to Fox News. The trooper had no choice but to break the bad news — cars are only allowed in the carpool lane when they’re carrying at least two “living, breathing people.”

“He’s not with us” he told the driver, then clarified, “This body was in the rear cargo and that doesn’t qualify as a seat.”


:1rotfl:

dewilson58 07-03-2019 03:29 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by ColdNoMore (Post 1659597)
- Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

- I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

- I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

- My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

- My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

- My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.





:clap2:

ColdNoMore 07-05-2019 09:26 PM











:1rotfl:

BK001 07-06-2019 08:15 AM
LOL very funny

ColdNoMore 07-06-2019 08:51 PM
I would be worried about a lawsuit...from someone having a heart attack. :1rotfl:




On second thought it's China...so never mind. :D


Edit: Look at the guy on the left @ :40...he peed his pants! :1rotfl:...:1rotfl:


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