Talk of The Villages Florida

Talk of The Villages Florida (https://www.talkofthevillages.com/forums/)

- Just For Fun (https://www.talkofthevillages.com/forums/just-fun-109/)

- - The Joke Thread (https://www.talkofthevillages.com/forums/just-fun-109/joke-thread-259747/)

Quote:

Originally Posted by ColdNoMore (Post 1535310)

What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

One of my alltime favorites!

Quote:

Originally Posted by ColdNoMore (Post 1528454)

It occurred to me, that instead of always needing to start a separate thread to post a joke...maybe a stand-alone thread would work better. :shrug:

So, I guess we'll see if folks find it easier just to post their jokes here...instead of always starting another thread.

I'll go first.

Stewart and his wife Penny celebrating fortieth years together. Their three children,all very successful, all agreed to a Saturday dinner in their honor.

“Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad” gushed son number one Marc, a cardiologist, “Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know the rules, and didn’t have time to get you a gift.”

“Do not worry son! ” said Stewart, the important thing is that we’re all together today.”

Son number two Jamie, a lawyer, arrived and announced “You and Dad look great Mom”. I just flew in from Chicago between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you”.

“Do not worry son!,” said Penny. “We’re glad you were able to come.”

Just then the daughter Eliza,a marketing executive, arrived. “Hello and Happy Anniversary! I’m sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn’t have time to get you anything.”

After they finished dinner, Stewart said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.You see, we were very poor. But we worked hard, we were able to send each of you to university. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.”

The three children were bewildered and all said, “You mean we’re bastards?”

“Yes,” said Stewart, “and cheap ones too!”

:D

Very Good .... 5 Laughs :beer3:

Quote:

Originally Posted by ColdNoMore (Post 1528465)

I apologize in advance Chi...but I thought this was pretty funny! :D

Mama and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put on the stand to testify and is asked by the judge, “Do you want to live with Papa Bear?”

“No” Baby Bear replies, “he beats me.”

Then the judge asks, “Do you want to live with Mama Bear?”

“No” Baby Bear replies, “she beats me too.”

So the Judge says, “Who do you want to live with then?”

Baby Bear replies, “I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they don’t beat anybody!”

1/2 Laugh

Quote:

Originally Posted by CFrance (Post 1534671)

A man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin
his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she
would go to Italy to secretly have the child... If she stayed in Italy to
raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned
18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, And write '
Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the Child support
payment to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey,
'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife
watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.'

Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.

:1rotfl:

Good one. :thumbup:

My first reaction, after laughing, was....Mama, mama, mama, mama, mama...Mia! :D

Quote:

Originally Posted by BK001 (Post 1535344)

One of my alltime favorites!

Me too. :thumbup:

Today's unbearable...groaner. :D

A bear walks into a restaurant and say’s “I want a grilllllled....................................... cheese”

The waiter says “Whats with the pause?”

The bear replies “Whaddya mean, I’M A BEAR.”

:1rotfl:

It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tomwed (Post 1538013)

It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Ahhh. A Steven Wright aficionado. :)

Speaking of which...

Quote:

Originally Posted by tomwed (Post 1538013)

It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.

A young student female canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs to help with her tuition, since she was not smart enough to have received any scholarships. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

She replied, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the lady came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the lady answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the young woman added, "that's not a Porsche; it's a Ferrari."

:1rotfl:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Polar Bear (Post 1538035)

Ahhh. A Steven Wright aficionado. :)

You have to get up pretty early in the morning... to catch me looking in your window.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ColdNoMore (Post 1538040)

Excellent!

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.

It got so bad, I finally I had to...take his bike away.

Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.”

The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”

Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”

Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”

How do whales cry? blubber, blubber, blubber

Quote:

Originally Posted by tomwed (Post 1539280)

How do whales cry? blubber, blubber, blubber.

I know of some folks, to which that applies...perfectly!! :1rotfl:

Quote:

Originally Posted by ColdNoMore (Post 1529796)

The grumpy Navy Master Chief saw a new face and shouted at him, “Come here! What’s your name, sailor?”

“James,” the new seaman answered.

“Listen carefully sailor, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It their last names only; Carter,Davidson,Cooper, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Master Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?”

“Aye, Aye, Master Chief!”

“Now,what’s your last name?”

The sailor sighed. “Darling, My name is James Darling, Master Chief.”

“Okay,James, here’s what I want you to do…

I actually had a Graphics Arts teacher in high school named Mr. Darling. Everybody called him "Mr. D".