[ColdNoMore]

Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office.

A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them.

On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee.

As I’d hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.






When he saw me, he shouted, “Are those potato chips?”

[ColdNoMore]

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:

Husband : -I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn't come back yet.

Inspector : -What is her height?

Husband : -Average, I guess.

Inspector : -Slim or healthy?.

Husband : -Not slim, but probably healthy.

Inspector : -Color of eyes?

Husband : -Never noticed.

Inspector : -Color of hair?

Husband : -Changes according to season.

Inspector : -What was she wearing?

Husband : -Not sure, either a dress or a suit.

Inspector : -Was she driving?

Husband : -Yes.

Inspector : -Color and type of the car?

Husband : -Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door...


...and then the husband started crying...






Inspector: -Don't worry sir,...We will find your car.

[BK001]

There was a young Plumber from Leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
Said the girl, "Stop your plumbing, there's somebody coming!"
Said the Plumber, still plumbing, "It's me!"

[CFrance]

Originally Posted by BK001

There was a young Plumber from Leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
Said the girl, "Stop your plumbing, there's somebody coming!"
Said the Plumber, still plumbing, "It's me!"

Ha ha, so now we're doing limericks!

There once was a monk from Siberia
Whose morals were rather inferior
He did to a nun
what he oughtn't have done
And now she's a Mother Superior!

[ColdNoMore]

Originally Posted by BK001

There was a young Plumber from Leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
Said the girl, "Stop your plumbing, there's somebody coming!"
Said the Plumber, still plumbing, "It's me!"

Originally Posted by CFrance

Ha ha, so now we're doing limericks!

There once was a monk from Siberia
Whose morals were rather inferior
He did to a nun
what he oughtn't have done
And now she's a Mother Superior!

[ColdNoMore]

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"

"No," says his advisor....






..."in her biology class."

[CFrance]

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons,memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.


Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.


I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.


Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?

He didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky.

He wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so sh*t-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!

[BK001]

Originally Posted by CFrance

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so sh*t-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!

Hysterical, I didn't see that coming. Thanks for the belly laugh.

[tomwed]

Originally Posted by BK001

Hysterical, I didn't see that coming. Thanks for the belly laugh.

me neither

[Ecuadog]

Originally Posted by CFrance

...
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so sh*t-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!

That's one that I'm going to use.

[CFrance]

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins."shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculate and says,
"I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculate rolls down her window and shouts, "Pi$$ off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks,"Did that sound cross enough?"

[ColdNoMore]

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"

The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"

Giuseppe proudly replied....









...."I gonna go pick her up."

[BK001]

Originally Posted by ColdNoMore

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"

The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"

Giuseppe proudly replied....









...."I gonna go pick her up."

Ha-Ha that was great! Reminds me of another one:


After last night's argument, my wife was still mad at me this morning. While making breakfast she asked, "How do you want your eggs, a**hole?"

I said, "To Go!"

[tomwed]

I was gassing up last nite and there was a guy filling a container and he had his little dog with him. This reminded me of an old joke I got from my grandfather when I was young and I told hundreds of times. Steel it.

My grandfather said he once owned a gas station [true]. He said one day this little dog shows up and starts lapping up the gas that overflowed on the ground. Then he starts running around the pumps like crazy, and then he just stops.
[eventually I asked my grandfather, rather sheepishly, "did he die?"]
My grandfather said "Oh no, he just ran out of gas."

[ColdNoMore]

True story;

When my daughter was in about first grade, she came home and said... "do you know Dad, why when a flock of geese fly in a 'V'...that one side of the V is longer than the other?"

I then proceeded to try and explain aerodynamics at a basic level, how being in front is tiring, that 'drafting' helps the whole flock cover longer distances...and that a non-equal V helps the entire flock do that.

After a minute, I could see her eyes glazing and then she simply stated....








"No Dad, it's because...there's more geese on that side."