[BK001]

An old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had taken. The lady replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store." The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Nine." The judge said, "Well then, I'm going to give you nine days in jail--one day for each peach." As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak. The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?" The husband said, "Your honor, she also stole a can of peas."

[ColdNoMore]

Originally Posted by BK001

An old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked what she had taken. The lady replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked why she had done it. She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store." The judge asked how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "Nine." The judge said, "Well then, I'm going to give you nine days in jail--one day for each peach." As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's husband raised his hand and asked if he might speak. The judge said, "Yes, what do you have to add?" The husband said, "Your honor, she also stole a can of peas."

OH SNAP!

[BK001]

What does a Sadist do to a Masochist?

Nothing.

[ColdNoMore]

Originally Posted by BK001

What does a Sadist do to a Masochist?

Nothing.

I'm guessing the anticipation from the masochist...would be debilitating.

[BK001]

Originally Posted by ColdNoMore

I'm guessing the anticipation from the masochist...would be debilitating.

You may just be on the right track.

[BK001]

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’” Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

[Ecuadog]

That's funny.

[Nucky]

Originally Posted by BK001

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’” Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

That's a beauty but I would watch out for Lightning!

[BK001]

Originally Posted by Nucky

That's a beauty but I would watch out for Lightning!

You are so right -- I'd better get started on my very long bucket list, just in case!

[BK001]

Here's an old Rodney Dangerfield classic:

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

[ColdNoMore]

A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anyone?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated...is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued,

"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:"

(1)"...you have a dirty mind,"

(2)"...you didn't read your homework, and..."







(3)"...one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

[BK001]

A wife, while looking in a mirror, said to her husband,
“I feel horrible. I look old, fat and ugly. I really need a compliment right about now.”

Her husband answered: “Honey, you have damn near perfect eyesight”.

And then the fight began.

[ColdNoMore]

I remember when I was a kid, I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 candy bars, 6 packs of Starburst and a cold drink.








Nowadays...they have cameras everywhere.

[dewilson58]

[ColdNoMore]

3 nursing home residents were talking about aging outside of their nursing home. The 60 year old resident said “60 is the worst age to be. You constantly feel like you have to pee but most of the time nothing happens.”

The 70 year old resident responds “That's nothing compared to being 70. You can't take a crap anymore. You eat all of the bran and take laxatives you can and still nothing happens.”

The 80 year old said, “You're both wrong. 80 is actually the worst.”

The 60 year old asked the 80 year old, “Do you have trouble peeing too?” He responded, “No. I go at 6 every morning. I have no problem at all.”

The 70 year old asked him, “Do you have trouble taking a crap?” “No, I go at 6:30 each morning” the 80 year old responded.

The 60 year old said “Let me understand you clearly. You go #1 every morning at 6am and #2 every morning half an hour later. What's so hard about being 80?”





The 80 year old concluded, “All of those things are true, but...




... I don't wake up until 10am.”