[ColdNoMore]

Wife: "I have a bag full of clothing I would like to donate."

Husband: "Why not just throw them away in the trash? It would be much easier."

Wife: "But there are poor, starving people who could really use these clothes."


Husband: "Honey, anyone who could fit in those clothes...is not starving."



The husband is recuperating nicely...from his severe head wound.

[Taltarzac725]

Originally Posted by ColdNoMore

Wife: "I have a bag full of clothing I would like to donate."

Husband: "Why not just throw them away in the trash? It would be much easier."

Wife: "But there are poor, starving people who could really use these clothes."


Husband: "Honey, anyone who could fit in those clothes...is not starving."



The husband is recuperating nicely...from his severe head wound.

That is a good one.

[Barefoot]

Originally Posted by zmarkp

First Christmas Joke:

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

I snickered out loud, good one.

[Barefoot]

Originally Posted by BK001

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.

Originally Posted by Taltarzac725

Have trouble with the "snowflake" insult as it is thrown at just about anyone by everyone else.

Tal, you could substitute Gen X or Millennials for snowflakes.

[martine48]

A Scotsman is working at a sewerage. It's a warm day, so he takes off his jacket and drapes it over a handrail - where it slips off into a vast tank of poo!
He's just about to dive in when his mate shouts "It's nae guid tae do that, the jacket's ruined"

He replies "Aye, ah ken, but ma sandwiches are in the pocket"

[BK001]

Friends, please be careful. The other day I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, followed by a few cocktails and then a couple of shots.

I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That’s when I decided to do what I had never done before. I took a cab home.

Sure enough, there was a police roadblock on the way but since it was a cab, they just waved it through. I arrived home without incident.

This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don’t even know where I got it from. And now, it is in my garage and I don’t know what to do with it.

[BK001]

TEN REASONS WHY GOLF IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. A below par performance is considered good.
9. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
8. You can still make money doing it as a senior.
7. It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.
6. Foursomes are encouraged.
5. Three times a day is possible.
4. Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
3. If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.
2. You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.
1. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.

[tophcfa]

Originally Posted by BK001

TEN REASONS WHY GOLF IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. A below par performance is considered good.
9. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
8. You can still make money doing it as a senior.
7. It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.
6. Foursomes are encouraged.
5. Three times a day is possible.
4. Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
3. If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.
2. You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.
1. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.

Too funny, thanks : )

[ColdNoMore]

Saw this on Facebook and probably wrong of me, but I couldn't help myself...from laughing out loud.

[BK001]

Originally Posted by ColdNoMore

Saw this on Facebook and probably wrong of me, but I couldn't help myself...from laughing out loud.

Men, you can't live with them and you can't kill them!

(I couldn't help myself either. But you started it. LOL)

[Nucky]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh, Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence. THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT!

[Dennis and Rose]

Woman has a massive heart attack and is on the operating table. As her soul is leaving her body, God says, go back you have another 25 years. Sure enough the operation is a success. Afterwards she is so happy, she treats herself to an eye job, nose job, face lift, breast augmentation. Happy with her new self she goes jogging and gets slammed by a bus. As her soul wings to heaven she yells out to God, You told me I had another 25 years. The heavens open and God replies, I'm sorry I didn't recognize you

[Barefoot]

Originally Posted by Dennis and Rose

Woman has a massive heart attack and is on the operating table. As her soul is leaving her body, God says, go back you have another 25 years. Sure enough the operation is a success. Afterwards she is so happy, she treats herself to an eye job, nose job, face lift, breast augmentation. Happy with her new self she goes jogging and gets slammed by a bus. As her soul wings to heaven she yells out to God, You told me I had another 25 years. The heavens open and God replies, I'm sorry I didn't recognize you

[BK001]

The President is walking out of the White House and heading towards his limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse”. This startles the would-be assassin and he is captured.

Later the Secret Service supervisor takes the neophyte agent aside and asks “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout “Donald, Duck!”

[ColdNoMore]

Originally Posted by BK001

The President is walking out of the White House and heading towards his limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse”. This startles the would-be assassin and he is captured.

Later the Secret Service supervisor takes the neophyte agent aside and asks “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout “Donald, Duck!”