The Joke Thread

» Site Navigation
Home Page The Villages Maps The Villages Activities The Villages Clubs The Villages Book Healthcare Rentals Real Estate Section Classified Section The Villages Directory Home Improvement Site Guidelines Advertising Info Register Now Video Tutorials Frequently Asked Questions
» Newsletter Signup
» Premium Tower
» Advertisements
» Trending News
» Tower Sponsors




















» Premium Sponsors
» Banner Sponsors
» Advertisements
Reply
Thread Tools
  #406  
Old 01-20-2020, 07:09 PM
ColdNoMore ColdNoMore is offline
Sage
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Between 466 & 466A
Posts: 9,545
Thanks: 0
Thanked 535 Times in 291 Posts
Default

The Queen takes the visiting pope for a ride in a carriage through London.

Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly. “I am terribly sorry,” apologizes the embarrassed Queen.

The pope replies, “Oh don’t worry, if you hadn’t said anything, I’d just think it was the horse!”


------


At a job interview:

“Mrs. Lober, what do you consider your greatest weakness?”

“Honesty.”

“Really? I don’t believe that is a weakness at all.”

“And I don’t give a rat’s fart about your stupid opinion!”
  #407  
Old 01-22-2020, 09:27 PM
ColdNoMore ColdNoMore is offline
Sage
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Between 466 & 466A
Posts: 9,545
Thanks: 0
Thanked 535 Times in 291 Posts
Default

Attached Thumbnails
star-shrooms-jpg  
  #408  
Old 01-22-2020, 09:36 PM
CFrance's Avatar
CFrance CFrance is offline
Sage
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Tamarind Grove/Monpazier, France
Posts: 13,275
Thanks: 104
Thanked 400 Times in 197 Posts
Default

Some great ones, CDM!
__________________
Happiness is when your life on the outside matches your life on the inside.
  #409  
Old 01-22-2020, 10:55 PM
ColdNoMore ColdNoMore is offline
Sage
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Between 466 & 466A
Posts: 9,545
Thanks: 0
Thanked 535 Times in 291 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by CFrance View Post
Some great ones, CDM!
Thanks M'lady.
  #410  
Old 01-23-2020, 10:32 AM
bilcon bilcon is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 437
Thanks: 3
Thanked 89 Times in 46 Posts
Default

I noticed three hefty women in the bar and their were talking with an accent. I went over and said, "Evening Lassies, are you from Scotland?" One of them screeched at me: "No you idiot, Wales." I said sorry, "Are you three Whales from Scotland.? That's the last thing I remember.
  #411  
Old 01-25-2020, 01:26 PM
ColdNoMore ColdNoMore is offline
Sage
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Between 466 & 466A
Posts: 9,545
Thanks: 0
Thanked 535 Times in 291 Posts
Default

Although not technically a "joke," it did make me chuckle at reading about how Karma...seems to have nailed this dude.

Cheater Busted (pucker up here)

Quote:
Last Saturday, CBS reporter Roger Gonzalez shared a clip in which the man — identified as Deyvi Andrade — was at a match between Barcelona SC and Delfin. Andrade is seen with his arm around a woman and kissing her before realizing that the moment was caught on a kiss cam. He immediately pulls his arm away from her and stares straight ahead with a grim expression on his face.

"When you kiss your side chick and realize your marriage is over cuz you're on camera," Gonzalez jokingly captioned the clip on Twitter.
  #412  
Old 01-30-2020, 01:11 PM
ColdNoMore ColdNoMore is offline
Sage
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Between 466 & 466A
Posts: 9,545
Thanks: 0
Thanked 535 Times in 291 Posts
Default

Pretty much dead on.
Attached Thumbnails
retirement-jpg  
  #413  
Old 01-31-2020, 10:07 PM
ColdNoMore ColdNoMore is offline
Sage
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Between 466 & 466A
Posts: 9,545
Thanks: 0
Thanked 535 Times in 291 Posts
Default

Q: My child doesn't want to eat meat. With what can I replace it?






A: A dog. Dogs love meat.
  #414  
Old 02-01-2020, 06:13 PM
CWGUY's Avatar
CWGUY CWGUY is online now
Sage
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,082
Thanks: 1,399
Thanked 570 Times in 302 Posts
Default

I have two tickets for the 2020 SUPER BOWL, both box seats. I paid $2,500 each ticket, but I didn't realize last year when I bought them, it was going to be on the same day as my wedding. If you are interested, I am looking for someone to take my place... It's at St. Tim's Church, in The Villages at 3 p.m. Her name is Stacy. She's 5'2, about 120 lbs. She's a good cook, cleans and does dishes too. She'll be the one in the white dress.
__________________
__________________________________________________
Trying To Understand Some People Is Like Trying To Smell The Color 9

Everytime you feel yourself getting pulled into other people's nonsense, repeat these words: NOT MY CIRCUS - NOT MY MONKEYS
  #415  
Old 02-08-2020, 08:45 AM
ColdNoMore ColdNoMore is offline
Sage
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Between 466 & 466A
Posts: 9,545
Thanks: 0
Thanked 535 Times in 291 Posts
Default

Real bravery! ......


  #416  
Old 02-14-2020, 06:20 PM
martine48 martine48 is offline
Junior Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 16
Thanks: 0
Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post
Default

A little girl is sitting on Grandads knee. Grandad she says can you make a noise like a frog. Yes says Grandad, but why would you want me to do that. Well says the little girl Mummy says when you croak were all going to Disneyland
  #417  
Old 02-14-2020, 10:42 PM
Fredman's Avatar
Fredman Fredman is offline
Veteran member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Pittsburgh, Cincinnati,Chicago ,buffalo, Asheville ,Pittsburgh
Posts: 742
Thanks: 1
Thanked 156 Times in 65 Posts
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by martine48 View Post
A little girl is sitting on Grandads knee. Grandad she says can you make a noise like a frog. Yes says Grandad, but why would you want me to do that. Well says the little girl Mummy says when you croak were all going to Disneyland
Great one
__________________
GO STEELERS
  #418  
Old 02-14-2020, 10:47 PM
Fredman's Avatar
Fredman Fredman is offline
Veteran member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Pittsburgh, Cincinnati,Chicago ,buffalo, Asheville ,Pittsburgh
Posts: 742
Thanks: 1
Thanked 156 Times in 65 Posts
Default

Interviewed a woman for employment, went over the job description and duties. Asked her if she had any questions. She replied “ how many sick days will i get” that ended the interview.
__________________
GO STEELERS
  #419  
Old 02-20-2020, 01:44 PM
Kenswing's Avatar
Kenswing Kenswing is offline
Sage
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Upper Left Coast
Posts: 5,732
Thanks: 736
Thanked 341 Times in 197 Posts
Default

People that confuse the words "burro" and "burrow" don't know their a$$ from a hole in the ground..
__________________
Birthdays Are Good For You. Statistics Show the More That You Have The Longer You Will Live..

We've Got Plenty Of Youth.. What We Need Is a Fountain Of SMART!
  #420  
Old 02-29-2020, 10:47 AM
ColdNoMore ColdNoMore is offline
Sage
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Between 466 & 466A
Posts: 9,545
Thanks: 0
Thanked 535 Times in 291 Posts
Default

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"

The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake."

The moral of the story is:

When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.

This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter.



Reply

Tags
stewart, thread, time, didn’t, son

Thread Tools

You are viewing a new design of the TOTV site. Click here to revert to the old version.

All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:24 AM.