[ijusluvit]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd
just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his
nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's
walking with a limp.

' What happened to you? ' asks Sean, the bartender.
' Jamie O ' Conner and me had a fight, ' says Paddy.

' But' says Sean, ' that little %@&* couldn' t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand. '

' That he did, ' says Paddy, ' a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin ' he gave me with it. '

' Well, ' says Sean, ' you should have defended yourself, didn ' t you
have something in your hand? '

That I did, ' said Paddy. ' Mrs. O ' Conner' s breast, and a
thing of beauty it is, but useless in a fight. '




An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
home from the city one night and, of course, his car is
weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.


' So, says the cop to the driver, where
have ya been? '

' Why, I ' ve been to the pub of course, '
slurs the drunk.

' Well, ' says the cop, ' it looks like you ' ve had quite a few
to drink this evening. '

' I did all right, ' the drunk says with a smile.

' Did you know, ' says the cop, standing straight
and folding his arms across his chest, ' that a few intersections
back, your wife fell out of your car? '


' Oh, thank heavens, ' sighs the drunk. ' For a minute there, I
thought I ' d gone deaf. '



Brenda O ' Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when
Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

' Brenda, may I come in? ' he asks. ' I 've somethin ' to tell ya ' .


' Of course you can come in, you ' re always
welcome, Tim. But where ' s my husband? '


' That ' s what I ' m here to be telling ya, Brenda. ' There was
an accident down at the Guinness brewery... '


' Oh, God no! ' cries Brenda. ' Please don' t tell me. '

' I must, Brenda. Your husband Sheamus is dead and
gone.. I ' m so sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. ' How did it happen, Tim? '' It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned. '


' Oh be Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did
he at least go quickly? '


' Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times
to pee.




Mary Clancy goes up to Father O ' Grady
after his Sunday morning service, and she ' s in tears.


He says, ' So what ' s bothering you, Mary my dear?'


She says, ' Oh, Father, I ' ve got terrible news.
'My husband passed away last night. '


The priest says, ' Oh, Mary, that ' s terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests? '

' That he did, Father. '

The priest says, ' What did he ask, Mary? '

She says, "He said, ' Please Mary, put down that damn gun.... ' "




A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,
sits down, but says nothing. The priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.


The drunk mumbles, ' ain ' t no use knockin,
there ' s no paper on this side either! '