[ijusluvit]

The following are actual exchanges between pilots and control towers ...



Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
___________________________________


Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." TWA
2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
727?"

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 329: "Approach, I
ve always wanted to say this....I've got the little Fokker in sight."

___________________________________
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your
last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
___________________________________

My personal favorite
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a
hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are
not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the
lights and return to the airport."
___________________________________


A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard
the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start
clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must
speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a
German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice
from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!" ___________________________________


Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the
way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern
702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.. Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff,
roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers.

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted
comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little
plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about
to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of
DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for
another one."
___________________________________

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call
sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206.. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747
pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do
you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm
looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant
impatience) : "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I
didn't land."
___________________________________

While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a
United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air
crew, screaming:"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to
turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right
there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and
D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was
now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll
take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I
tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an
hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and
how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, ma'am," the humbled
crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency
fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody
wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state
of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely
running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his
microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

[Bill-n-Brillo]

Those are HILARIOUS!!!

Bill

[TommyT]

L M A O !!!!