[villages07]

Received this in email. I think I have heard just about every one of these warnings over the past 10 years. Makes you laugh to see all of them in one place.

------------------------------------

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using
a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the
last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine
what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore
because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs
including feces.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving
because the number one passtime while driving alone is picking your nose (Although cell phone usage may be taking
the number one spot)

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only
imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the
floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains .

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch
the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put
'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support
our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with CALLS TO Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and
Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use any one's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain
gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:0 0 PM
tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing
you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day...

Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their
e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

Thanks Villages07....Great post. BTW my hand was on the mouse at the end......How did that German scientist know that???

[uujudy]

Thanks V07! These are a hoot! I have a relative who has sent me every one of these warnings over the years.
And yes, I also had my hand on the mouse

[Boomer]

V'07,

I am sitting here laughing out loud. Mr. Boomer came in to see what's going on.

I know at least two people that I am forwarding it to immediately.

And my hand was on the mouse.

Thanks.

Boomer

[graciegirl]

My hand was on the mouse and I shamelessly sent it on to everyone I know, hoping they think I devised it.

[nONIE]

This just confirmed that being in la la land my whole life probably isnt such a bad thing!!!lol lol

and of course my hand was on the mouse!

[Sidney Lanier]

What a great summation of umpteen years online.... Sure my hand was on the mouse; how else could I scroll through all those goodies? '-)