[shcisamax]

Be careful of your definition of successful....You are already going through the thought process of what would be the best decision...i.e. successful outcome. That will guide your success. And remember, part of the equation is how you do.. This isn't about turning back the clock, this is about making the time as pleasant and rewarding as possible. I hope I haven't overstepped my bounds. Hugs to you during this decision. I know it is tough.
BTW: Senior Citizen has quite a bit of insight. Perhaps pm her for specific suggestions.

[senior citizen]

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[tainsley]

Good sound advice by all. Perhaps renting your home here in TV and moving back home to be with your family is an option. That way your decision is not final and if you decide to return you have your home to come back to. The answer will come to you...you will know what to do.

[mommieswamie]

Originally Posted by senior citizen

Is it a "long distance move" back to the homefront? Or a short move?

The two children who are the most vocal about wanting us close to them are 800 miles from here, one to the west and one to the north. Our children live all over the US.

Is your husband capable of such an exhausting move? Can he travel?
I'm assuming he is the one you are caring for in your home.

It is my husband. If we were to do this, I would simple pack clothes and equipment and leave the rest, coming back later with one of my children to spruce up to rent. (we have downsized several times already and our home is amazingly organized)

Being a 24/7 caregiver does take its toll, mentally and physically.
I cared for my mom with Alzheimers for six years in our home here and we even moved her with us to Florida and back to Vermont again, when she was still in the early stages........closing up her home , etc. and ours, only to return north to "our support system".

To me, you sound to be at the stage where perhaps your loved one might be ready to go into some type of skilled nursing facility????? We slowly inched my mom into a type of assisted living place (where she would go for short intervals if we were on vacation) so when her time was right, she knew everyone in the community care type home.

It is not Alzheimers as his mind is perfectly clear. It is a progressive neurological disease. His body is becoming weaker and weaker.

She ended up sitting on the couches with her old Senior Citizen friends, the ones she'd go on trips with when all their husbands were alive. At the very end only, she was placed in a skilled nursing facility in the Alzheimers wing.

They were wonderful. I could never have "done" that stage of the disease..........although I did feed, bathe, dress, etc. her for the six years........I could write a book about the six years she lived with us.
Now, some of the antics might seem comical, but to me , at the time they were not.

Luckily I've always had a lot of patience.....plus had help via adult daycare in our town , which would come in the mornings and pick up all the eldery via van and then return them home at 3 p.m.

It was like sending your little ones off to school. Not weekends, just days.

Finally, assisted living was the next step.......when I could no longer get her in and out of the tub and she was deathly afraid of the shower.

While in the assisted living, we met a lot of wonderful senior citizens.
One lady would always tell me that she "wished she was still in Florida".
Her family moved her up to Vermont so they wouldn't have to keep flying down to her retirement area. She missed all the music, the dancing, the activities...........and just kind of lounged around in bed all day. She was perfectly mobile, but seemed depressed.........she was taken out of her chosen retirement place in Florida and moved to Vermont where they could only sit out on the front porch during three seasons of the year.

We met others who wished they were back in their own homes.
Their kids didn't visit much anymore, etc. Everyone gets busy with their own lives and schedules.

If your children are supportive and will pitch in to help you with your loved one.......and you really feel you could live with them, or nearby, then that would be your choice........but if you do have a circle of friends who give support here, then stay where you are. How old are you?

I am 70. The child to the west wants us to come live with them. No, no, no. I would never burden any of our children like that. Indeed they do have their own lives. We are blessed that they want us, but no, never. The child to the north wants us to buy a house together with a mother-in-law suite. Again, no, no. In either case, we would live near by either buying a small house or moving into a continuing care community, or something, I don't really know at this point.

It's sad, but even the most loving family of children HAVE CHILDREN OF THEIR OWN and careers, community activities, etc.....and not all the time in the world to actually do a lot for the older generation. If you have the type of support in TV that you find helpful, then stay put.

We have the physical support, but are very much in need of emotional support. As you can see, I have been up most of the night on TOTV.

If your loved one is bedridden, then maybe it would not matter where he was located. However, if he is mobile to some degree or you are able to get him outside in a wheelchair or scooter.......then Florida's flatness would be much easier than city streets or rural country roads. I know.

Bedridden 50-50 and we do have a new Hoverround, but we are limited to our street at this point as I have not figured out the Hoverlift part for the car. It is so expensive.

My mom walked very quickly and was good that way up to her late 80s but then as she approached 90 she fell......at the assisted living.....once she entered the skilled nursing facility at age 90, they immediately put her into adult diapers and a WHEELCHAIR. That was exactly what the owner of the assisted living place told me "would happen". Maybe it was the downward slope of end stage alzheimers.........but she soon lost her ability to speak or communicate............long story.

Moving her back north to "our support system" helped ME to care for her for the six years, visit her for the next three.......when she needed more help than I could give............it's a progression. How old is your loved one????

He is 75. We want him at home. His mind is just fine.

I wish I could have kept mine forever.......it was definitely a life lesson in growing old.

MOVING LONG DISTANCE IS NOT EASY ON THE ELDERLY OR THE AILING. GOD BLESS.

p.s. Now, my mom who had been a feisty woman her entire life became very very very docile with her early stage alzheimers and dementia.
Some become beliggerant......not mine. She was thankful for every little thing and easy to have around, except for the SUNDOWNERS SYNDROME which showed up at night when they roam around the house doing strange things they do not recall in the morning..........

This was my mother.....so female taking care of female.

Not sure if I could do the same for a beliggerant older man.

He is the kindest, most loving person ever - not one nasty bone in his body.I could never put him in a facility of any kind, but something is going to have to change as I am exhausted.


We saw plenty of them in the skilled nursing wing.......trying to escape.
It would take three nurses just to dress them. So sad. These were people from all walks of life.

Thank you so much for sharing your story and for your insights.

[mommieswamie]

Originally Posted by shcisamax

Be careful of your definition of successful....You are already going through the thought process of what would be the best decision...i.e. successful outcome. That will guide your success. And remember, part of the equation is how you do.. This isn't about turning back the clock, this is about making the time as pleasant and rewarding as possible. I hope I haven't overstepped my bounds. Hugs to you during this decision. I know it is tough.
BTW: Senior Citizen has quite a bit of insight. Perhaps pm her for specific suggestions.

No you have not overstepped your bounds at all. Yes, we do need a better quality of the time we have left together - definitely something better than an exhausted crying wife. That's no good for him or for me.

I am unbelieveably touched by the outpouring of help from all of you during this long night.

[mommieswamie]

Originally Posted by senior citizen

Please read my post above this one of yours.

Defeated? I had a lot of friends who were in the "same boat" as I was, caring for their mothers or even their mothers and dads.......and some their inlaws....or as they called them, their "outlaws" AT HOME......with dementia, alzheimers, stroke, etc.........never heard one mention their "challenge" as being one of defeat or success.

We did what we had to do.........other family members (meaning siblings) would not or could not share the responsibility of an elderly 80 something to 90 something year old parent.

CONCERN? Definitely yes. WORRY? A big yes. Fatigue? Definitely.
But never thought of it as defeat.

I always worried I'd wake up in the morning and find my mom had fallen down the stairs and broken a hip or something........we live in a tri level with two staircases.........she "wandered all night long" with the Sundowners Syndrome............so I am the one who lived with STRESS.

Finally, I told my husband that it was either me going to the nursing home or her.......you will know when you reach your limit.

Apparently you do have some help in the home. I was running an "at home computerized business" at the time......so the Adult Daycare helped immensely......but it was just like having the nursery school drop off my "new baby" at the end of the day. However, I had no "inhouse" help, neither cleaning nor care of my mom........I did it all for her and we both took her to her doctor appointments, etc.

Upon arrival home from "Adult Daycare" at 3 p.m. she would take all of her clothes off in the foyer......like a two year old might do......even though I'd laugh and tell her the FEDEX man was coming soon or the UPS guy. Again, I could write a book . I'd dress her back up again and she'd go upstairs to her room.......then streak across the upstairs hallway, naked, to her bathroom..........finally I'd dress her again and she'd sit downstairs in the living room and watch t.v. until suppertime.

To me, you are the one who sounds depressed and perhaps at the end of your rope, so to speak. God Bless you and yours.

I am definitely reaching the point where we must make some changes. I am very thankful for the many words of wisdom I have received during this night.

[mommieswamie]

Originally Posted by tainsley

Good sound advice by all. Perhaps renting your home here in TV and moving back home to be with your family is an option. That way your decision is not final and if you decide to return you have your home to come back to. The answer will come to you...you will know what to do.

Yes, yes, renting the house here, going to be close to one of our children, refilling our emotional bank for however long it takes. We would then have the option to return to TV or stay where we were. I think that is what has me the most concerned. I don't want to make a permanent decision, but I am exhausted and we must do something.

We do have a lot of help and support here in TV, but it is all paid help and support. If we go to be close to one of our children, I still expect to have paid help but the smiles and hugs of our children and grandchildren are priceless and much needed now.

By the way, there is one thing I have not mentioned throughout all of this - my husband would be thrilled out of his mind to be near one of our children. He would move his weakened body out of his hospital bed with every bit of strength he could muster and head straight for the car today.

[senior citizen]

...............

[tainsley]

I will keep you in my thoughts. Sounds you already know the answer.

[senior citizen]

..............

[mommieswamie]

Originally Posted by tainsley

I will keep you in my thoughts. Sounds you already know the answer.

Yes, I think I do too

[mommieswamie]

Originally Posted by senior citizen

The photos of your absolutely beautiful angelic grandchildren made my day.

Thank you so much. I was wondering if anyone would notice. The two baby girls live to the north, actually it is South Carolina, not that far, and we have visited there quite a bit. The two boys and the 4 year old girl with the big smile live in Louisiana where I grew up, so neither place is really far or strange to us.

It is difficult, to say the least, when they are spread out all over the country.

On the one hand, I want to say that they would bring great JOY to your husband.......via visiting, if you two were in closer proximity to them.
Just look at those beautiful little faces.

On the other hand, knowing what I know about "aging in place" in Vermont, had we discovered THE VILLAGES SOONER........I would think that my mother would have enjoyed the outdoors much more........even at the end stage. In the beachfront condo, we had to go up and down elevators................even the laundry rooms were on "every other floor" and at the time we were 49 years old...........the other residents were grumpy 70 years olds (which we almost are now)........they didn't like it if someone used their laundry room............my mom with alzheimers who was about 83 then said , "Well, where do you expect her to do our laundry if there is no washer and drier on the third floor?" That stumped them. She still had her social skills........but had lost every other ability.....this was only the "BEGINNING OF HER ALZEHIMERS".

Now, if a loved one has something like Parkinsons, Lou Gherig's Disease ALS, Multiple Sclerosis, etc..........I would think the sunshine would be more cheerful on a daily basis than the cold dark north........except for the closer proximity to those beautiful grandchildren.

The grandchildren and the sunshine and familiar places go together. If I can figure out a suitable place for us to stay for a while, this might be the answer.

If it were my husband and he had the same wonderful disposition as yours, I would keep him at home.........I'd "put myself into his place" meaning think like he thinks and I'd be worrying, "Am I being a burden to my wife?"..........no one wants to do that.

You've already won your "wings in heaven" if we believe in heaven, but to do what you are presently doing is truly the most unselfish act one can accomplish..........except dying for a buddy during wartime,maybe....

If he's lost his ability to speak, perhaps he cannot relay this to you...but he feels it deep inside.

His voice does not project like it used to. He used to give speeches to non-profit groups and 3 day training sessions. He could not do that now, but his speech is still here and is quite clear - well sometimes he struggles for words.

I agree with you. I've always told my husband that as great as our adult kids are...........I would NOT want to move in with them. We've been independent too long........and everyone has their own lifestyle nowadays.

Your postings are most valuable...........so continue to "think out loud" for the rest of us. Great food for thought. Our day will come. It comes when one leasts expects it.......such as caring for a loved one.

Thank you for saying that. I never thought that I might be helping someone else. I feel that I have been just sweeping in the help all night.

My dad's sisters all took care of their 95 year old mother while we lived out of state. It was just something Italian families did.

My mom took care of her mom as I took care of mine.

My husband's mom took care of her mom after a stroke and nursed her dad through throat cancer.........she always told her kids, "I hope you never ever have to change my diapers like I do theirs"........well, guess what, her eldest daughter ended up taking care of her and her husband.
Cycle of life.

My husband would sit with his friends (as a teenager) out in their backyard and "babysit" his Grandma......how did they amuse her?
They played cards with her. Since she only spoke Polish, she'd laugh and kind of enjoy herself, along with her grandson and his teen friends.

I guess it's the cycle of life. I wish I were closer to give you a break.
I would gladly sit with your husband and read to him......

How very kind of you to even think of such a thing.

Thank you so much.

[hotrodgirl]

I can only reply that I am so sorry you are feeling conflicted with your situation and hope you find the answer within yourself somewhere. And I hope you will have an easy transition. I am young yet, but widowed, and have contemplated what I would do when I can no longer care for myself. I plan to move to a continuum of care facility as I have dealt with a parent who needed constant attention with dementia. I don't wish to be a burden to my child who works full time and has her own family. So this was the best decision for me. Perhaps as the time draws near I may change my mind, but it seems a prudent solution for now. Would an assisted living facility in TV be an option for you? Then you could remain here essentially... I believe that when the time comes, you will make the best decision for yourself and your family. I wish you peace and comfort.

[quirky3]

Originally Posted by shcisamax

I think that you may be framing the question in your mind in the wrong way. You have mentioned a couple times that you don't want to be defeated. That position takes your active choice out of the equation. Get rid of that thinking! This isn't a matter of being defeated. This is first and foremost really about where you are going to feel loved, feel connected, and feel you have a meaningful life...whatever that means to you. In that context, you will make a better decision. Good luck.

I think this is a really healthy perspective, and I do feel for you. My neighbor, a widow in her 80's, decided last year to move to a flexible living center near Winter Park FL because it was becoming too difficult to care for her house on her own, and she was having health problems. She decided to be proactive, research and visit places, and make the choices herself as kind of an adventure in her next phase of life. It is an hour or two from one of her sons. But she plans to make new friends and create a life with the support network she needs around her.
It sounds like you are an exhausted care-giver, which makes me think it is time to change your circumstances to the next level of support in care-giving, perhaps a flexible assisted living situation that makes it easier on everyone. Also, maybe there are caregiver support groups that can help.
You can design your next stage of life to be rewarding, supportive, and full of new friends and adventures. You can try out different choices - and you can change your mind if something doesn't work out. Try to visualize what daily life would be like - the support, activities, weather, emotional feel, and "go for it". I do wish you well.

[quirky3]

You may have heard this saying before - sometimes when life's circumstances feel very confining, it's a precursor to a transformation to the next stage in life -