[njbchbum]

Originally Posted by mommieswamie

Yes, yes, renting the house here, going to be close to one of our children, refilling our emotional bank for however long it takes. We would then have the option to return to TV or stay where we were. I think that is what has me the most concerned. I don't want to make a permanent decision, but I am exhausted and we must do something.

We do have a lot of help and support here in TV, but it is all paid help and support. If we go to be close to one of our children, I still expect to have paid help but the smiles and hugs of our children and grandchildren are priceless and much needed now.

By the way, there is one thing I have not mentioned throughout all of this - my husband would be thrilled out of his mind to be near one of our children. He would move his weakened body out of his hospital bed with every bit of strength he could muster and head straight for the car today.

you have received some wonderful thoughts and advice from posters - but - your last paragraph made me think that perhaps your decision could be best considered by figuring out what is best for your husband at this time of his life. to me it sounds that the closeness of family will help you turn any feeling of defeat into one of success and happiness. prayers for you and for your husband.

[Mack184]

Actually we're operating in reverse...We moved closer to my wife's parents so they didn't have to consider other options.

[2BNTV]

You have received invaluable insight for previous post and only you can make a decision.

I think it would be prudent for you to be near the most available resourses and support system. My mom fought like heck to not be in a nursing home, so "being defeated" is only when you totally give-up. It is not when you want the best quality of life for you and your loved one.

These decisions are not easy but I would take comfort in that your children want to be there for you. In the end, family is what's most important.

Best wishes for your optimum health.

[senior citizen]

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[rubicon]

Originally Posted by mommieswamie

How do you know when it is time to give up and move closer to your children. What are the signs? How and when do you make such a decision? I am sure that those of us who really want to leave this beautiful place are few and far between, but sometimes it becomes a necessity. So how do you know and what if you know it is time and you don't want to make the decision. You don't want to leave? Then what do you do?

When is it time to mover closer to your children? The first time you aks that question you have already made that decision. All that remains is a detailed plan. It is a moot discussion for me since I have two kids that I see often. I do not have any grandchildren.

I can tell you that above all my wife and kids come first because there is not one other aspect of living on God's green earth that matters more to me than them. And they will be the only thing i will miss when I pass.

[Mack184]

Originally Posted by 2BNTV

You have received invaluable insight for previous post and only you can make a decision.

I think it would be prudent for you to be near the most available resourses and support system. My mom fought like heck to not be in a nursing home, so "being defeated" is only when you totally give-up. It is not when you want the best quality of life for you and your loved one.

These decisions are not easy but I would take comfort in that your children want to be there for you. In the end, family is what's most important.

Best wishes for your optimum health.

My father passed away some years ago, but my mother turned 90 in October. She still keeps her own house and still drives. My sister lives near-by and gives a helping hand, but my mother is determined to keep her own life until she absolutely cannot. I'm glad my sister lives by her, and while they spend a good deal of time together, she's not dependent on her. I hope I have half her energy when I reach 70 as she does at 90!

[rjm1cc]

Originally Posted by mommieswamie

How do you know when it is time to give up and move closer to your children. What are the signs? How and when do you make such a decision? I am sure that those of us who really want to leave this beautiful place are few and far between, but sometimes it becomes a necessity. So how do you know and what if you know it is time and you don't want to make the decision. You don't want to leave? Then what do you do?

I did not read all the post. I assume the problem is that you need help with your husband. My mother had the same problem. She did what you did but in the long run it was not enough. With a lot of advice from family and friends she decided it was best for her husband and for her to put him in a nursing home. Part of the benefit was better care for her husband but also a lot less in the way of care giving demands that she just could not keep up with. Sounds like you should do this, go back to your old way of life and visit your husband. Going home for relatives to help might only make the problems worse as far as the quality of family life goes.

[ssmith]

...I feel that what I am hearing is that you are not ready to be at this point in your journey, that you want things to be as they were (ie giving up on your dreams). I don't know if this is right or not....it may be that you are having to say goodbye to what your life was and that you will have to face the reality of where your lives are...and by doing that you feel that you are giving in. If that is true, then it sounds as if you are working through the reality of where life has you. You will know will know what to do.

Sorry for your husbands health issues. It does sound very serious. I agree that being a primary care-giver takes a toll! Praying you find the right answer for you!

[eweissenbach]

I have lived many places, and have found something to love about each and every one. The Villages and the lifestyle afforded those fortunate enough to live there is magical. However, I am reminded of something that I have tried to live by - Happiness is not a place. Happiness takes peace of mind among other things and it sounds as though that may be laking in your current life in TV. It also sounds as though your husband's well being may be compromised here, which will cause your peace of mind to suffer. It seems to me that the decision is inevitable. Your happiness and that of your entire family seem to be taking you there. God Bless you as you continue your journey.

[jane032657]

My parents moved from Boston to Tamarac, Florida after my dad had one of the first ever triple by passes and could not stand the Boston cold anymore. They lived in their home in Tamarac for 30 yrs. but then my mom became exhausted from looking after my dad on her own with no family. My husband and I had them come live with us, where they stayed for 1 1/2 yrs in Seattle where we lived and then moved into a retirement home near our house. To make a long experience short, my dad passed away a year ago and we have just moved my mom back to Florida to Sumter Place Assisted Living and we will arrive tomorrow to live in our new home in The Villages which we bought a year ago. My parents always wished they had stayed in the warmth of Florida but appreciated being cared for and having us close tby to deal with multiple issues. My mom has now returned to her beloved Florida and is loving it. But the point is, family can support you while you need it. You can come bak to your home in The Villages when the time is right. But let your children give back to you when you need it. And then go home again when you can be able to enjoy it without worry. And if you choose to stay with or near your children, then sell your place in The Villages. Unburden yourself and let the kids help out. It is a mitzvah which means they get to do something of great value and meaning from the heart.

[2BNTV]

Originally Posted by jane032657

My parents moved from Boston to Tamarac, Florida after my dad had one of the first ever triple by passes and could not stand the Boston cold anymore. They lived in their home in Tamarac for 30 yrs. but then my mom became exhausted from looking after my dad on her own with no family. My husband and I had them come live with us, where they stayed for 1 1/2 yrs in Seattle where we lived and then moved into a retirement home near our house. To make a long experience short, my dad passed away a year ago and we have just moved my mom back to Florida to Sumter Place Assisted Living and we will arrive tomorrow to live in our new home in The Villages which we bought a year ago. My parents always wished they had stayed in the warmth of Florida but appreciated being cared for and having us close tby to deal with multiple issues. My mom has now returned to her beloved Florida and is loving it. But the point is, family can support you while you need it. You can come bak to your home in The Villages when the time is right. But let your children give back to you when you need it. And then go home again when you can be able to enjoy it without worry. And if you choose to stay with or near your children, then sell your place in The Villages. Unburden yourself and let the kids help out. It is a mitzvah which means they get to do something of great value and meaning from the heart.

Posted by mommieswamie:

The two children who are the most vocal about wanting us close to them are 800 miles from here, one to the west and one to the north. Our children live all over the US.
I would simple pack clothes and equipment and leave the rest, coming back later with one of my children to spruce up to rent. (we have downsized several times already and our home is amazingly organized)
I am 70. The child to the west wants us to come live with them. No, no, no. I would never burden any of our children like that. Indeed they do have their own lives. We are blessed that they want us, but no, never. The child to the north wants us to buy a house together with a mother-in-law suite. Again, no, no. In either case, we would live near by either buying a small house or moving into a continuing care community, or something, I don't really know at this point.
He is 75. We want him at home. His mind is just fine.
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It sounds like your thinking along the lines of what Jane said. You will know when the time is right and what to do when you are beyond exhaustion and your body says "I can't do this anymore".

My cousin was a caregiver for both her parents and she is 70. About a year ago, she said "I can't do this anymore", and had to put them both in a nursing home. She is not a well person herself. You sound as if your trying to maintain your independence which is fine as long as you have the strength. It's more of your decision as you are the caregiver. Have you discuss this dilemna with your husband?

My mother used to say there was a saying in Italian, "In like a baby, out like a baby"

I wish you strength and courage to do the right thing. Don't ever give up on your dreams.

[SALYBOW]

If I were seriously ill especially terminally ill, I want to be near my loved ones. Or TV gets so crowded it is no longer fun.

[mommieswamie]

I am so heartened by all these caring responses. So much wisdom and sincere good wishes is apparent in every post. I am truly thankful to all of you. I do not wish to start another sleepless night of wondering, figuring and dreaming of "what ifs". I must drive my husband to Orlando tomorrow for admittance to the hospital for more testing. I will share all of this with my husband when the time is right. In the meantime, I am still wondering what to do. I thought I knew but now I don't.

I should explain what I mean by using the word "defeat". I am fiercely independent and have always felt that I could do anything worthwhile that I set my mind to do. Indeed, one of the things that I am most proud of is getting my masters degree from Vanderbilt Univ. while living 3 1/2 hours away, when my children were 2, 4, and 6. I had no emotional or financial support from my husband, at the time (we divorced years ago) and I did not do one bit of it online, by mail or any other virtual way. I showed up in person in class every single time and I did it all in 2 years. That degree served me very well in a worthwhile career for many years.

I view caring for my husband as a challenge of love, one that I want to do well, but truthfully, I must admit that I am not the "superwoman" that I envision myself to be and it is time to reach out to the children who love us. And - by the way - my richest reward in life, exceeding no other, is the love and success of my children. When children want their mother to come and live with them in the same house, you know you must have done something right along the way.

Thank you all - off to bed for the drive tomorrow - many many things to ponder - such good caring advice. Thank you.

[gamby]

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What do your Kids have to say ?? I'm assuming you are close to them ?
If this is so you should confide in them .

[mommieswamie]

Originally Posted by gamby

.

What do your Kids have to say ?? I'm assuming you are close to them ?
If this is so you should confide in them .

Our children, all 6 of them, are wonderful and yes - we/I have confided in them. They want us to move close to them. We are blessed that they want that. As you can see from the way that this thread has progressed, I don't know what to do.

Thank you for your caring.