[2BNTV]

I was wondering if the great minds of this board could answer this question.

A family member was a caregiver to both her parents who are in their ninety's. They were recently put into a nursing home as she could no longer do this anymore. One of the parents refuses to go for medical treatment needed outside of the facility as he doesn't want to be away from his spouse. No family member can convince him that his decision is not correct.
He would rather pass away rather than leave her for a short while.

When people reach the eighty's and ninety's, why is their point of view so intractable?

[whartonjelly]

This might be the only control that they still have. It has to be his idea, on his own time.

[Figmo Bohica]

My little sister is going thru this with our Mother. She has decided that she has been poked, proded and looked over enough. There is really nothing you can do unless you take them to court and have them declared incompetent.

[anotherNYtransplant]

I say, let him be.

[Doodlegirl]

Habits of caring for a lifetime for someone simply move on to the next stage of life or place. If he cannot be encouraged to go to the Dr. perhaps the Dr. and the facility would order in house tests for him that can be sent to his Dr.
I'm thinking he is wistful and worried, that she may not be there when he
returned. Even though that is seemingly and unreasonable fear, it becomes
real to two bond together for so many years. Patience and gentleness will
be helpful, maybe the Social Work people could help..."Remember Jim, you will need your strength to take care of Mary and you know she would want you to have your annual check up. Hoping things will work out easily.

[2BNTV]

Originally Posted by Doodlegirl

Habits of caring for a lifetime for someone simply move on to the next stage of life or place. If he cannot be encouraged to go to the Dr. perhaps the Dr. and the facility would order in house tests for him that can be sent to his Dr.
I'm thinking he is wistful and worried, that she may not be there when he
returned. Even though that is seemingly and unreasonable fear, it becomes
real to two bond together for so many years. Patience and gentleness will
be helpful, maybe the Social Work people could help..."Remember Jim, you will need your strength to take care of Mary and you know she would want you to have your annual check up. Hoping things will work out easily.

Thank you for your insightful post.

[skyguy79]

Would it be practical/possible for both to go to the doctors appointment? It might work if they can think of it as... going on a date!

[Uptown Girl]

There is nothing wrong with suggestions to Dad, alternatives he may not have considered. But, in the end, please let your Father have his choice honored.... even if you do not agree with what he chooses.... even if you're sure you know a better way. Even if it is very hard to do.
Remember... inside he is still the man he always was. An adult with a long history... a veteran perhaps.
As long as he is competent, he must be allowed to choose what he wants for himself.
Put yourself in his place for a moment. Wouldn't you want that same respect afforded you?

[rubicon]

Perhaps someone should ask him why he is reluctant to go? Perhaps his wife , like many, always accompanied him to the doctors and he is now wondering why she can't travel with im now? Perhaps he has surrender and given up and is ready for nature to take its course? Perhaps its no more complicated than not wanting to leave his wife's side?

[billethkid]

I would suggest the word...s-o-m-e...be inserted after the word When.....

"When people reach the eighty's and ninety's, why is their point of view so intractable?"

btk

[Trish Crocker]

Many times when someone is in a nursing home, they see others leave (maybe to the hospital?) and never return. This causes a lot of anxiety. In reality, at their age anything could happen. How would someone feel if they 'forced' the issue and the unthinkable did occur? At this stage in their lives their spouse IS their life. I would respect his wishes because it is what brings him peace. Maybe his health is actually better than hers and he knows it...he may not want to be 'fixed' because it would mean a longer life after she is gone. As Skyguy wisely suggested, would it be possible to take them both together?

[CaptJohn]

Originally Posted by skyguy79

Would it be practical/possible for both to go to the doctors appointment? It might work if they can think of it as... going on a date!

[RichieB]

I am going through the very same thing with my 97 year old mother right now.

It is like she is living in her own cocoon, in her own very familiar surroundings. The thing is - I am in my mid 60's now, and it impacts my ability to do things that my wife and I want and need to do.

It is a very difficult time. I don't mean to be harsh and cruel, but WE have a life too.

[Doodlegirl]

I cared for my elderly Dad and my elderly Aunt, sometimes simultaneously, during the last years of their lives. At times it was a real test, but mostly,
a great joy. As their minds began to leave the everyday to yesterday I found
it was easier to plan when I could recognize a fear or a worry. Once I understood I was leading them to their own unknown, and that they were
frightened, it made the caring much more important and easier. There was
a period of nearly two years in which my life was intertwined with theirs...it
was difficult for the most part, but ultimately their passing made me understand I gave them each a safe passage. Sometimes if you flip it around and say...well they took care of me at times they didn't want to or had other things to do....it makes it easier. However, full time caregiving of an elderly
relative is a full time job, and usually it doesn't feel that way until the end is approaching. Good luck.

[Villages PL]

Originally Posted by 2BNTV

One of the parents refuses to go for medical treatment needed outside of the facility as he doesn't want to be away from his spouse. He would rather pass away rather than leave her for a short while.

It might depend on what this (life and death) treatment consists of. For example, it's not uncommon for elderly people to (at some point) refuse kidney dialysis.