[MandoMan]

Originally Posted by DaddyD

I (along with a sibling) have been caring for my elderly parents (both late 80's) for the past seven years. While both parents are in reasonably good health for their age, neither can live independently, and were it not for us, both would be (at a minimum) in assisted living facility.

Over the past two years both my mother & father have had illnesses / accidents (falls) which resulted in them being hospitalized. My father was in a local hospital for nearly two weeks, and while the treatment / care he received there was adequate, I shudder to think what his experience would have been like had I not been there daily to manage / advocate for his medical care.

I'm in my 50's, single with no children, and while my "elderly years" are still decades away, this experience of helping my parents has really got me wondering how I'm going to manage the last 10-15 years of my life.

Lots of people mention CCRC's (Continuing Care Retirement Communities), but they won't sit with you at doctor's appointments, help you pay bills, manage your finances, etc..

For those of you who are single with no children:

If you are in the last decade or so of life, how are you doing it? Any tips or warnings?

For those of you in your 60's & 70's, what are your plans for when you aren't able to live independently & need help?

These are good questions to ask. This is why we need what the novelist Kurt Vonnegut (in one of his short stories) calls Ethical Suicide Parlors: local businesses (they could be run by funeral homes) where you make an appointment, are ushered into a quiet, comfortable room, are given pills or an IV or kool-aid or something, and peacefully slip away. I’d love having that available. I live alone, and I’ll probably die alone in my house.

My dad is 95, and we are good friends, but he lives in Denver. My sister lives with him now and makes sure he eats and takes his pills. He can walk around the house with a stick. He’s healthier than some people. He enjoys part of his life, but he is ready to go and wishes he had gone a few years back. He has a Do Not Resuscitate order. Unless he dies in his sleep, though, that last week or month or year will not be pleasant for him.

Welcome to the Monkey House (short story - Wikipedia)

[Bwanajim]

#1 this have long-term care. I purchased mine when I was in my 50s and it’s 4000 a year and covers everything.

[LuvNH]

This is a real important conversation and I thank the OP for raising it in Disney Land for seniors. It is something none of us want to face until it is too late.

I am a full time caregiver for my husband and I do have children and grandchildren, but I still have to worry about what happens to me when I have done my job with my husband. After living in one of the earlier villages north of 466 and seeing so many of my neighbors needing help, I have done some research and think the best way to go is private nursing care. Most Assisted Living facilities start at $10K a month and you can get some good care starting at $40 an hour. However, in the event that my brain goes I am hoping someone in my family will handle my affairs.

I think this idea is well worth thinking about if you are truly alone in this world. One of my neighbors is a widow, she played golf with a ladies group, three of them sold their smaller homes and purchased a brand new Premium and live together taking care of each other. They did have an elder attorney who set up everything for them.

[retiredguy123]

Buying a large house with friends to share the caregiving is great "IF" it works out. But, if it doesn't, it can be a disaster.

[retiredguy123]

When I lived in Northern Virginia, there were small companies that would buy and manage large single family houses and equip them to allow 4 or 5 people to live in the house. The company would hire professional caregivers to work a 48-hour shift, so that there was always a caregiver living in the house 24/7. The advantage to the caregivers was that they could be paid a fulltime wage and only work 2 days per week. It was an alternative to moving into an assisted living facility. I don't know if it would work in The Villages.

[JMintzer]

Originally Posted by Bwanajim

#1 this have long-term care. I purchased mine when I was in my 50s and it’s 4000 a year and covers everything.

Yup!

My wife and I purchased policies when in our mid/late 30's. It is no longer offered and our financial advisor insists that we never miss a payment. It's that good of a policy...

Our's is in the mid $2K/per year right now...

[MightyDog]

The comments on this thread are further proof of how important this topic is. No offense to anyone but, the comments are flinging in all sorts of directions only semi-related to what the OP was asking about.

We know there are all kinds of ways to live when elderly - at home with hired care, at home with family or friend care, facilities that are independent living or assisted or nursing, etc. etc.

The OP is interested in figuring-out who would be the person, or people, dedicated to looking out for an aged person and would have the legal and healthcare POAs, which are very serious responsibilities. Even those with a spouse or adult children would be wise to select very carefully who those will be and, by all means, DO NOT give both POAs to the same person.

My Mother did the old-fashioned thing and gave the oldest son (he's also the oldest child) ALL of the legal permissions. That was a bad move for several reasons. Note: for those with tender sensibilites, buckle-up, because I'm going to drop some truth bombs.
-- He's not the brightest and has lived a very sheltered life so, he's naive (that's why the nursing home could get away with price gouging so severely as I stated in Comment #11. And, no, old people don't naturally sleep that much - they're sedating them!)
-- He is a very uncommunicative guy so, the other 3 of us have been left scratching and clawing to get info on our own about her situation. It's patently ridiculous and we also live several states away.
-- IMPORTANT: If family members are unhappy with how the person who has healthcare POA is handling matters and want to change who has that permission - who do they have to consult first to do that? Well, the person who has legal POA. Ooohh, it's the same person! See the problem? How likely will that individual be willing to do that? Not much, is the answer. (People like absolute control, that's why.) So, that means other family members have to hire a lawyer and potentially take that unreasonable individual to court. Not fun and very stressful.

Then, layer-in that the person with both POAs, if an offspring or spouse, is probably also a beneficiary and that can come into play regarding various decisions the POA might make...whether people want to believe that or not, it's reality. Ask estate attorneys, they have all kinds of crazed stories. You don't often hear these stories from friends b/c people are embarrassed at how badly their family handled some of these things. So, many remain in the dark about how tricky these things can be and don't have their own situations set-up very well or realistically.

[Romad]

Originally Posted by Djean1981

I hope to hang in there long enough for the home care robots.

That would be funny if it wasn’t true.

[virtualcynthia]

I was having a relaxing Sunday afternoon until I started reading this thread. Now my emotions are going every which way. The financial seems a little easier to plan than the actual human care side. My husband was a driver for Sumter senior living so we have an inside look at what it’s really like. I would never sell my house to buy a space at an assisted-living facility. Sumter senior living was very nice and then management changed and the chef changed and the meals were terrible and the halls were dirty. The only good thing was because it was a rental. The residents could leave at any time. The issue was, where do they go.
We have so many clubs. There should be one called Solo Agers that discusses all these issues.
For now I’m going to stop thinking, have a drink, and watch the Super Bowl.

[retiredguy123]

///

[retiredguy123]

Originally Posted by virtualcynthia

I was having a relaxing Sunday afternoon until I started reading this thread. Now my emotions are going every which way. The financial seems a little easier to plan than the actual human care side. My husband was a driver for Sumter senior living so we have an inside look at what it’s really like. I would never sell my house to buy a space at an assisted-living facility. Sumter senior living was very nice and then management changed and the chef changed and the meals were terrible and the halls were dirty. The only good thing was because it was a rental. The residents could leave at any time. The issue was, where do they go.
We have so many clubs. There should be one called Solo Agers that discusses all these issues.
For now I’m going to stop thinking, have a drink, and watch the Super Bowl.

It's a rental with no lease. Why would you buy furniture for an apartment, pay $6,000 per month, and not even get a 6 or 12 month lease?

[asianthree]

Originally Posted by DaddyD

I'm not certain what you are referring to when you wrote that your kids have seen an advisor and planned for the "what if". If by "what if" you mean if one spouse outlives the other and ends up w/ diminishing mental capabilities and needs help, I'd be interested to know what their advisor and they have planned.

If by "what if" you are referring to death...that's not a "what if", that is a "when". The end game is certain and the same for all of us.

Reread the post “dinks once a spouse passes” on your own. Meaning single with no children isn’t any different than Dinks when a spouse passes. Their what if is healthy spouse dies in an accident and remaining spouse has either severe medical issues or terminally ill. That’s where planning takes front and center.

The “what if” is what your financial person plans for, pretty sure everyones needs are nothing compared to what you would need for “What if”.
Financial guys don’t give advice for free, worth a sit down for you.

We have 3 children, with flourishing practices, who all have their own lives. We have plans in place with our advisers, that no child will have to take on any burdens due to diminish health or mental status. In turn none of our children expect us to take care of one of them in a what if event.

[DaddyD]

Originally Posted by Djean1981

I hope to hang in there long enough for the home care robots.

I'm not sure if you wrote the above in jest / as a joke, but actually I'm quasi-hopeful that by the time I'm in my 80's (nearly 30 years from now) "Assistant Personal Robots" will actually be a reality.

Is this a fantastical thinking?? Perhaps...but maybe not. We already have self-driving cars, robots are commonly found in factories, etc.. Technological advances don't follow a linear path, but grow by jumps and leaps. 30 years is a long time, it's doubtful that any of us imagined in 1996 the technology we take for granted now.

[DaddyD]

Originally Posted by virtualcynthia

I was having a relaxing Sunday afternoon until I started reading this thread. Now my emotions are going every which way. The financial seems a little easier to plan than the actual human care side.

My husband was a driver for Sumter senior living so we have an inside look at what it’s really like. I would never sell my house to buy a space at an assisted-living facility. Sumter senior living was very nice and then management changed and the chef changed and the meals were terrible and the halls were dirty. The only good thing was because it was a rental. The residents could leave at any time. The issue was, where do they go.

We have so many clubs. There should be one called Solo Agers that discusses all these issues.

I 100% that the financial side is the easy part; assuming you can afford it, you'll always be able to find a place--whether it be independent or assisted living or a nursing home--that will take you. But that's only half the problem.

Anyone who has spent any significant time as a patient in a hospital, rehab facility, or assisted living facility knows first hand that the care & attention you receive when you have friends / family who visit regularly & who advocate for & help manage your care is VASTLY better than the care that elderly patients w/ no one visiting or helping them receive. That's just facts.

YES--there definitely should be a club or organization in The Villages for solo agers! I vote that you start one Cynthia!!

Anyone willing to second my nomination??

[DaddyD]

As MightyDog wrote above, there are only a handful of options available for solo agers in their latter years, and we all know what they are.

If you don't have much money, you'll age in place until you can't any longer, and then at some point some governmental agency will get involved and you'll likely be moved (possibly against your will) to some kind of care facility. If you don't have assets you'll be sent to a facility which accepts medicaid, and the care / quality of life there will likely leave a lot to be desired.

If you've got substantial assets (this probably applies to the majority of Villagers) then you've got options:

You can hire an agency or individual(s) to come to your home and take care of you so you can "age (and die....) in place"

If you've got a long term care policy (good ones are increasingly difficult to find, definitely read the fine print!) or can self-pay, then you can go the CCRC route (CCRC = Continuing Care Retirement Facility), where you start off in an Independent or Assisted Living facility, and the move to a memory facility and/or nursing home as your needs change.

But there is a very important missing element in both options above, namely that you really REALLY need to have someone you trust who is both WILLING and ABLE to help manage your health care & finances.

Paying bills & managing finances is not something that the staff or management at any continuing care facility should, can, or will do for you. And even in the best of facilities, you still need to have someone "watching those" who are watching over you and to help manage your care.

I'm aware that this is a stressful topic for some (myself included!) and that there are no "perfect" solutions. But having a plan is vastly better than "no plan at all"...which really is a plan as well...just not a very good one.

I very well may feel differently 20-30 years from now, but at present I have no desire to live out my last years in a traditional assisted living facility or nursing home. As I wrote in a post above, a small part of me does think that robotic help may be a very real possibility in the not-too-distant future.

Other ideas I have:

I've traveled quite extensively, and other countries & cultures treat the elderly very differently than we do here in the United States & most westernized cultures. The elderly are practically revered in Asian cultures, and generally treated very well in latino/hispanic countries as well. If I do decide to go the Assisted Living / Nursing Home route, since I don't have children or close relatives I can rely one, I may choose to relocate overseas. I would be surprised if one couldn't get a MUCH higher level of care for significantly less money in countries like the Philippines, Malaysia, Mexico, Panama, etc..

I'm "quantity sufficient" in terms of money & own some valuable real estate; assuming I still have considerable assets left whenever it is that I need help, perhaps I can find a local family to "adopt a Grandfather" in exchange for putting them in my will and leaving them my assets when I die?

Join a kibbutz or commune?

Death with dignity? Everyone's entitled to their opinion, but personally I have no problem with someone terminally ill or who is in the last few years of life who decides to end their life on their own terms.

I am very aware that all the plans I've described above real risks. But if a person doesn't have younger friends or family members who they a) TRUST, b) who are WILLING , and c) ABLE to help you, there is no perfect plan--you have to come up with the best "imperfect" plan you can.

Since I don't have children, all I can do is come up with the best plan I can and "hope for the best". But I'm certain that having no plan is the worst plan of all.

My motivation in making this post was hoping that others older than myself who are currently living out this reality would chime in with their thoughts, opinions, and experiences.