A Male Fairy Tale:
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?"

The Princess said, "No!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after: rode motorcycles, dated skinny, long-legged, full-breasted women, hunted and fished, raced cars, went to naked bars, dated ladies half his age, drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan, never heard bitching, never paid child support or alimony, dated cheerleaders, kept his house, guns, ate spam, potato chips and beans, blew enormous farts, never got cheated on while he was at work, all his friends and family thought he was friggin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The end.

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Northern Tip
of Massachusetts. He said that since early this morning the
snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The
temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is
increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but
look through the kitchen window and just stare.
He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their
mobile phones.

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense
guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me
your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears……..
I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my husband we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of no-where. She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little 25 cal. Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my husband's knee cap was all it took...the bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection!

A guy is 74 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?' The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"


He said: "Who fvcked up your hair?"

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible motorcycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

“Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl.”

The priest asks, “Is that you, Joey Pagano ?”

“Yes, Father, it is.”

“And who was the girl you were with?”

“I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation”.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Maria Minetti?”

“I cannot say Father.”

“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”“

I'll never tell.”

“Was it Nina Capelli?”

“I'm sorry, but I cannot tell you her name.”

“Was it Cathy Piriano?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?”

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration.
“You”re very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What”d you get?”

“Four months vacation and five good leads.”

Police in Detroit last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 200 pounds of heroin, 5 million in forged US banknotes, and 25 trafficked Latin prostitutes -- all in a house behind the Public Library on Woodward Ave. Local residents were stunned, and a community spokesman said, "We're all shocked; we never knew we had a library."

The human body has 7 trillion nerves.......my wife manages to get on every fvcking one of them.

I said to the wife, “Get me a newspaper” “Don't be silly,” she said “You can borrow my iPad” That spider never knew what fvcking hit it.

I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. They're brilliant...It makes the wife look like she’s actually moving during sex.

My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.

I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don't worry, I am a professional – I've seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I'll check it out. I said, “My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny”.

I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal. Dyslexic bitch, it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend……

A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, “Don't enter that church, you damn fool !!!” His wife asks him, “What are you watching?” Husband replies, “Our bloody wedding video”.

Life is like a pen1s....Soft and hanging freely....It’s women that make it hard.

I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it. She says that it makes her sleepy and her ass sore.

At the San Francisco Marriage Counter

"Next."

"Good morning. We want to apply for a marriage license."

"Names?"

"Tim and Jim Jones."

"Jones?? Are you related?? I see a resemblance."

"Yes, we're brothers."

"Brothers?? You can't get married."

"Why not?? Aren't you giving marriage licenses to same gender couples?"

"Yes, thousands. But we haven't had any siblings.

That's incest!"

"Incest?" No, we are not gay."

"Not gay?? Then why do you want to get married?"

"For the financial benefits, of course. And we do love each other. Besides, we don't have any other prospects."

"But we're issuing marriage licenses to gay and lesbian couples who've been denied equal protection under the law. If you are not gay, you can get married to a woman."

"Wait a minute. A gay man has the same right to marry a woman as I have. But just because I'm straight doesn't mean I want to marry a woman. I want to marry Jim."

"And I want to marry Tim, Are you going to discriminate against us just because we are not gay?"

"All right, all right. I'll give you your license. Next."

Keep going…

"Hi. We are here to get married."

Names?"

"John Smith, Jane James, Robert Green, and June Johnson."

"Who wants to marry whom?"

"We all want to marry each other."

"But there are four of you!"

"That's right. You see, we're all bisexual. I love Jane and Robert, Jane loves me and June, June loves Robert and Jane, and Robert loves June and me. All of us getting married together is the only way that we can express our sexual preferences in a marital relationship."

"But we've only been granting licenses to gay and lesbian couples."

"So you're discriminating against bisexuals!"

"No, it's just that, well, the traditional idea of marriage is that it's just for couples."

"Since when are you standing on tradition?"

"Well, I mean, you have to draw the line somewhere."

"Who says?? There's no logical reason to limit marriage to couples.
The more the better. Besides, we demand our rights! The mayor says the constitution guarantees equal protection under the law. Give us a marriage license!"

Still going…

"All right, all right. Next."

"Hello, I'd like a marriage license."

"In what names?"

"David Deets."

"And the other man?"

"That's all. I want to marry myself."

"Marry yourself?? What do you mean?"

"Well, my psychiatrist says I have a dual personality, so I want to marry the two together. Maybe I can file a joint income-tax return."

"That does it!? I quit!!?
You people are making a mockery of marriage!!"

A Scotsman appeared before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything in your life of particular merit?", Saint Peter asked

"Well, I can think of one thing", the Scotsman replied.

"On a trip to the outskirts of Glasgow, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I asked them to leave her alone but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the $%#* out of all of you!' "

Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"A couple of minutes ago."

One friend said to the other,
“What is a dilemma, actually?”
He replied,
“Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that. Imagine that you are lying in a big bed
with a beautiful naked young woman on one side
and a gay man on the other.
Who are you going to turn your back on?

Originally Posted by Guest

One friend said to the other,
“What is a dilemma, actually?”
He replied,
“Well, there's nothing better than an example to illustrate that. Imagine that you are lying in a big bed
with a beautiful naked young woman on one side
and a gay man on the other.
Who are you going to turn your back on?

Many gay men have taste actually on whom they sleep with. Some go at anything male that has a butt though.

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

"May I see the new baby?" I asked.

"Not yet," she said.... "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while, first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, "May I see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," she said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, "May I see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, "Well, when can I see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told me.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" I demanded. "Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?"

"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!"