Originally Posted by dirtbanker

When Obama died, George Washington met him
at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the
face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy
the Nation I helped conceive?"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose
and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but
you failed."

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and
said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, he beat Obama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the radical socialist leader.

As Obama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Obama wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 VIRGINIANS waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said? You really need to listen when someone is trying to tell you something!"

That is funny, current and worth repeating.

Thought you might want to consider getting on board early.

A Scottish Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1957 and Billy had a
date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Billy in.
"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade?
Iced tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Billy said.

Mom brought the iced tea. "So, what are you and Peggy planning to do
tonight?" she asked.


"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the
malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Uh...really?" Billy replied, with raised eyebrows.

"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends,
that's all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Billy, inquisitively.


"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if
we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip," Billy said as he began thinking about
alternate plans for the evening.


A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a
picture wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, and with her hair
tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Billy.


"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.


Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the
house and slammed the front door behind her.


"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The damned dance
is called the Twist.

Two older women were having lunch together while discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman said, "I need to be honest with you. I'm getting a boob-job."

The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my a$$-hole bleached!"

"Oh! Dear!" replied the first woman. "I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in the North Hills of Pittsburgh were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so snow ploughs can get through conveniently".

So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,

"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio

announcer says,

"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.

You must park. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "

Then the power went off. . . . . . . .!

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do.

Which side of the street do I need to park on so the
snow ploughs can get through?"

Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes (and those with grey hair) always exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"

AFFORDABLE BOAT ACT

Every citizen MUST purchase a new boat, by April 2014. These "affordable" boats will cost an average of $54,000-$155,000 each. This does not include taxes, trailers, towing fees, licensing and registration fees, fuel, docking and storage fees, maintenance or repair costs.

This law has been passed, because until now, typically only wealthy and financially responsible people have been able to purchase boats. This new law ensures that every American can now have a "affordable" boat of their own, because everyone is "entitled" to a new boat.

If you purchase your boat before the end of the year, you will receive 4 "free" life jackets; not including monthly usage fees.

In order to make sure everyone purchases an affordable boat, the costs of owning a boat will increase on average of 250-400% per year. This way, wealthy people will pay more for something that other people don't want or can't afford to maintain.

But to be fair, people who can't afford to maintain their boat will be regularly fined.

Children (under the age of 26) can use their parents boats to party on until they turn 27; then must purchase their own boat.

If you already have a boat, you can keep yours (just kidding; no you can’t). If you don't want or don't need a boat, you are required to buy one anyhow. If you refuse to buy one or can’t afford one, you will be regularly fined $800 until you purchase one or face imprisonment.

Failure to use the boat will also result in fines. People living in the desert; inner cities or areas with no access to lakes are not exempt. Age, motion sickness, experience, knowledge nor lack of desire are acceptable excuses for not using your boat.

A government review board (that doesn't know the difference between the port, starboard or stern of a boat) will decide everything, including; when, where, how often and for what purposes you can use your boat along with how many people can ride your boat and determine if one is too old or healthy enough to be able to use their boat. They will also decide if your boat has out lived its usefulness or if you must purchase specific accessories,(like a $500 compass) or a newer and more expensive boat. Those that can afford yachts will be required to do so...it’s only fair.

The government will also decide the name for each boat. Failure to comply with these rules will result in fines and possible imprisonment.


Government officials are exempt from this new law. If they want a boat, they and their families can obtain boats free, at the expense of tax payers. Unions, are also exempt.

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the o ld woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered "The TEETH"

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

'Cash, check or charge?' The cashier asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in the woman's purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' the cashier asked.

'No,' the woman replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),
he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00AM.'
He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up,
only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00AM. Wake up.'

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sit down at the table next to him.

He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

'To Fly. To Serve'?

The woman looks at him blankly

He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'?

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'?

The woman looks at him sternly and says
'What the fvck do you want?'

'Aha!' he says, "Qantas".

Children Writing About the Ocean. The next time you take an oceanography course, you will be totally prepared.


1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an ******* on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

A Japanese couple is in an argument over ways to experience highly erotic sex.....
Husband says: “Sukita”
Wife replies: “Kowanini”
Husband says: “Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!”
Wife on her knees literally begging: *“Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!”
Husband replies angrily: “Na miaou kina tim kouji!........”

And YOU just sit there, reading this $hit as if you understood Japanese!