Pablo Picasso - Gray female head and red ocher background, 1926

Pablo Picasso of course. Pablo Picasso - Head, 1926

The Pitbull and the Swamp Hound.
 

An Australian walks into a bar in New York with his dog & shouts "I have $100 here that says my dog can beat any other dog in a fight." The bartender looks down at the dog with disgust & says "what is that ugly thing". The Aussie replies"It's an Australian short legged long tailed swamp hound" One guy at the end of the bar offers to take him on with his Rottweiler. Within 5 seconds the Rottweilers neck is broken. The Aussie says anybody want to $200. Another guy steppes forward with a pitbull 3 foot at the shoulder snarling & snapping at anything that moves. "I'll take your money " he says. the dogs lunge at each other & in only a few seconds the pitbulls head is severed. The pitbulls owner stares in disbelief and says "what the hell did you say that dog was". The Aussie replies "it's an Australian short legged long tailed swamp hound but back home we just call em crocodiles."

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange.

He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Hillary supporter, but that could all be a coincidence. The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.

Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, ‘Well, then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!’
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, ‘Well, little lady, why don’t you go give it a try?’
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration……
Sonofabitch!! … THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT, TOO!

After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson .

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart it’s Eric, I’m on the train – yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting – no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life – yes, I’m sure, cross my heart” etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice: ”Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!”

Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer.

Gladys failed a Health and Safety course at the Local Senior Centre today.

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"Fvcking' big ones," was apparently, not the right answer.

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says;

"Listen here, good looking, I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on... It doesn't matter to me. I just love it."

His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding... I'm in Congress too. What state do you represent?

I was sitting watching Match of the Day when the Mrs came into the lounge and says,
"Fancy a shag Babe?"
I said, "After the football love"
She said, "You do realise that you can record it?"
I said, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the footy finishes".

A priest was invited to attend a house party.
Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his Priest's Collar.
A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening.
Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at.
The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.
When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked the boy;
"Do you know why I am wearing that?"

The boy nodded his head yes, and replied,
"It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months".

President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the
American Indian Nation in upstate New York ..

He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every
Native American's present standard of living. He referred to his time
as a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every Native American issue
that came to the floor of the Senate.

Although President Obama was vague about the details of his plans, he
seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for
helping his, "Red sisters and brothers".

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a
plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, "Walking Eagle".

The proud President Obama accepted the plaque and then departed in his
motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to
select the new name they had given to the President.
They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full
of $hit it can no longer fly.

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Jeff! All he wants is sex, sex and more sex; my vagina is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a 5 cent piece."

Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?"

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your husband are having sex.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"$hit!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre.
Claude was never invited back...

Two blonds were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blond #1.

"Do what?", asked Blond #2.

"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

In a recent survey commissioned by President Obama, African-Americans have proven to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.
The survey was carried out for Obama by a leading soap and toiletries firm. The results revealed that 86% of African-Americans said that they have had sex in the shower.
The remaining 14% said they haven't been to prison yet.
Sort of brings tears to your eyes.

Two Amish women were out picking potatoes in the field when one of them picked up two huge potatoes and said "These potatoes remind me of Emil's balls""Are they that big?" asked the other." No they're this dirty."

What do Democrats and porn stars have in common? They are experts in switching positions in front of a camera!

Southern cops have a way with words!

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Donald John Trump does this quite often.

Two Minnesota engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walks by and asks what they were doing.

"Ve're supposed to find da height of dis flagpole, " said Sven, "but ve don't haff a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground.

Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

Ole shook his head and laughed. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask fer da height and she gives us da length!"

A cabbie picks up a Nun in San Francisco... She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

A doctor in Duluth , Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

"Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients."

"Yes, sir!" answers Ole.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Ole, How was your day?"

Ole told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had aheadache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo, mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Ole.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: ‘HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!’"

"Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes!!"

The maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban did”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Señora… The gardener did.”
Wife: “So how much do you want?”

Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden? POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for
your popcorn for the rest of your life... Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!"

Then POOF!.... She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."

Dave shouts back,

"DON'T SWING, Fred! For the Love of God, DO NOT SWING!”

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.
He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore.
She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

"It's Frank. The midget”

Viagra Wife Diary

Day 1

Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2

Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

Day 3

This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

Day 4

A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5

What absolute bliss!!

Day 6

Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

Day 7

This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

Day 8

I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9

No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10

Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

Day 11

I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

Day 12

I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...

Day 13

Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the [#@!$].

Day 14

I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!

Day 15

I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and screw himself and he did.

Day 16

The [#@!$] has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17

Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ! Here he comes again!

Day 18

He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify
in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money?

The lawyer,using sign language, asks Guido where's the money?.

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him.."

Guido signs back, "OK.!!!! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'

9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10 PM news was coming on.

The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building, preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven."

The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven." "What's the bad news?" "The bad news is that you're pitching on Wednesday."

THE ITALIAN WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.

So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me..

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was Bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me.

I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate.

she never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over.

'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived.

she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".

she couldn't overcome them anymore.

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said.

"if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment..

Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.

He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.

We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.

Welcome to the family my son..'



And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched their heads.'

I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about
drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the
authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the
years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and
had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something
I've never done before ~ I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police
road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I
have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to
do with it now that it's in my garage.

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as real Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

'What's that ?' the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his peni$ he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!!


It will say ADIDAS in a minute."

I have read almost every one of the jokes on here and for some reason I am still laughing at this one!

Sent from my SM-N910R4 using Tapatalk

Glad you found one you like!

WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED*
Men Are Just Happier People --What do you expect from such simple creatures?*
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.*
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.*Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.*
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress £5000, Tux rental £100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.*
One mood all the time.*
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.*
You know stuff about tanks.*
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.*
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.*
Your underwear is £2.99 for a three-pack.
Two pairs of shoes are more than enough.*You almost never have strap problems in public.*
You are unable to see creases in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.*
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.*
You only have to shave your face and neck.*
You can play with toys all your life.*
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.*
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.*
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.*
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes!!



Men Are Just Happier People, Too!*
NICKNAMES�*If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.*If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Nobby and Tosser.*
EATING OUT�*When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in a tenner, even though it's only for £25. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.*When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.*
MONEY�*A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.*A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.*
BATHROOMS�*A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.*The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.*
ARGUMENTS�*A woman has the last word in any argument.*Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.*
FUTURE�*A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.*
MARRIAGE�*A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.*A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.*
DRESSING UP�*A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.*A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.*

NATURAL�*Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.*Women somehow deteriorate during the night.*
OFFSPRING�*Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.*A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.*
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!*

An old man was asked, "At your ripe age, what do
you prefer to get - Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"

The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinson's.
Better to spill half an ounce of Jack Daniel's, than to
forget where you keep the bottle!!"