Elizabeth Warren says that she's troubled by Barack Obama's $400000 speaking fees. Not Hillary Clinton though. Hillary's just jealous as hell.

At Variety’s Power of Women event, Saturday Night Live member Vanessa Bayer noted that Chelsea Clinton’s mother, Hillary Clinton, isn't President.

But for that matter, neither is Chelsea's father.

Q. Why hasn't Hillary Clinton filed her income tax return yet?

A. Her W-2s from Saudi Arabia are still being translated.

One of the Senate Chaplains, a very old Catholic priest, suffers a massive heart attack on the Senate floor. As they prepare to rush him to a hospital he whispers a dying request to one of the Senate pages that Senators Hillary Clinton and Ted Kennedy accompany him in the ambulance. Aware of the flashing of press cameras and bright glare of the TV lights, the two Senators hold the priest's hands as he is taken away.

One reporter corners the Senate page. "Wow, that was something. Did the priest say why he wanted Clinton and Kennedy to go with him in the ambulance?"

The page nodded. "Yes, the good Father said all his life he tried to emulate his Savior and if dying between two lying thieves was good enough for Jesus it was good enough for him."

There's a funny story about how Bill and Hillary first met at Yale... it seems they were both dating the same woman.

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich, and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away.

When they come down and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of Oz. They decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz.

Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"

Q: What does Clinton tell an intern when they leave his office?
A: Be sure not to hit your head on the desk.

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened.
About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.
"What happened to you," asked Bill.
Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me.
"My God, what did you tell them", asks Clinton.
The driver replied, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig".

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.

You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear MaMa,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.
But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son
Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read:

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving MaMa

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.


The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas, mowing his front lawn as he always did.
A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, "Excuse me, do you speak English?"
Lee responded, "Yes Ma'am, I do."
The lady then asked, "What do you charge to do yard work?"
Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her."
The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.

47. “That’s what he’s best at. Putting a bow on a turd, marking up the price, and selling it so hard, you want it—even though you know it’s just a turd with a bow on it. America is that turd!”—Lewis Black

48. “Donald Trump said yesterday that if he's elected, he would 'probably not talk as much.' That's right, if Donald Trump is elected, even HE will be speechless.”—Seth Meyers

49. “It’s safe to say everything Trump touches turns to gold. Especially the Miss Teen U.S.A. contestants he pees on.”—Seth McFarlane

50. “Hillary Clinton said she went to Donald Trump's wedding but didn't give him a gift. Trump said, 'Just for that, you're not coming to my next three weddings.'”—Conan O'Brien

51. “Donald Trump has canceled a planned trip to Israel. When asked why, Trump said, 'They already have a wall and a fear of Muslims. My work there is done.'”—Conan O'Brien

52. “A word association poll found the words most associated with Donald Trump are idiot, jerk, stupid, and dumb. In other words, he really could be our next president. He's got everything it takes.”—Conan O'Brien

53. “A new poll released today shows Donald Trump is leading the Republican field with 24 percent. How far are we going to let this go? It's almost Thanksgiving. Trump is still leading. Next thing you know, he's winning Iowa, then he takes New Hampshire, then he somehow actually becomes the Republican nominee. And before you know it, Hillary Clinton is president!”—Seth Meyers

54. “Just got told exactly what Donald Trump is going to do Monday at the RNC. Mother of God. We are finally living in IDIOCRACY.”—Patton Oswalt

55. “A new study of the candidates' Facebook fans found that Donald Trump's fans have the worst grammar. Which isn't surprising, since Trump's whole campaign has been one, big run-on sentence. 'We need to build a wall and fix the economy and get back at China and Rosie O'Donnell and I'm very rich and here's a red hat and...'”—Jimmy Fallon

56. “I do think Donald Trump is honest in his own way. He is honestly an egomaniacal billionaire.” –Stephen Colbert

57. “Today Donald Trump signed a loyalty pledge to the Republican Party saying that he would endorse for president whoever wins the Republican nomination and would not run as a third-party candidate as he has threatened to in the past. And I'll tell you something. When Donald Trump makes a vow, he keeps it. Ask any of his wives, they will tell you.” –Jimmy Kimmel

More Donald John Trump jokes.

58. “In an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, Donald Trump said, ‘I believe in god.’ But of course The Donald was talking about Himself.”―Jay Leno

59. “Donald Trump said, 'There’s nobody that’s done so much for equality as I have.' That’s right, he said: 'In some states, I’m hated equally by blacks and Hispanics.'” –Conan O'Brien

60. “Republican hopeful Rick Perry this week compared Donald Trump to cancer. Which really isn't fair, because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.” –Seth Meyers

61. “On Saturday Donald Trump had some unkind words for Arizona Senator John McCain. Can you imagine being tortured 5 1/2 years in a Vietnamese prison camp, and then a man whose greatest war-time accomplishment was brokering a peace treaty on 'Celebrity Apprentice' between Gary Busey and Meat Loaf belittles you and calls you a loser?” –Jimmy Kimmel

62. “A guy with the worst spray tan in America is attacking me for putting on makeup.”—Marco Rubio

63. “After Donald Trump’s derogatory comments about immigrants, NBC has officially cancelled 'Celebrity Apprentice.' Think about it, Donald Trump isn’t even president yet, and he’s already made America a better place.”—Conan O'Brien

64. “Whatever you think about Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz, at least you basically know where they stand, but Trump’s opinions have been wildly inconsistent. He’s been pro-choice and pro-life, for and against assault weapon bans, in favor of both bringing Syrian refugees and deporting them out of the country, and that inconsistency has been troubling…This is the frontrunner for the Republican nomination advocating a war crime. And he might say he was joking or he’s changed his mind about any of these things, and private individuals are allowed to change their minds — we all do it — but when he’s sworn in as president on Jan. 20, 2017, on that day, his opinions are going to matter. And you will remember that date, because it’s the one that time travelers from the future will come back to try and stop the whole thing from happening.” —John Oliver

65. “Did you see Donald Trump's big announcement today? Trump is very confident. He could be the only presidential candidate to ever pick himself as a running mate.”—Jimmy Kimmel

66. “This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying *******!”―Lewis Black

67. Are we really doing this Donald Trump thing? We’re really doing that as a country? He’s ****ed. I like to put my name in giant letters on everything I own as much as the next guy, but the only other people that do that are like 8-year-olds going to camp.”—Jon Stewart

68. “At this point Trump is the political equivalent of a phone sex operator. He's just whispering whatever dirty little racist fantasies Republicans want to hear.”—Michael Che

69. “Miss USA, for example, is owned by Donald Trump—a clown made of mummified foreskin and cotton candy.”—John Oliver

70. “Trump’s performance-art character is butch in the sense that certain gay icons are butch — bikers, cowboys, and the rest of the Village People — and appealing to certain men for similar reasons, one of which is overcompensation for threats against their virility.”—Kevin Williamson

71. “Arguing with Trump is sort of like dressing up an adorable toddler in a Viking outfit and listening to it say that he will raid my village and slaughter all in his path. It’s cute. It’s funny. Maybe it’s even vaguely disturbing if he goes on too long (“I shall hang you from the fence post as a blood eagle! And I have a boom-boom in my diaper, daddy!”). But, just as with Trump’s ranting, the one thing you don’t do is take it seriously.”—Jonah Goldberg

And some more Donald John Trump jokes.

Donald Trump Press Conference Cold Open - SNL - YouTube

Still throw up a little in my mouth from seeing this. Donald John Trump as POTUS.

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, waiting on it to turn green.

A carload of young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, stopped next to me.

The light changed, the Muslims shook their fists, hit the gas and darted off ahead of me.

Suddenly an 18-wheeler came speeding thru the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man, that could have been me!"

So, today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked right into his eyes and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide".

"Why in the world do you need cyanide?", the pharmacist asked.

"I need it to poison my husband".

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law!"

"I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CAN NOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said " You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

A perv, a megalomaniacal fascist, a Russian spy and a con artist enter a bar together. The bartender looks up and asks, "What'll it be, President Trump?"

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a beautiful girl about to jump off a bridge so they stopped.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?”
“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asked…. “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”
So she does… It was a long, deep lingering kiss.
After she’s finished, the biker says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That’s a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?”
“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl……”

72. “(Donald Trump) might win. He’s got enough ex-wives to vote for him.”—Chris Rock

73. “Over the years, his name has been on some things that have arguably been very un-good, including Trump Shuttle, which no longer exists; Trump Vodka, which was discontinued; Trump Magazine, which folded; Trump World Magazine, which also folded; Trump University, over which he’s being sued; and of course, the travel-booking site GoTrump.com, whose brief existence was, I imagine, a real thorn in the side of anyone hoping GotRump.com featured a single thing worth masturbating to.”—John Oliver

74. “What Donald Trump really reminds me of is a spoiled five-year-old throwing a tantrum. Every time a parent takes the kids’ side over the teachers’ and asks a child where they want to go to dinner or doesn’t say ‘be quiet when adults are talking,’ you are creating the Donald Trumps of tomorrow.”—Bill Maher

75. “Americans are slow and dim and dumb, and they need extra time. If we had a two-month election cycle, they would've elected Trump already... For the first couple of months, people were enamored with him. Now, they see his shtick. He has two things: 'Me build wall. Me great.'”–Bill Maher

76. “If he hadn’t inherited $200 million, you know where Donald Trump would be right now? Selling watches in Manhattan.” – Marco Rubio

77. “Trump is kind of like the movie Snakes on a Plane. Sure the idea is entertaining. But an actual snake on your plane would be terrifying. And that's what's happening now. The plane is American democracy. And the snake is Trump.”-–Seth Meyers

78. “The closest Trump ever got to battle was his fight with Rosie O'Donnell.” –Jimmy Kimmel

79. “There is a lunatic in North Korea trying to get a nuclear weapon and a lunatic trying to get ahold of nuclear weapons in America." – Marco Rubio

80. ‘Trump NOT Doing FOX Debate Cause Of MEGAN (sic) KELLY… fkng PRIMA DONNA. HOW CAN HE FACE ISIS, HE CANT FACE A CHICK ON TV.” –Cher

81. “Trump threatening not to show up for next debate if Megyn Kelly is moderating! I bet he’s so mad he has ‘blood coming out of his wherever.’”—Bette Midler

82. “Donald Trump just talked about his dick during a presidential debate! A dick which I presume looks like a Cheeto with the cheese dust rubbed off.” – John Oliver

83. “He’s always calling me ‘Little Marco’ … and I’ll admit he’s taller than me, he’s 6’2″ which is why I don’t understand why he has hands the size of someone who’s 5’2″. Have you seen his hands? You know what they say about men with small hands.” – Marco Rubio

Some more Donald John Trump jokes.

The Snake on the Plane.
 

77. “Trump is kind of like the movie Snakes on a Plane. Sure the idea is entertaining. But an actual snake on your plane would be terrifying. And that's what's happening now. The plane is American democracy. And the snake is Trump.”-–Seth Meyers

Good one.

Cobra Starship - "Snakes on A Plane (Bring It)" - YouTube

Snakes on a Plane song.

I was standing in a bar and this little Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me.

After a few minutes, I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the fock you ask me dat? Is eet coz I Chinee"?

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my fvcking beer, you slanty-eyed little cocksucker!"

84. “Did you know Donald Trump’s birthname is ****face von Clownstick? I hope that’s all over Twitter.” – Jon Stewart

85. “It is so hot immigrants are coming across the border on slip and slides. That's how hot it is. It is so hot, Donald Trump hit on Megyn Kelly just to get the cold shoulder. That's how hot it is, ladies and gentlemen.” –Jay Leno

86. “Trump had medical deferment [during Vietnam] … he had inter-rectum cranial inversion — which means his head is up his ass.” – Jay Leno

87. “This all dates back to when we were growing up together in Kenya… we had constant run-ins on the soccer field. He wasn’t very good and he resented it.” – Barack Obama

88. “What a great honor it must be for you to honor me tonight. I'm so sorry; Donald Trump said that. It's getting trickier and trickier to satirize this stuff.” — Julia Louis Dreyfus

89. “Now, you might say he’d make a terrible president. I mean, the guy bankrupted his own casino. A casino! Where the House always wins! Unless it’s Donald Trump’s house!”—Lewis Black

90. “Trump is actually doing very well in Nevada. That's right, Trump appeals to Nevada's key demographic — people who've declared bankruptcy.”—Conan O'Brien

91. “Yes. He was still an odd person then… to me, Donald Trump is not a rich man. Donald Trump is like what a hobo imagines a rich man to be. Like Trump was walking around under an underpass, and he heard some guy like ‘Ohh, as soon as my number comes in, I’m gonna put up tall buildings with my name on ’em! I’ll have fine golden hair, and a TV show where I fire Gene Simmons with my children.’ And Trump was like ‘That is how I will live my life.'” – John Mulaney

92. “[Donald Trump’s] not good at running for president, he’s just good at ‘Family Feud.’ And these other people are terrible at ‘Family Feud.’ So when the Steve Harvey of this election is like ‘Name something that is bothering Americans,’ and Ted Cruz is like ‘Benghazi!’ [buzzer noise]. But then Trump is like ‘All the problems.’ And that’s the number one answer.”—John Mulaney

93. “Donald Trump can seem appealing until you take a closer look, much like the lunch buffet at a strip club, or the NFL or having a pet chimpanzee,” he added. “Sure it seems fun, but some day Coco is gonna tear your ****ing limbs off.”—John Oliver

Great stuff.

I Don't Look Good Naked Anymore - YouTube

Since 1984.... :BigApplause::posting:

It has been determined, the most used
Sexual position for married couples is
A doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs.

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

Sometimes during the weekends I drink some water - to surprise my liver.

A teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
'Human beings are the only animals that stutter' she said.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well,' she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty
and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back and went 'Ffffff! Ffffff! Ffffff!'
but before she could say 'F*ck off!' the Rottweiler ate her!

Ole was hunting geese up in the Minnesota woods. He leaned the old 16 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak.

As luck would have it, his foolish dog knocked the gun over, it went off and Ole took most of an ounce of #4 in the groin.

Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to.... and there was his doctor, Sven.

"Vell Ole, I got some good news and some bad news. Da good news is dat you are going to be OK.
Da damage vas local to your groin, dere was very
little internal damage, and I vas able to remove all of da buckshot."

"What's the bad news?", asks Ole

"The bad news is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena ."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Ole. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you vhere to put your fingers, so you don't pi$$ in your eye."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mommy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

What is the tallest building in the world? The library, because it has the most stories.
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare.
What do you call a South American librarian who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina.
What do you call a teacher who never farts in the library? A private tutor.
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.

A Texan was visiting Harvard University, and was lost. He stopped a student and asked, "Do you know where the library is at?"
"I sure do," replied the student, "But, you know, you're not supposed to end sentences with prepositions."
"What?"
"Prepositions. You ended your sentence with an 'at', which you aren't supposed to do."
"Oh, ok," said the Texan, "Do you know where the library is at, a$$hole?"

A guy calls the librarian and says "When does the Library open?"
And the librarian says "At nine o'clock and why are you calling me at midnight to get in?"
The guy says "I don't want to get in I want to get out."

A blonde walks into a library and shouts "I'LL HAVE A COKE PLEASE."
The librarian says, "This is a Library."
The blonde says, "Yes I know. I'LL HAVE A COKE PLEASE."
And the librarian says, one more time, "This is a library Miss."
The blonde goes "Oh," and whispers, "I'll have a coke please!"

One day the Library was lonely with no one in it for the librarian to help. These two chickens came through the door screeching "bouk bouk." The librarian quickly got up and gave them each 5 books. The two chickens left satisfied. Just a few minutes later the same two chickens come through the door with no books screeching "bouk bouk." The librarian once again jumps up and gives each chicken 15 books this time. The chickens leave satisfied once again. Then again for the third time the chicken return screeching "bouk bouk" But this rime being suspicious the librarian gives each chicken only one book because they have still have not returned the other books. As the chickens leave the librarian slowly follows behind to see where all the books are going. The chickens come to a stop and start throwing the books into a pond where some frogs grab the books and throw them behind their back croaking "red-it red-it"

A blonde lady walks into a library one day. She is wearing a short short skirt and you can smell her perfume from a mile away. She is carrying with her an extremely large book. She walks up to the librarian desk, slams the book down and shouts, "this is the worst book I ever read!","there are no pictures,the words are too small and its so god damn big!". The librarian slowly looks up at the blonde and says.."So your the one that stole our phone book"

86. “Trump had medical deferment [during Vietnam] … he had inter-rectum cranial inversion — which means his head is up his ass.” – Jay Leno

87. “This all dates back to when we were growing up together in Kenya… we had constant run-ins on the soccer field. He wasn’t very good and he resented it.” – Barack Obama

88. “What a great honor it must be for you to honor me tonight. I'm so sorry; Donald Trump said that. It's getting trickier and trickier to satirize this stuff.” — Julia Louis Dreyfus

89. “Now, you might say he’d make a terrible president. I mean, the guy bankrupted his own casino. A casino! Where the House always wins! Unless it’s Donald Trump’s house!”—Lewis Black

90. “Trump is actually doing very well in Nevada. That's right, Trump appeals to Nevada's key demographic — people who've declared bankruptcy.”—Conan O'Brien

91. “Yes. He was still an odd person then… to me, Donald Trump is not a rich man. Donald Trump is like what a hobo imagines a rich man to be. Like Trump was walking around under an underpass, and he heard some guy like ‘Ohh, as soon as my number comes in, I’m gonna put up tall buildings with my name on ’em! I’ll have fine golden hair, and a TV show where I fire Gene Simmons with my children.’ And Trump was like ‘That is how I will live my life.'” – John Mulaney

92. “[Donald Trump’s] not good at running for president, he’s just good at ‘Family Feud.’ And these other people are terrible at ‘Family Feud.’ So when the Steve Harvey of this election is like ‘Name something that is bothering Americans,’ and Ted Cruz is like ‘Benghazi!’ [buzzer noise]. But then Trump is like ‘All the problems.’ And that’s the number one answer.”—John Mulaney

93. “Donald Trump can seem appealing until you take a closer look, much like the lunch buffet at a strip club, or the NFL or having a pet chimpanzee,” he added. “Sure it seems fun, but some day Coco is gonna tear your ****ing limbs off.”—John Oliver

Trump jokes.