More intersesting than Wackadoodle's library thread

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  #1  
Old 04-29-2017, 07:46 AM
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Default More intersesting than Wackadoodle's library thread

Most of us have traded insults on this board. I would like to suggest we can trade some laughs too.

If you have a joke to share, please feel free to contribute. If you want to whine, or attack the other posters, please do it in one of the other threads.
  #2  
Old 04-29-2017, 07:47 AM
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They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them
in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband
has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition.
He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the
parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I
immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that
I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
*
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: left my
keys in the car and it's been stolen."
*
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been
disconnected, but then I heard his voice. Are you kidding me?" he
barked, "I dropped you off!"
*
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come
and get me."
*
He retorted, I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't
steal your damn car!"
  #3  
Old 04-29-2017, 07:48 AM
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A wife comes home late one evening, and quietly opens the door to the Master Bedroom.
From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts whacking the blanket as hard as she can.
Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, leaning on the counter, reading a magazine.
"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit, so I let'em stay in our bedroom.
Did you say "hello”?
  #4  
Old 04-29-2017, 07:52 AM
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The teacher Mr. Hull*said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
*
HE*saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodakio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
*
*
"Very good! -- Who said,' Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth."
*
Again, no response except from Little Hodakio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863".
*
"Excellent!" said the teacher Hull*continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult -- Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"
*
Once again, Hodakio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961".
*
*Teacher Hull*snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Little Hodakio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do".
*
He*heard a loud whisper:"F_ _ k the Japs".
*
"Who said that? -- I want to know right now!"*he angrily demanded.
*
Little Hodakio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945".
*
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke".
*
*Teacher Hull*glares around and asks, "All right! -- Now who said that?"
*
Again, Little Hodakio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991".
*
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"
*
Little Hodakio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher Hull, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
*
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!"
*
Little Hodakio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004".
*
The teacher, Dean Hull*fainted.
*
As-the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're F-- ked!"
*
Little Hodakio said quietly, "The American people, October 28, 2015 11:00 PM after watching the GOP Debate.
  #5  
Old 04-29-2017, 07:53 AM
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A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an *******!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for *******?"
Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.
  #6  
Old 04-29-2017, 07:55 AM
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Harassment. Use of wackadoodle and library thread. Very inappropriate jokes too as some high school and junior high school kids might be looking at this now or at some future date.
  #7  
Old 04-29-2017, 07:58 AM
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A Scotsman went to Confession in St. MacGregor's Catholic Cathedral.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Kitty Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Scottish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Kitty Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Kitty Green?'

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest.. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.

At mass the next Christmas morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.

The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Kitty Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father... I think it's just a reflection off her shoes'.
  #8  
Old 04-29-2017, 08:01 AM
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He was a widower and she a widow.

They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class
reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.

The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered,

"Yes,..... yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.

Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening,
but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked
up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.
As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did
you say “No?”

"Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”
  #9  
Old 04-29-2017, 08:07 AM
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The manager had put together the perfect team for the Baltimore Ravens. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" the manager said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Ravens go on to win the Super Bowl. The young man is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his Mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says." You are not my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Baltimore !!!!
  #10  
Old 04-29-2017, 08:10 AM
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A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman.

He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: a West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.

The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted.

We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:

six illegal aliens,
six lawyers,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
six Democrats,
and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"
  #11  
Old 04-29-2017, 08:13 AM
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A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.
Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk, 'Dddoo youu hhhave ddiilldos?'
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies, 'Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models.'
The old woman then asks, 'Dddddoo yyyouu ccaarry a pppinkk onne, tttenn inchessss llong aand aabbout twoo inchess ththiick...aaand rruns by bbaatteries?
The clerk responds, 'Yes we do'
She asks, ‘Dddoo yyoooouu kknnoooww hhhow ttoo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offffff?
  #12  
Old 04-29-2017, 08:21 AM
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A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,

Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?

The rabbi responded, Yes, that is still one of our laws.

The priest then asked, Have you ever eaten pork?

To which the rabbi replied,

Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,

Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?

The priest replied, Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith

The rabbi then asked him, Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?

The priest replied, Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said,

Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?
  #13  
Old 04-29-2017, 08:24 AM
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With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked.
'Not yet,' she said. "I'll make coffee
and we can visit for a while first.
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked,
'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked,
'Well, when can I see the baby?
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded.
'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!’
  #14  
Old 04-29-2017, 08:27 AM
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A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is a old retiree in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, “I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion.

He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.

“Here's your equipment--chair, whip and a gun.

“Who wants to try out first?”

The girl says, “I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.

About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles.

He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. “I've never seen a display like that in my life.”

He turns to the old retiree and asks, “Can you top that?”

The old retiree says, “No problem, just get that lion out of the cage and let me in.”
  #15  
Old 04-29-2017, 08:44 AM
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Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
 

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