After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson .

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart it’s Eric, I’m on the train – yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting – no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life – yes, I’m sure, cross my heart” etc., etc.

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice: ”Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!”

Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer.

Gladys failed a Health and Safety course at the Local Senior Centre today.

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"Fvcking' big ones," was apparently, not the right answer.

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says;

"Listen here, good looking, I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on... It doesn't matter to me. I just love it."

His eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding... I'm in Congress too. What state do you represent?

I was sitting watching Match of the Day when the Mrs came into the lounge and says,
"Fancy a shag Babe?"
I said, "After the football love"
She said, "You do realise that you can record it?"
I said, "Nice, you get the camcorder, I'll come upstairs when the footy finishes".

A priest was invited to attend a house party.
Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his Priest's Collar.
A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening.
Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at.
The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.
When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked the boy;
"Do you know why I am wearing that?"

The boy nodded his head yes, and replied,
"It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months".

President BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a major gathering of the
American Indian Nation in upstate New York ..

He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every
Native American's present standard of living. He referred to his time
as a U.S. Senator and how he had voted for every Native American issue
that came to the floor of the Senate.

Although President Obama was vague about the details of his plans, he
seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for
helping his, "Red sisters and brothers".

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented Obama with a
plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, "Walking Eagle".

The proud President Obama accepted the plaque and then departed in his
motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to
select the new name they had given to the President.
They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full
of $hit it can no longer fly.

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Jeff! All he wants is sex, sex and more sex; my vagina is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a 5 cent piece."

Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?"

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your husband are having sex.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blonde replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"$hit!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre.
Claude was never invited back...

Two blonds were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blond #1.

"Do what?", asked Blond #2.

"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

In a recent survey commissioned by President Obama, African-Americans have proven to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.
The survey was carried out for Obama by a leading soap and toiletries firm. The results revealed that 86% of African-Americans said that they have had sex in the shower.
The remaining 14% said they haven't been to prison yet.
Sort of brings tears to your eyes.

Two Amish women were out picking potatoes in the field when one of them picked up two huge potatoes and said "These potatoes remind me of Emil's balls""Are they that big?" asked the other." No they're this dirty."

What do Democrats and porn stars have in common? They are experts in switching positions in front of a camera!

Southern cops have a way with words!

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document." (My Favorite)

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."