More intersesting than Wackadoodle's library thread

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  #21  
Old 04-30-2017, 07:53 AM
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An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a
stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor
had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you
been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured
himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in
the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he
dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay
of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to
go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN,
DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

  #22  
Old 04-30-2017, 04:28 PM
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60th High School Class Reunion...

He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years, having been high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high, with the widower throwing admiring glances across the table and the widow smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, during one dance, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?” After about 6 seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes, yes I will!"

Needless to say, the evening ended on a happy note for the widower. However, the next morning he was troubled. Did she say “Yes" or did she say ‘No‘? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over-and-over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him could not recall her response.

With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes" or did you say “No”?

"Why, you silly man." she replied, I said Yes. Yes, I will! And I meant it with all my heart!"

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I'm so glad you called. I couldn't remember who asked me!"
Sponsored Links
  #23  
Old 04-30-2017, 05:43 PM
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Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every
Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local Strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Vern! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says...
"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book...

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY.
  #24  
Old 04-30-2017, 07:30 PM
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A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his mom to come out.

While waiting, the little boy gets bored and just when his mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend.

One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"HELL NO!" he cries, "You've got teeth down here!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "There's no such thing as teeth*down there!"

"Yes there are," he says, "My mom told me."

"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself."

With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No I' m sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that ALL women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"
  #25  
Old 05-01-2017, 05:58 AM
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Hello?'

'Hi, honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No, Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'

After a brief pause, Daddy says;
'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'


'Oh, yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.'


Brief Pause.


'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs,
knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'


'Okay, Daddy, just a minute.'


A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

'I did it, Daddy.'


'And what happened, honey?'


'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then, she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
and now she isn't moving at all!'


'Oh, my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'


'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'


Long Pause


Then Daddy says,

Swimming pool? ...........

Is this 486-5731?'


No, I think you have the wrong number ...
  #26  
Old 05-01-2017, 06:03 AM
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WARNING: "Don't try this at home"!

http://www.liveleak.com/ll_embed?f=bd6b41971375
  #27  
Old 05-01-2017, 09:01 AM
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Paddy was walking along the street during his once-in-a-lifetime visit to New York when he rounds a corner and there's a high rise building on fire.

Paddy, ever the kind-hearted and resourceful Irishman, runs up to the building to see if he can help and notices people trapped five stories up.

Paddy yells to the people, "I'm Paddy Michael Fitzpatrick, an Irish Fire Fighter on holiday. I'm also a Rugby Union fullback! If you jump, I'll catch you!"

One lady, in desperation, jumps and sure enough Paddy catches her.

Then a man sees that Paddy catches the woman and jumps. Sure enough, Paddy catches him as well.

Then OJ Simpson jumps out and crashes to the sidewalk. Paddy didn't even attempt to catch him.

Paddy looks up and yells, "Don't be throwin' down the burnt ones...!!!!"
  #28  
Old 05-02-2017, 06:29 AM
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One dark night in Thief River, Minnesota, a fire started inside the local plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone squeaky siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight... It was the nearby Swedish rural township, volunteer fire company from Nort of Gully composed mainly of Swedes over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.. Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the heroic Swede old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Swedish old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money? "Vell," said Oscar Peterson, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first ting ve's gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"
  #29  
Old 05-02-2017, 06:37 AM
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A Polish blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,
"I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you
mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons.
I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can
look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it*pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits.
I can splash it on my eyes."
  #30  
Old 05-02-2017, 07:01 AM
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A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class
that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is*'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the
class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculinem or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should
definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal
logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with
other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term
memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn
them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for
themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but
half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if
you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
 

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