Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, takes a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said 'How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin - in every vay.'

The doctor told him, 'Olof, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it in there as long as you can. He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art.

Olof mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, and they go on their honeymoon to Duluth ..

That night in the Motel 6, Lena rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said, 'Olof...you' re the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.'

Olof immediately drops his pants and replies,
'Look at dis Lena ...still in DA CRATE!

‘Wackadoodle’ Makes It To The Oxford English Dictionary | Anglophenia | BBC America

Pretty clear whom this whole thread is aimed at with respect to harassment. That's my library thread.

Originally Posted by Guest

Most of us have traded insults on this board. I would like to suggest we can trade some laughs too.

If you have a joke to share, please feel free to contribute. If you want to whine, or attack the other posters, please do it in one of the other threads.

Pretty clear whom this thread is meant to upset. Started by dirtbanker. Childish harassment with some x-rated jokes you can find anywhere on the Internet.

Really low class and has nothing to do with Politics. My library thread is about my experiences with one of the most heavily publicized murders in Northern Nevada history-- the Michelle Mitchell 2-24-1976 murder near the University of Nevada, Reno campus-- and then my desire to help my fellow Earl Wooster High School students cope with the investigation, arrest, press, trial, etc. And then how the powers that be in 1991 dealt with my criticisms of legal education and respect for survivors/victims of crimes. Among the people I had worked with while a law librarian were the Law Librarian of Congress and a woman with connections to President Barack Obama. Tenuous connections but there. And my bugging many Presidents and First Ladies to do something about this problem along with many US State Governors, US State Attorney Generals, the US Attorney General, US Senators, US Representatives, State Speakers of the House, State Senate Presidents, etc. Very very political.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend....I understand he took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

"You started your campaign by accusing Mexicans of being rapists. Now you're on tape explaining how you sexually assault women. The only way you could be more hypocritical is if you said it in Spanish." –Michael Che on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"


Very funny and actually political.

There are schizophrenics with Tourette's who have more control over what comes out of their mouths than Donald Trump.―Bill Maher
Donald Trump is "the kind of person who goes to the Super Bowl and thinks the people in the huddle are talking about him."―Eric Schneiderman
Donald Trump likes to say he's a friend to "the blacks." Unless the Blacks are a family of white people, I'm guessing he's mistaken.―Seth Meyers
This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a$$hole!―Lewis Black

Some more.

In an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, Donald Trump said, "I believe in God." But of course The Donald was talking about HIMSELF.―Jay Leno
Maybe he should ease into this ... by running for a lower office first, like President of the Hair Club for Men.―Jimmy Kimmel
Here's the thing about Donald Trump: he never apologizes; he's never wrong no matter what crazy thing he says. He's the white Kanye.―Bill Maher
Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.―Craig Ferguson
Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he's sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that!―David Letterman

And, indeed, Mr. Letterman, he already has! No one is laughing about Trump now, except the jackals and hyenas lining up to feast on the corpses he leaves in his wake.


Very amusing.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first,
the shed, the boat, making beer...always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house....was gone
only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I'll walk again, but I will always have a limp.

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots,But they only know to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.....

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....

As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...

Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's how the fight started...

What do you call it when a chicken sees a salad?

Chicken Caesar Salad.

A Scottish woman went to the local newspaper office to publish the obituary for her recently deceased husband.

The obit editor informed her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.

She paused, reflected, and then said, "Well then, let it read, "Angus MacPherson died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor told her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries.

She thought it over and in a few seconds said, "In that case, let it read........

"Angus MacPherson died. Golf clubs for sale.”

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need
at home?

Joey says "A computer." The teacher replies, "That would be very useful."

Jimmy says "A new lawn mower", and gets a similar response.

Little Jose pops up and says "At my house we don't need nothing!"

The teacher asks him to think again carefully, as everybody needs something.

Little Jose replies, "No I'm sure. When Trump was elected, I remember my dad saying, 'Well, that's the last thing we needed' ".

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 7 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"