[redwitch]

I've discovered that not only can cats read, but they have circulated a set of rules all felines must live by. They are:

RULES FOR A CAT TO LIVE BY:

I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.

III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.

IV. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the rules for "hampering":

a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activities), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.


(Yes, I know this is an oldie but it is a goodie!)

[Rokinronda]

Oldie that I never saw! Thanks Red. This is a keeper!!

[graciegirl]

I have never seen it either. I am only wondering how that cat typed it.

[redwitch]

Gracie, some things should never be asked. The answer might shock us. I think yours is one of those. But I'm willing to bet it was one claw at a time.

One thing that a cat has that a dog does not is claws to use when begging. Used to cat sit for my brother's very large cat-- Mephistopheles-- and if he liked what I was eating I would even get a claw in my knee to fork it over. ???

This cat sure lived up to his name at times-- Mephistopheles.

[swrinfla]

Red:

I have seen your piece before, but am so happy to see it again! It defines "cat!"

And, of course, Tal is right! Over the years, I have collected many puncture wounds in knees and legs!

And, it is, of course, not ever to be known how The (or Any) Cat typed your piece, because cats are, by definition, mysterious creatures!

SWR

[andrea j.]

Cat rules
LOVED IT.

andrea

[bargee]

Dogs have owners,cats have staff