[graciegirl]

Subj: Are You Really A Lawyer ???/


> What The Court Reporter Heard
>
> These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
> and are things people actually said in court, word for word,
> taken down and now published by court reporters who had the
> torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually
> taking place.
>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> > >> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your
> memory
> > at all?
> > >> WITNESS: Yes.
> > >> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> > >> WITNESS: I forget.
> > >> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
> something
> > you forgot?
> > >> ___________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
> involved
> > in voodoo?
> > >> WITNESS: We both do.
> > >> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> > >> WITNESS: We do.
> > >> ATTORNEY: You do?
> > >> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
> > in his sleep,
> > >> he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> > >> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> > >> ____________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is
> > he?
> > >> WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
> > >> ___________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> > >> WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me?
> > >> _________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
> August
> > 8th?
> > >> WITNESS: Yes.
> > >> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> > >> WITNESS: getting laid
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> > >> WITNESS: Yes.
> > >> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> > >> WITNESS: None.
> > >> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> > >> WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
> Can
> > I get a new
> > >> attorney?
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> > >> WITNESS: By death.
> > >> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> > >> WITNESS: Take a guess.
> > >>
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> > >> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> > >> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> > >> WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
> > >> _____________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to
> a
> > deposition
> > >> notice notice which I sent to your attorney?
> > >> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> > >> ______________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
> > performed on dead
> > >> people?
> > >> WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a
> > fight.
> > >> _________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
> > did you go to?
> > >> WITNESS: Oral.
> > >> _________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
> body?
> > >> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m .
> > >> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> > >> WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> > >> WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
> > >> ______________________________________
> > >>
> > >> And the best for last:
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
> > check for a
> > >> pulse?
> > >> WITNESS: No.
> > >> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> > >> WITNESS: No.
> > >> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> > >> WITNESS: No.
> > >> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
> alive
> > when you
> > >> began the autopsy?
> > >> WITNESS: No.
> > >> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> > >> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> > >> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
> alive,
> > >> nevertheless?
> > >> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
> > and practicing
> > >> law.

[Taltarzac725]

Originally Posted by graciegirl

Subj: Are You Really A Lawyer ???/


> What The Court Reporter Heard
>
> These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
> and are things people actually said in court, word for word,
> taken down and now published by court reporters who had the
> torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually
> taking place.
>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
> > >> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your
> memory
> > at all?
> > >> WITNESS: Yes.
> > >> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
> > >> WITNESS: I forget.
> > >> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
> something
> > you forgot?
> > >> ___________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
> involved
> > in voodoo?
> > >> WITNESS: We both do.
> > >> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
> > >> WITNESS: We do.
> > >> ATTORNEY: You do?
> > >> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
> > in his sleep,
> > >> he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
> > >> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> > >> ____________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is
> > he?
> > >> WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
> > >> ___________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
> > >> WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me?
> > >> _________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
> August
> > 8th?
> > >> WITNESS: Yes.
> > >> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> > >> WITNESS: getting laid
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> > >> WITNESS: Yes.
> > >> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> > >> WITNESS: None.
> > >> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> > >> WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
> Can
> > I get a new
> > >> attorney?
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> > >> WITNESS: By death.
> > >> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> > >> WITNESS: Take a guess.
> > >>
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> > >> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
> > >> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> > >> WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
> > >> _____________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to
> a
> > deposition
> > >> notice notice which I sent to your attorney?
> > >> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
> > >> ______________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
> > performed on dead
> > >> people?
> > >> WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a
> > fight.
> > >> _________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
> > did you go to?
> > >> WITNESS: Oral.
> > >> _________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
> body?
> > >> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m .
> > >> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> > >> WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
> > >> ____________________________________________
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
> > >> WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
> > >> ______________________________________
> > >>
> > >> And the best for last:
> > >>
> > >> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
> > check for a
> > >> pulse?
> > >> WITNESS: No.
> > >> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> > >> WITNESS: No.
> > >> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> > >> WITNESS: No.
> > >> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
> alive
> > when you
> > >> began the autopsy?
> > >> WITNESS: No.
> > >> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> > >> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> > >> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
> alive,
> > >> nevertheless?
> > >> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
> > and practicing
> > >> law.

They had books of these kind of jokes at all of the law school libraries I have visited over my life. Well, maybe, not at the National Judicial College in Reno, Nevada; but, then again...judges probably need a chuckle too and especially at the expense of lawyers. http://www.judges.org/

[Bonanza]

Gracie . . .

Did you know that 99% of the lawyers give the rest a bad name???

[lovsthosebigdogs]

Gracie, really enjoyed the laugh. Thanks.

[Kahuna32162]

I did tech support for an international law, I can't tell you how great it is to explain to a lawyer who bills $1800 an hour, how to cut and paste.

[getdul981]

Love it, Love it, Love it!!!!

[ron122049]

Good stuff. Here is another personal experience. When picking a jury we (lawyers) review the juror questionnaires submitted by prospective jurors. Depending on the type of case and who we are representing we look for smart folks or others who shall I say are not so savvy. So reading a questionnaire right after the name information is a box entitled "Sex" with the option to select "M or "F". The not so smart juror crossed out both and wrote in "not anymore". True story, and I did not elect her on the jury.

[njbchbum]

Thanks, Gracie! Have ya ever wondered what is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? Well, I'll tell ya.........a Doberman! [no apologies to the lawyers I know ]