Chuckle Of The Day

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  #16  
Old 05-04-2007, 10:05 PM
REDCART REDCART is offline
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Default Re: Chuckle Of The Day


Three dead bodies

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles
on their faces. The coroner calls the police to ask them what
happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector, "The first body is a 72 year old
Frenchman. He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence
the enormous smile."

"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a thousand
dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol
poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy
Pelosi, Speaker of the House, age 66, struck by lightning."

"Why is she smiling then," inquires the Inspector.

"She thought she was having her picture taken!"
  #17  
Old 05-09-2007, 04:19 PM
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FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO ACHIEVE A HAPPIER LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time
to time, cleans and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to
you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be
with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
  #18  
Old 05-12-2007, 11:41 AM
ldjessup ldjessup is offline
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U.S. Navy Chief Petty Officer Saves The Life of an Air Force LtCol During
Horse-Back Riding Mishap

Yet another unselfish act of heroism performed by a man wearing Anchors:

An Air Force LtCol decides to try horseback riding, even though he has
had no lessons or prior experience. He mounts the horse, unassisted, and
the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at a
steady and rhythmic pace, the LtCol begins to slip from the saddle. In
terror, he grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm grip. He
tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the
side of the horse anyway!

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its' slipping rider.
Finally, losing his frail grip, the LtCol attempts to leap away from the
horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot becomes
entangled in the stirrup, and he is now at the mercy of the horse's
pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over
and over.

As his head is battered against the ground and he is mere moments away
from unconsciousness, to his great fortune, a Navy Chief shopping at
Wal-Mart, sees him and quickly unplugs the horse.
  #19  
Old 05-12-2007, 11:43 AM
ldjessup ldjessup is offline
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A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.
  #20  
Old 05-12-2007, 09:27 PM
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Perfect Diet


A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice
of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines.

"Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.

It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my
appetite."

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something.
"A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines.

"The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.

"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or
maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again.

"No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra....I'm still not hungry."

Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
  #21  
Old 05-20-2007, 08:56 AM
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Default Re: Chuckle Of The Day

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
facelift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make
the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43
years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"



(You'll love this!!!)



God replied: "I didn't recognize you."
  #22  
Old 05-21-2007, 08:54 AM
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Wife vs Husband

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted
to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and
pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws
  #23  
Old 05-21-2007, 05:28 PM
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Default Re: Chuckle Of The Day

Medicare in a Nutshell

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a
biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain
which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or
terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your
husbands."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests
one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't
sleep with him."
  #24  
Old 05-23-2007, 09:17 AM
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Default Re: Chuckle Of The Day

At a nursing home in the N.J, Seaside, a group of Senior
Citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments:
"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,"
said one.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my
coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,"
said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,".... another went on.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced
an old man as he slowly shook his head. Then there was a
short moment of silence.

"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully.
"Thank God we can all still drive."

"And maybe fly helicopters!" ;D
  #25  
Old 05-23-2007, 09:26 AM
Donna Donna is offline
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Default Re: Chuckle Of The Day

:bigthumbsup:
  #26  
Old 05-23-2007, 09:02 PM
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Donna glad to see you've got a sense of humor.
  #27  
Old 05-23-2007, 09:05 PM
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Gambling Blonde. . .>

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very
attractive blonde woman from Alabama arrived.. and bet
twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I
play topless." With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the
dice; and yelled, "Come on, baby.... Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down...
and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers... and then picked up her winnings
and her clothes, and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them
asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

Moral ---

Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But, all men... are men.
  #28  
Old 05-24-2007, 07:27 AM
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Default Re: Chuckle Of The Day

gryoung....I knew what you were doing..I thought it was cute!! 8)
  #29  
Old 05-24-2007, 11:20 AM
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MURPHY'S NEW LAWS

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
  #30  
Old 05-24-2007, 05:58 PM
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[color=navy]Growing Old Together

A couple in their nineties, are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a
Bowl of ice cream?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so
you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd
like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down,
so's not to forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a
bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream.
I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated,
he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream
with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!

Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and
Hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast ?"
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