[REDCART]

Snow parking

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Leroy and his wife, Carol, hear the announcer say, 'We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.' Carol goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says,' We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.' Carol goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says' We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park... Then the electric power goes out. Carol is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, 'Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?'

With the love and understanding in his voice, like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Leroy says, 'Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?

[renielarson]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

P. S. I was just admitted.

[REDCART]

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the ot hers only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and... one of Ken's Friends."

[nONIE]

Brightspot,

Gotta tell me, Is that new picture you???? All these new pictures are driving me crazy!! Please please tell me! : :bow:

[logdog]

On Marriage and Women...

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
--David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
--Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
--Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
--Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
--Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
--Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
--Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
--Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
--Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
--James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
--Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
--Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
--Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
--Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
--Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
--Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
--Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
--Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

[REDCART]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."


The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[REDCART]

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn
't gift giving, it's the white people's version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did
you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're
a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be
in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security
crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge
*******.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is
supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's
called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the
reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea
wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After
I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or
just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I
just want to wash my hands

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27
months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't
really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays
better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every
available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do
you want fries with that?'

[REDCART]

To all Employees:

Effective January 2008


Dress Code

1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your
salary.


If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a pay raise.



Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.



Holiday Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.



Compassionate Leave

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.

In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral
should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.



Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a
strict three-minute time limit in the cubicles.

At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper
roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will
be taken.

After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the
company notice board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the
company's mental health policy.



Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more so
that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal
to maintain their average figure.

Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

[gonzy]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years." :joke:

[nONIE]

This one had me laughing so hard my hubby called upstairs to see if Im ok!!!!! 1rnfl

[gonzy]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”

[REDCART]

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddy bikers who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Dallas, TX.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud says, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing. Then the phone rings. It's Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

Jim says, "Yeah, well there's just one thing."

Bud asks, "What's that?"

Jim asks, "Have you farted yet?"

Bud says, "No."

Jim says, "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver

[Donna]

gryoung..

That is too funny..

I have to get a copy for the Helicopter Flight School...They will get a kick out of it..

[REDCART]

Many of us (those over 40, WAY over 40 or hovering near 40) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5 Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A bellybutton ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least . . . my personal favorite:
13. Thongs and Depends

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

[Donna]