[chuckinca]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Have your
parents tell you a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell
their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Marg. She was a
pilot
In Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over
enemy
Territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol
and a
Survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it
wouldn't
Break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of
twenty enemy
Troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of
bullets,
Killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then
she
Killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Hea vens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral
did
your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the f*** away from Aunt Marg when she's drinking."

[chuckinca]

FATHER/DAUGHTER TALK

A young woman was about to finish her first year of
college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a
very
liberal Democrat, and was very much in favor of the redistribution of
wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican,
a
feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had
participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that
her
father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he
thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes
on
the rich and the addition of more government welfare programs. The
self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the
truth
and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was
doing
in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and
let
him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a
very
difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no
time to
go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time
for a
boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent
all
her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey
doing?" She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are
easy
classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so
popular
on campus, college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the
parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because
she's too hung over."

Her father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office
and
ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only
has
a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be
a
fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired
back, "That wouldn't be fair! I have worked really hard for my grades!
I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done
next to
nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off !"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently,

"Welcome to the Republican Party."

[REDCART]

A young Indian man excitedly tells his mother
he's fallen in love and that he is going to get
married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going
to bring over 3 women and you observe and
guesswhich one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees. The next day, he brings
three beautiful women into the house and sits
them down on the couch and they chat for
a while. He then says, "Okay Ma, guess which
one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies,
"The one on the right."


"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
The Indian mother replies, "I don't like her."

[schotzyb]

> Subject: retired people
>
>
>
>
> Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a
shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was a cop
writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a
retired person a break'? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I
called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn
tires. So I called him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second
ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third
ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The mo re I abused him the more
tickets he wrote.
>
> Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he
was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, 'Hillary in '08.'I
try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my
health.

[REDCART]

Hillary Clinton called Bill into her office one day and said, "Bill, I have a great idea. I know how we can win back middle America and secure my presidential victory in 2008".

"Great, but how do you propose we go about that?" asked Bill.

"Well", Hillary responds, "We'll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some cheesy clothes and shoes like most middle Americans wear, and then we'll stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador . When we look the part we'll go to a nice old country bar in middle America, and we'll show them that we really enjoy the countryside and show admiration and respect for the hard working people living there."

A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from New York in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for. With dog in tow they walk into the bar. They step up to the bar and the bartender takes a step back and says, "Aren't you Bill and Hillary Clinton?"

Hillary answers, "Yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We were just passing through and Bill suggested that we stop and take in some local color." They then order a couple of cocktails from the bartender and proceed to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

All of a sudden, the bar room door opens and a grizzled old farmer comes in. He walks up to the Labrador, lifts its tail and looks underneath, shrugs his shoulders and walks out the door.

A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walks up to the dog, lifts its tail, looks underneath, scratches his head, and then leaves the bar. Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled. Eventually Hillary and Bill could stand it no longer and called the bartender over, "Tell me", said Hillary, "Why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some sort of old custom?"

"No," said the bartender. "It's just that someone told them that there was a Labrador in here with two arseholes."

[DickY]

Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of
the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America ......do people order
double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America ......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America ......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[REDCART]

7 kinds of Sex
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet
someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for
a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even
in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for
a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex
only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for
too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say
'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in
the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more.
She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month. But, not enough to
enjoy yourself.

[l2ridehd]

A man and his wife were out on the golf course on a beautiful day. They were having a great round of golf, when on the tenth hole she asks him:

"If I die, will you get married again"? ......... " I don't know, why are you asking that? Its a beautiful day, just play golf".

"No seriously she says, do you think you would get married again"? ..... "I don't know, I might, a lot would depend, just play would you".

So they play along and two holes later, she asks: " well if you did marry again, would she live in our house"? ...... "How should I know, maybe, kind of dumb to buy a new house, stop with the crazy questions and play golf".

On the next hole: "Well, if she lives in our house, would she sleep in our bed"? ........ "No, I wouldn't do that, come on with all the questions, just play".


She is getting ready to put on the last hole and looks at him : "Would you let her use my golf clubs"? ........ "No, she is left handed".

[Barefoot]

Moving to Nevada


A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks: "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies: "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year".

[Barefoot]

BLESSED CANADA

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats, and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really," replied God "just wait and see the winters I am going to give them."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And now you know why Canadian Snowbirds buy houses in The Villages. :bigthumbsup:

[Hancle704]

Pays to be honest


Man robs a bank and takes hostages. He asks the first hostage if he saw him rob the bank.



Hostage answers yes. Robber shoots him in the head.



Asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank. Hostage answers no, but my wife did.

[REDCART]

POLITICALLY CORRECT!!.......and very timely!

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the senator.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says.......

'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.'

[l2ridehd]

FAST EDDIE


Eddie wanted desperately to make love with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.....but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you." The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!" Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boy friend...so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepted the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened??

Still breathing hard, she manages to reply, "The bas***d had all quarters!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

[REDCART]

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells
Luther, 'Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this
year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took
your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene
got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas ,and Earlene got
pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant
again.'

Luther asks Billy Bob, 'So, what you gonna do this year that's
different?'

Billy Bob says, 'This year I'm taking Earlene with me.'

[REDCART]

In Marriage, it's all about communication!

http://www.smwa.net/downloads/funny/rake_bush4.swf

This is classic... click on this...