Demystifying the Colonoscopy Procedure - Hilarious

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  #1  
Old 01-31-2015, 01:40 PM
Living a Fantasy Living a Fantasy is offline
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Default Demystifying the Colonoscopy Procedure - Hilarious

Subject: Re: THE PULITZER COLONOSCOPY


I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven .I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy? How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me rollover on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

======================

On the subjectof Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. Take it easyDoc. Youre boldly going where no man has gone before.



2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'



3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'



4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'



5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'



6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'



7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'



8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'



9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'



10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'



11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'



12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'



And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'



  #2  
Old 01-31-2015, 02:37 PM
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Way too funny, having been there and done that...............especially liked the description of the prep, oh so accurate.............

Thanks for the humor.
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  #3  
Old 01-31-2015, 02:58 PM
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Liked the story a lot except for the part about Minneapolis since I moved down from there to here 8 years ago

On the serious side and I know a little something about colonoscopies Moviprep is nasty stuff and it also can be eliminated (pun intended) simply by objecting. that suff literally gags me and I have never been able to consume it all. So the solution is to decline whereupon the doc will recommend an alternative.

What one doc told me in the beginning when I wanted to add flavor to the moviprep is don't add anything with SUGAR. why because if a spark is created during this procedure you and the doc may end up all away across the room
BOOM
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Old 01-31-2015, 03:09 PM
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(Written by Dave Barry, then of the Miami Herald)
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Old 01-31-2015, 03:12 PM
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Thanks, that was hilarious. Now I know about the fun I've been missing.

I would like to read the book "Death by Colonoscopy" but haven't found a copy yet.

Here's a link to some information you might find interesting:

http://gutsense.org/crc/crc_side_effects.html
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Old 01-31-2015, 03:31 PM
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That is a riot!!!

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  #7  
Old 01-31-2015, 04:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rubicon View Post
Moviprep is nasty stuff and it also can be eliminated (pun intended) simply by objecting. that suff literally gags me and I have never been able to consume it all. So the solution is to decline whereupon the doc will recommend an alternative.
BOOM
What is the alternative??????? Hopefully a pill? I had Moviprep and threw up part of it.
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  #8  
Old 01-31-2015, 05:37 PM
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I hope they have the new camera pill for the next one..............
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Old 01-31-2015, 07:45 PM
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The best alternative is probably a new test called cologuard. No prep or special diet. Just do what comes naturally and send it for DNA analysis.
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Old 02-01-2015, 04:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Hoosierb4 View Post
The best alternative is probably a new test called cologuard. No prep or special diet. Just do what comes naturally and send it for DNA analysis.
This sound a hell of a lot better. Who does this and is it as effective as the old method? Reason I ask is last time, about 12 years ago I had it done I suffered with hunger and throwing up the liquid. Now while living here my GP keeps asking me when did I last have it done and I keep telling her 8 years ago knowing they want one every 10 years.
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  #11  
Old 02-01-2015, 04:38 PM
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The test is done by a company called Exact Sciences. They developed it working with Mayo Clinic. Medicare will cover it. Most insurance companies not yet unless as a Medicare supplement, but all will probably cover it by the end of the year. Just Google "cologuard" and it will come up. Their website has a list of doctors who will prescribe it. I went through the prep for a colonoscopy about 8 years ago and didn't like it. The description in the opening post is pretty accurate. Funny now, but not at the time.
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Old 02-01-2015, 05:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Living a Fantasy View Post
Subject: Re: THE PULITZER COLONOSCOPY


I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven .I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy? How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me rollover on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

======================

On the subjectof Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. Take it easyDoc. Youre boldly going where no man has gone before.



2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'



3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'



4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'



5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'



6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'



7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'



8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'



9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'



10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'



11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'



12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'



And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'



# 13 is a riot thanks for posting.
  #13  
Old 02-01-2015, 05:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hoosierb4 View Post
The test is done by a company called Exact Sciences. They developed it working with Mayo Clinic. Medicare will cover it. Most insurance companies not yet unless as a Medicare supplement, but all will probably cover it by the end of the year. Just Google "cologuard" and it will come up. Their website has a list of doctors who will prescribe it. I went through the prep for a colonoscopy about 8 years ago and didn't like it. The description in the opening post is pretty accurate. Funny now, but not at the time.
Thanks......I'll keep this info to be sure.
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  #14  
Old 02-02-2015, 10:26 AM
NYGUY NYGUY is offline
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Almost as funny as the OP are posters responding with serious comments to a joke!!
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  #15  
Old 02-02-2015, 11:45 AM
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OMG I have tears rolling down my face. Having been there twice makes it even funnier. The part about the hospital gown . . . Thank you for such a good laugh.
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