[Fredman]

Oldies but goodies

[ColdNoMore]

Originally Posted by Fredman

Oldies but goodies

Yeah, the really funny ones might get me banned.

[Fredman]

A termite walks into a bar tells a patron he just came from the dentist and had several teeth pulled and then says is the bar tender here

[Taltarzac725]

Originally Posted by chuck90199

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with another man, and then my dog bit me. I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.”

“So,” I continued, “I buy a drink, drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!”

"But, enough about me, how are you doing?"

I needed that today.

If only I could tell the story of the biker gang member I represented while a law student and Student Director of Legal Assistance to Minnesota Prisoners. I cannot because 1. It would not be suitable for this forum and 2. It would probably violate lawyer/client confidentiality even if that was 27 years or so ago and I do not even remember the motorcycle gang or the name of the man.

[rubicon]

Originally Posted by chuck90199

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with another man, and then my dog bit me. I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.”

“So,” I continued, “I buy a drink, drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!”

"But, enough about me, how are you doing?"

Love a joke that sounds like a country song. a recorded country song played backwards the guy doesn't meet a biker and he doesn't get poisoned because he doesn't go to a bar, his dog doesn't bit him, his wife is not in bed with another guy, he doesn't lose his wallet because he doesn't take a cab because his car not stolen his boss doesn't fire him and he's not a loser

[SCasey]

Good stuff! Thanks.

[bbbbbb]

OK, two guys are sitting at a bar and becoming well snockered. A nice looking gal walks by and one of the guys says, " Wow, look at that, maybe I will go talk to her".
The other guy says, "heck, no way, I have more than I can take care of at home right now".
So the other guys says, " OK then let's go to your house".

[Two Bills]

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isnt entirely correct, because sometimes its gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesnt get enough water it turns brown, so that isnt really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isnt really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely **** my pants."

[Two Bills]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them sh1t in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird sh1t."

"It was my first day with the hook."

[Barefoot]

Originally Posted by Two Bills

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them sh1t in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird sh1t."

"It was my first day with the hook."

[dewilson58]

[tedquick]

A guy walks into a bar.

The next guy ducked.

[chuck90199]

A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey. What are you?"
The string replies, "I'm a piece of string."
The bartender says, "Well. You'll have to leave. We don't serve strings in here."
So the string walks out of the bar, ducks around the corner, ruffles up his top end and twists himself into a pretzel shape.
Then, the string goes back into the bar. The bartender says, "Hey. Aren't you that string?"
The string replies, "'Fraid not."