[Cisco Kid]

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

[CFrance]

Originally Posted by Cisco Kid

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

Bada
(Cane extends stage right, snatches Cisco off stage.)

[lovsthosebigdogs]

Two foreign nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"That’s odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excitedly, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their ‘dogs’.

The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part… did you get…?"

[lovsthosebigdogs]

A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash.

The store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and quickly looks away again.

Out of the corner of his eye he sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash. Shocked, the manager runs over and says, "Mister, is there a problem – is there something I can help you with?" The blind man calmly replies, "No thanks – I’m just looking around."

[lovsthosebigdogs]

A guy was driving around the back woods of Kentucky and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog for Sale’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. ‘You talk?’ he asks. ‘Yep,’ the Beagle replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says

‘So, what’s your story?’

The Beagle looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services… the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is ‘The Devil Dogs.’

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.

I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.

‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’

‘Because he’s such a liar… He never did any of that stuff.

He was in the Navy!’

[lovsthosebigdogs]

So glad you started this thread, Swimdawg. I really like it when we aren't all angry and posting negative things at each other. This is so much more fun. Thanks. )

[skyguy79]

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

[Ecuadog]

A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next show. He stopped at a farmhouse and approached the farmer who lived there.

"Hello there, Mr. Farmer, I was just passing by and I was wondering if I might speak to your dog." The farmer replied, "Well, you know, dogs don't talk." The ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a dog might tell you. Can I speak with him?"

The farmer, eyeing the ventriloquist suspiciously, called his dog. "Hi there, Mr. dog," said the ventriloquist. "How does the farmer treat you?" To which the dog replied, "Oh, he's great! He throws a stick for me, scratches my belly, and I just love him!!" Needless to say, the farmer was dumbfounded.

Wanting to see if he could fool the farmer again, the ventriloquist asked if he could speak with the farmer's horse. "Well, you know, horses don't talk." Again the ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a horse might tell you."

So the farmer brought out his horse. "Say, Mr. Horse, how does the farmer treat you?" asked the ventriloquist. The horse then replied, "Oh, I think he's great. He feeds me oats, he puts a blanket over me at night, and I just love him!" Again the farmer was amazed.

Wanting to try his luck a third time, the ventriloquist said, "Mr. Farmer, would you like to hear what the sheep has to say about you?"

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "Sheep lie, ya' know."

[Cisco Kid]

Doctor doctor, I think I'm going deaf.

Hmm, what are the symptoms?

Um, they're a yellow cartoon family, but what's that got to do with it?

[salferg]

Thanks for that good laugh, IM IN A
Thanks for that good laugh! I'm in a waiting room full of people and couldn't resist sharing. The whole room full loved it..

[skyguy79]

Originally Posted by Cisco Kid

Doctor doctor, I think I'm going deaf.

Hmm, what are the symptoms?

Um, they're a yellow cartoon family, but what's that got to do with it?

Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking.
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!


Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bridge
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.


Doctor, Doctor my sister thinks she is an elevator!
Well tell her to come in
I can't, she doesn't stop at this floor!


Doctor, Doctor When I press with my finger here... it hurts, and here... it hurts, and here... and here... What do you think is wrong with me?
You have a broken finger!


And...

I told the doctor tht I keep seeing double.
He said "Please sit on the couch."
I asked "which one!"

[swimdawg]

I started this thread and I can't tell you how I needed to read your posts for the past several weeks. But....my life has been topsy turvy and I haven't had a minute to read TOTV. The good news is that things are better at my end and I have a life again! Thanks to all who have kept this thread going.

I am a terrible joke teller....but a friend gave me a calendar with jokes on it. Maybe I'll share....as long as you don't blame me for corny jokes!!!

I wish I could go back and give the Swimdawg Post of the Day Award to many of you who so deserved it!

Carry on, joke tellers!

Karen

[swimdawg]

What did one eye say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells!

----------------------------------------------

(Cisc....your eye is toooo much!)

[swimdawg]

Originally Posted by lovsthosebigdogs

So glad you started this thread, Swimdawg. I really like it when we aren't all angry and posting negative things at each other. This is so much more fun. Thanks. )

Awww......thanks! I agree! I like the FUN posts. I think I mentioned awhile ago, I declared this decade as "The Decade of the Fun".....like the Chinese say "The Year of the Cat, Rat, etc" . Why go with only a year? It's THE DECADE OF THE FUN! Bring it on!

[swimdawg]

Originally Posted by jacktorry

A pirate walks into a bar, with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender says "my goodness sir, you've got a steering wheel in your pants." The pirate says "arrrrrrgh, it's drivin' me nuts!"

I almost spit out my wonderful Tim Horton's coffee on that one!!!