Good one!

Now that is a good one. :popcorn:

Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But this week, I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy, oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year.

He said that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up, and he hasn't called back.



Guess he was embarrassed. :1rotfl:

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.

Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

Mabel answered, "I have a suppository?"

She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said..."Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing."




"Now I think I know where my hearing aid is." :22yikes:

:D

Noisy cruises?

That's funny!

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.” “Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.”
Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?”
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course. A
lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really send me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays.

:22yikes:


:1rotfl:...:1rotfl:...:1rotfl:

This one hit my funny bone. :D

I may use this as my new closing:

60 may be the new 40, but 9 PM is the new Midnight:1rotfl::1rotfl::1rotfl:

Due to advanced age, those "rolling the rugs up"...start at 8:00PM. :D

A hooded robber burst into a Wisconsin bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Wisconsin customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.
The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak

Then, one old Norwegian named Ole from Wisconsin tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."

Haha -- Now that's a good one.

And Ole joke. I heard an awful lot of those up in Minnesota or from people who lived in MN or WI.

A Doctor while examining an old retired Army vet, "when was the last time you had sex?"

With a long pause the vet replies."1955 I believe"

Doctor: "Whoa! Its been a long while then?"





Vet: "Umm, I don't know...isn't it only 20:15 right now?


:D

I know a few non-laywers this applies to...LOL
 

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.”

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.

His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.






“Oh, that old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.” :D

I was eating breakfast with my teenage granddaughter and I asked her,
"What special day is it tomorrow?".

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's U.S. Congressman's Day!"

She's smart, so I asked her "What does that mean?".

I was not ready for what she was about to say.

She replied, "U.S. Congressman's Day is when they step out of the Capital Building and see their shadow, then we have 4 more years of Bull ****."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out of your nose.

I guess we have to wish for a very rainy day when that happens.

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"

The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?"

The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. "


The moral of the story is:

When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great.

But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.

This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter.

Dedicated to all my friends who like me...likes the S.O.S. approach! ✈️

Funny funny, oh sorry, that was a mortgage claim ad, giggle snort!!!!! Hahahahaha!

Two old women in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, "How do you really feel? I mean, you’re 80 years old, how do you honestly feel?"

"Honestly, I feel like a new born baby."





"I’ve got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself."


:1rotfl:

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.:ho:

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

:bigbow:

Good one!

Love the ending. I wasn't expecting that!
:clap2:

Advice from Famous Mothers
 

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? No!

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew.

COLUMBUS'S MOTHER: I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You could have written.

BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: Babe, how many times have I told you: quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week.

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?

MARY'S MOTHER: I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.

BATMAN'S MOTHER: It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realise how much the insurance is going to be?

GOLDILOCKS'S MOTHER: I've got a bill here for a broken chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?

LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room there'll be a lot more spiders around here.

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!

JONAH'S MOTHER: That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days.

SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Call him whatever you want but he's not gonna come!

Ten (10) Things I know about you.
1) You are reading this.
2) You are human.
3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.
4) You just attempted to do it. You are an idiot!
6) You are laughing at yourself.
7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.
8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5!!
9) You laugh at this because you are a fun-loving person, and everyone does it too.
10) You do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.

Well, thank goodness. I am normal! Just did exactly what you said.

:-)

The 2.99 Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.

'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'Yes,' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!

We've been around the block more than once.

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"

The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY”.

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter . . . . .

..."Well, ****, that explains why no one was at church either.”

Good one, Bare

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

OH SNAP! :1rotfl: ...:1rotfl:

Here's your answer.

:BigApplause: