Talk of The Villages Florida

Talk of The Villages Florida (https://www.talkofthevillages.com/forums/)
-   Just For Fun (https://www.talkofthevillages.com/forums/just-fun-109/)
-   -   The Joke Thread (https://www.talkofthevillages.com/forums/just-fun-109/joke-thread-259747/)

ColdNoMore 05-02-2018 08:15 AM

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.




It got so bad, I finally I had to...take his bike away.

ColdNoMore 05-02-2018 08:20 AM

Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.”

The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”

Man: “And that frees me from my sin?”




Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.”

tomwed 05-02-2018 10:56 AM

How do whales cry? blubber, blubber, blubber

ColdNoMore 05-02-2018 11:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tomwed (Post 1539280)
How do whales cry? blubber, blubber, blubber.

I know of some folks, to which that applies...perfectly!! :1rotfl:

aninjamom 05-02-2018 12:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ColdNoMore (Post 1529796)
The grumpy Navy Master Chief saw a new face and shouted at him, “Come here! What’s your name, sailor?”

“James,” the new seaman answered.

“Listen carefully sailor, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It their last names only; Carter,Davidson,Cooper, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Master Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?”

“Aye, Aye, Master Chief!”

“Now,what’s your last name?”

The sailor sighed. “Darling, My name is James Darling, Master Chief.”



“Okay,James, here’s what I want you to do…

I actually had a Graphics Arts teacher in high school named Mr. Darling. Everybody called him "Mr. D".

ColdNoMore 05-03-2018 08:03 AM

One for The Villages restaurant critics.
 
Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roastbeef. Please call the manager! “



Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”

CFrance 05-03-2018 09:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ColdNoMore (Post 1539629)
Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roastbeef. Please call the manager! “



Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”

Ha ha! The guest might have been a Villager.:a20:

ColdNoMore 05-04-2018 05:51 PM

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!




Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)



:1rotfl:

Bjeanj 05-04-2018 08:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ColdNoMore (Post 1540177)
Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!




Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)



:1rotfl:

Oh, man! That’s pretty funny!

ColdNoMore 05-05-2018 10:31 PM

A man wakes from a coma. The wife changes out of her black clothes and irritated, remarks,...


... "I really cannot depend on you for anything, can I?!"

ColdNoMore 05-06-2018 03:09 PM

A sandwich walks into a bar.



The bartender says, "sorry...we don't serve food in here."

Mrs. Robinson 05-07-2018 03:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ColdNoMore (Post 1540805)
A sandwich walks into a bar.



The bartender says, "sorry...we don't serve food in here."

Gulp!
:1rotfl:

Taltarzac725 05-07-2018 06:45 AM

The Awesome Power of a Wife's Love.
 
Quote:

The awesome power of a wife's love
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.
Something I shared in 2015 on Facebook that just came back. This is from the same date back in 2015. I might have put it up on Talk of the Villages back then as well.

ColdNoMore 05-07-2018 06:19 PM

"I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time."


"So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."

ColdNoMore 05-08-2018 10:19 AM

How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say the f-word?



Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell...




...BINGO!







:1rotfl:

CFrance 05-08-2018 10:52 AM

You're on a roll with the one-liners, CNM!:clap2:

ColdNoMore 05-09-2018 06:58 PM

An oldie...but goodie.
 
After a particularly poor round, a golfer spotted a lake as he walked despondently up the 18th.

He looked at his caddie and said, “I’ve played so badly all day, I think I’m going to drown myself in that lake.”




The caddie, quick as a flash, replied, “I’m not sure you could keep your head down that long.”

ColdNoMore 05-10-2018 05:35 PM

What do you have when you're holding two small green balls...in the palm of your hand?




Answer: Kermit's undivided attention.





Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.
:1rotfl:

tomwed 05-10-2018 07:30 PM

This is not everyone's cup of tea. It's a 1956 radio comedy show of Bob and Ray. It does give you a look back in time before malls and computers.

Bob & Ray’s 40-year career began at WHDH, Boston. Bob was a disc jockey, and Ray a newscaster. When the Red Sox games were delayed on account of rain, they began to amuse each other to fill the time. Soon they had a daily show of their own, “Matinee with Bob & Ray,” an improvised, madcap exercise in controlled chaos. Over their long career, they created more than a hundred characters, all played by Bob or Ray. Wally Ballou, the hapless journalist, Mary McGoon, whose recipe for frozen ginger ale salad prefigures Martha Stewart; Biff Burns in the sports room, Webley Webster, Barry Campbell, a third rate actor with an ego the size of the universe, Mary Backstayge, Noble Wife whose pals travel the world in search of goofy adventure.

Their humor is subtle, dry, intelligent and clean. Bob & Ray have a keen ear for language, how it is used and misused by the con artists, hucksters and hustlers who populate radio and television. Their humor is timeless. Bob & Ray ‘s satire of soap operas, game shows, radio shrinks and other self-appointed “experts,” and commercials, is as pertinent today as it was in 1946. They belong in the pantheon of American humor, alongside Mark Twain, George Ade, Will Rogers, and S. J. Pearlman.

Bob And Ray November 20 1956 : Incognito : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive


There is more then one show if you scroll down.

ColdNoMore 05-12-2018 09:16 AM

Two elephants meet a totally naked guy.


After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”

tomwed 05-12-2018 09:17 AM

Why is my laptop such a great singer? It's A DELL

ColdNoMore 05-12-2018 09:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tomwed (Post 1542940)
Why is my laptop such a great singer? It's A DELL

So, do you Cher with others?

tomwed 05-12-2018 09:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ColdNoMore (Post 1542941)
So, do you Cher with others?

Strictly solow, my speaker is broken

ColdNoMore 05-12-2018 10:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tomwed (Post 1542949)
Strictly solow, my speaker is broken

Maybe Beatles have eaten the wiring?

bilcon 05-12-2018 11:07 AM

Old Freddie is on his death bed and is surrounded by his wife and two children and a nurse. He asks for 2 witnesses and a video camera so he can convey his last wishes. He tells his son to take the three beach houses, he tells his daughter to take the three condos on the beach, and he tells his wife to take the office buildings around the court house and then he dies. The nurse says to his wife, WOW I didn't know Freddie was that rich. His wife answers: He wasn't rich, he had a paper route.

ColdNoMore 05-12-2018 11:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bilcon (Post 1542972)
Old Freddie is on his death bed and is surrounded by his wife and two children and a nurse. He asks for 2 witnesses and a video camera so he can convey his last wishes. He tells his son to take the three beach houses, he tells his daughter to take the three condos on the beach, and he tells his wife to take the office buildings around the court house and then he dies. The nurse says to his wife, WOW I didn't know Freddie was that rich. His wife answers: He wasn't rich, he had a paper route.

:1rotfl:


A long time friend and I have our birthday's two days apart, so for 25+ years we celebrated together...by going out to dinner.

One year he brought a neighbor couple of his, but they had to leave before dessert.

When asked why they had to leave early, my buddy's wife said... "he cheated on his wife, got the other woman pregnant and now has a second job distributing newspapers early (around 3:00AM)...to pay the child support." :22yikes:

ColdNoMore 05-13-2018 09:22 PM

A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says,



"What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

ColdNoMore 05-14-2018 05:57 AM

A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he sees.

The patient says: "A man and woman making love."

The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: "That's also a man and woman making love."

The psychoanalyst says: "You are obsessed with sex."



The patient says: "What do you mean I am obsessed? You are the one with all the dirty pictures.''

ColdNoMore 05-15-2018 05:09 AM

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."



"Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

Taltarzac725 05-15-2018 07:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ColdNoMore (Post 1543376)
A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says,



"What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

Belongs on the Three Word Sentence thread. We are all about lobster and igloos at the moment.

ColdNoMore 05-16-2018 08:03 PM

1 Attachment(s)
Very appropriate around here. :1rotfl:

ColdNoMore 05-18-2018 05:30 AM

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer replies, "In the region of $175,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"



The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Mrs. Robinson 05-18-2018 06:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ColdNoMore (Post 1544374)
Very appropriate around here. :1rotfl:

This one absolutely wins the prize!!!
:thumbup:

ColdNoMore 05-19-2018 10:09 AM

A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books. The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made.

Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement.







They ask him what is wrong and he says "the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!"




:1rotfl:

600th Photo Sq 05-19-2018 02:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ColdNoMore (Post 1544719)
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer replies, "In the region of $175,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"



The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Now that is a very good joke ...unlike most posted here.

CFrance 05-19-2018 02:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 600th Photo Sq (Post 1545247)

Now that is a very good joke ...unlike most posted here.

Every joke is an attempt to lighten people's day.

ColdNoMore 05-19-2018 02:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CFrance (Post 1545261)
Every joke is an attempt to lighten people's day.

Exactly. :thumbup:

The beauty of this site (and pretty much every single internet site for that matter), is that we don't have to click on any particular thread/forum/story...and no one is making us read them. :ohdear:

If I don't like a thread, I simply don't subscribe...or make any comments in it. :oops:

Then again, it's pretty obvious that.... :D

Bjeanj 05-19-2018 04:01 PM

An assassin approaches Donald Trump and is aiming his gun. At the last moment, a brand new secret service agent yells “Mickey Mouse!”

Unnerved, the assassin is captured.

Later, the secret service supervisor asks the agent, “what made you yell Mickey Mouse”?

Blushing, the agent says “I got nervous. I meant to yell “Donald, duck!”

P.S. Thanks to my granddaughter for this one.

ColdNoMore 05-19-2018 04:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bjeanj (Post 1545286)
An assassin approaches Donald Trump and is aiming his gun. At the last moment, a brand new secret service agent yells “Mickey Mouse!”

Unnerved, the assassin is captured.

Later, the secret service supervisor asks the agent, “what made you yell Mickey Mouse”?

Blushing, the agent says “I got nervous. I meant to yell “Donald, duck!”

P.S. Thanks to my granddaughter for this one.

You have an awesome granddaughter. :1rotfl:

ColdNoMore 05-20-2018 11:10 AM

I was in my car driving back from work.

A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window.



I said, "One minute I'm on the phone." - Alan Carr


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