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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
It got so bad, I finally I had to...take his bike away. |
Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.”
The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.” Man: “And that frees me from my sin?” Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.” |
How do whales cry? blubber, blubber, blubber
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One for The Villages restaurant critics.
Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roastbeef. Please call the manager! “
Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.” |
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Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck! Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing) :1rotfl: |
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A man wakes from a coma. The wife changes out of her black clothes and irritated, remarks,...
... "I really cannot depend on you for anything, can I?!" |
A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "sorry...we don't serve food in here." |
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The Awesome Power of a Wife's Love.
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"I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time."
"So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance." |
How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say the f-word?
Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell... ...BINGO! :1rotfl: |
You're on a roll with the one-liners, CNM!:clap2:
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An oldie...but goodie.
After a particularly poor round, a golfer spotted a lake as he walked despondently up the 18th.
He looked at his caddie and said, “I’ve played so badly all day, I think I’m going to drown myself in that lake.” The caddie, quick as a flash, replied, “I’m not sure you could keep your head down that long.” |
What do you have when you're holding two small green balls...in the palm of your hand?
Answer: Kermit's undivided attention. Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck. :1rotfl: |
This is not everyone's cup of tea. It's a 1956 radio comedy show of Bob and Ray. It does give you a look back in time before malls and computers.
Bob & Ray’s 40-year career began at WHDH, Boston. Bob was a disc jockey, and Ray a newscaster. When the Red Sox games were delayed on account of rain, they began to amuse each other to fill the time. Soon they had a daily show of their own, “Matinee with Bob & Ray,” an improvised, madcap exercise in controlled chaos. Over their long career, they created more than a hundred characters, all played by Bob or Ray. Wally Ballou, the hapless journalist, Mary McGoon, whose recipe for frozen ginger ale salad prefigures Martha Stewart; Biff Burns in the sports room, Webley Webster, Barry Campbell, a third rate actor with an ego the size of the universe, Mary Backstayge, Noble Wife whose pals travel the world in search of goofy adventure. Their humor is subtle, dry, intelligent and clean. Bob & Ray have a keen ear for language, how it is used and misused by the con artists, hucksters and hustlers who populate radio and television. Their humor is timeless. Bob & Ray ‘s satire of soap operas, game shows, radio shrinks and other self-appointed “experts,” and commercials, is as pertinent today as it was in 1946. They belong in the pantheon of American humor, alongside Mark Twain, George Ade, Will Rogers, and S. J. Pearlman. Bob And Ray November 20 1956 : Incognito : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive There is more then one show if you scroll down. |
Two elephants meet a totally naked guy.
After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!” |
Why is my laptop such a great singer? It's A DELL
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Old Freddie is on his death bed and is surrounded by his wife and two children and a nurse. He asks for 2 witnesses and a video camera so he can convey his last wishes. He tells his son to take the three beach houses, he tells his daughter to take the three condos on the beach, and he tells his wife to take the office buildings around the court house and then he dies. The nurse says to his wife, WOW I didn't know Freddie was that rich. His wife answers: He wasn't rich, he had a paper route.
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A long time friend and I have our birthday's two days apart, so for 25+ years we celebrated together...by going out to dinner. One year he brought a neighbor couple of his, but they had to leave before dessert. When asked why they had to leave early, my buddy's wife said... "he cheated on his wife, got the other woman pregnant and now has a second job distributing newspapers early (around 3:00AM)...to pay the child support." :22yikes: |
A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?" |
A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he sees.
The patient says: "A man and woman making love." The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: "That's also a man and woman making love." The psychoanalyst says: "You are obsessed with sex." The patient says: "What do you mean I am obsessed? You are the one with all the dirty pictures.'' |
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that. About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
"Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway." |
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Very appropriate around here. :1rotfl:
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Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"
The engineer replies, "In the region of $175,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it." |
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This one absolutely wins the prize!!! :thumbup: |
A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books. The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made.
Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says "the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!" :1rotfl: |
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The beauty of this site (and pretty much every single internet site for that matter), is that we don't have to click on any particular thread/forum/story...and no one is making us read them. :ohdear: If I don't like a thread, I simply don't subscribe...or make any comments in it. :oops: Then again, it's pretty obvious that.... :D |
An assassin approaches Donald Trump and is aiming his gun. At the last moment, a brand new secret service agent yells “Mickey Mouse!”
Unnerved, the assassin is captured. Later, the secret service supervisor asks the agent, “what made you yell Mickey Mouse”? Blushing, the agent says “I got nervous. I meant to yell “Donald, duck!” P.S. Thanks to my granddaughter for this one. |
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I was in my car driving back from work.
A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, "One minute I'm on the phone." - Alan Carr |
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