This reminds me of an old joke---This older gentleman is leaning against the bar and a younger woman passing by pauses and whispers in his ear----Would you like to have some super sex? And he says "I'll have the soup"

Sounds like my life of late. It has turned into a Woody Allen movie.

For gearheads
 

That sounds like something I have heard before but cannot remember the comedian. Phyliss Diller and Fang maybe?.

My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Sarah? Do you think you’ll be next?”




This doesn't happen anymore...once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.



:1rotfl:

I use to live in a foggy place. One day it was so foggy my dog had to back up to bark.

Paddy had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick’s Day.

Mick, the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’

Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

‘Damn’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, ‘oh bloody damn!’

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

‘Be-Jesus… I’m in bloody trouble,’ he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says ‘No bloody way....’

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed’. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘damn it’ and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’

Paddy says, ‘I did, Jess. I was bloody ****ed. But how did you know?’

‘Mick phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.’

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"






The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

:1rotfl:

Two great ones. Thanks, zmarkp and ColdNoMore.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me...'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, 'University of Oklahoma.'

And they make fun of blondes...


:1rotfl:

What goes bang, bang, klip, klop, bang, bang, clip, clop?
A drive bye shooting in the Amish Country
[old joke]

WIFE: Shall we try a different position tonight?
HUSBAND: Excellent idea.
WIFE: Ok, you stand at the sink and wash the dishes and I will lie on the sofa and watch TV.

:22yikes:


:1rotfl:

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.



Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

:o

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets." "We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce."

"My husband does."





"He said he can't communicate with me!"

:1rotfl:

:girlneener:

And one for the ladies... :D


Lisa needs brain surgery and figures its easier to buy a new brain.

She asks the doctor what he has on sale.

"Well you're in luck I have two in stock, a man's brain for $1000, and a woman's for $100."

Surprised she asks why the price difference?




"Generally women brains run cheaper...because they come to us used!"

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away.

As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies.

They have another funeral for her.

At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.






As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

:throwtomatoes:

:BigApplause:

[an old favorite of mine]
A woman is being sentenced for steeling a jar of pickles. The judge says "I'm giving you 7 weeks. One for each pickle in the jar."
From the gallery her husband speaks up. "She stole a can of peas too."

"Take my wife, please." Take My Wife, Please! | Psychology Today

I just remembered I got it wrong----look it up----the husband is on trial.

either way---the first time i heard the joke i didn't see it coming--that's what makes me laugh

9 months later!!!

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said.. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend...
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." Said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, I have to admit that I did.."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... You know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

Not that there's anything wrong with that....
 

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender, "set up 10 shots of whiskey."

The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.

The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"

The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.

Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"





The man looks up and says... "Apparently my wife does."

I smiled. :D

So bad...it's kinda funny.
 

DEAR NEIGHBOR

Hi, Fred, this is Richard, next door.

I’ve got a confession to make. I’ve been riddled w/guilt for a few months & have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I’m telling you in this text, & I can’t live w/myself a minute longer w/o your knowing about this. The truth is that, when you’re not around, I’ve been sharing your wife, day & night. In fact, probably much more than you.

I haven’t been getting it at home recently, & I know... that’s no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can’t live w/the guilt & hope you’ll accept my sincere apology & forgive me.

Please suggest a fee for usage & I’ll pay you.

Regards, Richard



*NEIGHBOR’S RESPONSE: *Fred, feeling very angry & betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, & shot Richard, killing him. He went back home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink & sat down on the sofa. Fred then looked at his phone & discovered a 2nd text message from Richard.


2ND TEXT MESSAGE:

Hi, Fred. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out & noticed that the darned Auto-Correct had changed “wi-fi” to “wife.” Technology, huh? It’ll be the death of us all.

Regards, Richard

hokey pokey
 

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around!

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

"Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.

“We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.






"Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.
Conscious of his new position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."
Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook-up your telephone."