small town
 

"A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. ""But officer."" the man began, ""I can explain,"".
""Just be quiet,"" snapped the officer. ""I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back...""
""But officer, I just wanted to say...."" ""And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!""
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, ""Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."" ""Don't count on it,"" answered the fellow in the cell. ""I'm the groom."" "

A Little Poem
 

I Hate Men!

I hate men because they take me into alleys, bedrooms and dances.

The press me and feel me all over with their hands.

After they get me hot, they hold me to their lips and drag the life out of me.

After they get what they want, they throw me aside, then I'm only good enough for the tramps.

Why should they take advantage of my weak, slender, white body??

After all-------I'm only a-------cigarette...…..

What would Bears become without Bees?




Ears.



(so dumb...I found it funny) :D

I can totally relate.
 

By now, there should be a machine that you just back up for like a second— zap.

That should be it. There should be no embarrassing bending over at the doctor's office in this day and age.

We're in the age of laser eye surgery.

Laser eye surgery!

They perform surgery on your eye with a laser.

Prostate exam?





Finger in the *ss.


:1rotfl:

If a husband hikes in the woods. voices his opinion and nobody hears him, is he still wrong?

If he wants to have a very nice night, yes.

“If you arrive fashionably late in Crocs, you’re just late.”

"People who like trance music are very persistent. They don't techno for an answer." – Joel Dommett

“My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a nice postcard to receive.” - Joe Bor

"My wife wanted a new fridge. And because I like sex, I said yeah." – John Bishop

“My friend got a personal trainer a year before his wedding." I thought: ‘Bloody hell, how long’s the aisle going to be’.” Paul McCaffrey

"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that." Adam Hills :D

"I was in my car driving back from work. A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window. I said, 'One minute I'm on the phone." - Alan Carr

"Ain't no pickpocket trying to steal my suitcase. It could be an expensive laptop computer or it could be the end of their life. It's too much of a gamble." - Imran Yusuf

"With stand-up in Britain, what you have to do is bloody swearing. In Germany, we don't have to swear. Reason being, things work." - Henning When

"Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets...then it hit me" Stewart Francis

"The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast." - Demetri Martin

"I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting.' So we stopped playing chess." - Matt Kirshen

“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” Tim Vine

"I've written a letter to the Royal Mail to complain about my post being stolen. To make sure they see it, I've put it inside a birthday card." - Gary Delaney

The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever!

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a, particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!)

When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2 Viagra, We bring good things to Life!


And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs

:1rotfl:...:1rotfl:...:1rotfl:...:1rotfl:

I'm taking the lazy way out today.
 

By using photos. :ho:

A couple of RCMP officers stopped at Sandy Bay First Nation and talked to an old Indian standing on the road.
He told the old Indian, "I need to inspect this land for illegally grown drugs."

The elder reluctantly said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed with his lips to the location.

The RCMP officer verbally exploded & said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!"

Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge & proudly displayed it to the old Indian.


"See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want, whenever I want................on any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?"

The elder nodded kindly, apologized & went about his business. Moments later he heard loud - fearful screams; he looked up & saw the RCMP officer running for his life, being chased by a Bull Bison.

With every step the Bull Bison was gaining ground on the officer & it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.

The officer was clearly terrified.

The old Indian threw down his tools & ran as fast as he could to the fence & yelled at the top of his lungs......







"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"


:1rotfl:

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled.

"Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress."

He did this carefully.

"Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter."

He silently obeyed her.

"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties. "

As he did this, the tension continued to mount.





She then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!" :22yikes:



:1rotfl:

25 things my parents taught me
 

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't behave, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC .
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My father taught me IRONY .
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My father taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTION-ISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My father taught me about STAMINA ...
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My father taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My father taught me about HYPOCRISY .
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

14. My mother taught me about behaviour MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My father taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My father taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING ..
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My father taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP .
"Put your jumper on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My father taught me HUMOUR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My father taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS .
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a tent?"

24. My father taught me WISDOM .
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favourite:
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Just a quick note to ColdNoMore-so glad you started this thread! Love all the contributions & think the contributors are hilarious!

Glad you like it. :thumbup:

Would like to see more contributors though...as there's a lot of good jokes out there. :ho:






A man walks into a zoo.

The only animal in the entire zoo...is just one dog.




It was a...Shih Tzu.

:D

Golfers will appreciate this.
 

The police are called to an apartment and find a woman standing over a lifeless man, holding a bent and twisted five-iron. The detective asks, “Is that your husband?”

“Yes,” replies the woman.

“Did you hit him with the golf club?”

“Yes, I did,” sobs the woman.

“How many times did you hit him?” asks the detective.

“I don’t know,” she replies. “Five, six, maybe seven times"....




..."Oh look, just put me down for a five.” :1rotfl:

...

small one
 

A very old couple that have been married forever is sitting on their porch one night. Suddenly, the old woman reaches over and smacks her husband knocking him off the porch and into the bushes.

He crawls back up and asks, 'What was that
for?' She says, 'For having a little p*cker.'

He sits there quietly a moment, then smacks her, sending her off the other side of the porch and into the bushes.

She crawls back and says, 'What was that for?' He says, 'For knowing there was more than one size.'

As the hostess at a casino buffet showed me to the table, I asked her to keep an eye out for my husband. I started to describe him.
“He has grey hair, wears glasses, and has a potbelly ...”

She stopped me there. “Honey, todays Senior Day. They all look like that.”

While he was visiting, my father asked for the WiFi password. “It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.

After three failed attempts to login, he said,

Am I spelling this right?

T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M”?

Looks right to me.

I haven't real all 143 posts, so please forgive me if this is a duplicate.



Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?'

I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped fishing

Now... That's funny.

You can probably guess the end of this one.

An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, Hell has air conditioning, ice water, flush toilets, and escalators, and the Engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how are things going down there?"

Satan says, "Why, things are going great. We've now got air conditioning, ice water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next!"

God is horrified. "What? You've got an Engineer? That's clearly a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here immediately!!"

Satan says, "No way, I really like having an Engineer on the staff.

I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue you."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"

I would laugh but seems like our family attracts them. Disclaimer. I am not a lawyer and I sleep with the gardener.

:MOJE_whot:

But who would be the judge or jury in this matter? I actually know a few lawyers who are pretty good people by-in-large.

Have you heard the old one.......

What is a crying shame?
A bus full of lawyers going over the railing of a bridge ........................................with an empty seat!!!

Badda-bump-de-bump-tish

That is one I probably heard in the 1970s.

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married.

I told him to leave me alone and when he did...




...I asked him why he was ignoring me.



:D

In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.
Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas,
she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little,
then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow,looked at them and said: "Don't sell that cow."

That's a good one. Hope I can remember it.

Thought for the day. :ho:

Appropriate for TV...
 

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi were discussing when life begins.

The priest said, “I believe that life begins at the moment of conception, because therein lies the potential for life.”

The minister said, “I believe life begins when the fetus becomes viable.”

The rabbi looked at them and said, “I have to disagree with you both...."




...."I believe life begins when the kids go to college and the dog dies.”



:D

extra weight
 

A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Wife (on phone): "Did you preheat the oven like asked you to?"

Husband: "Yep."

Wife: "What temperature?"

Husband: "534."

Wife: "That's the clock."

Husband:

Wife:








Husband: "535."




:1rotfl: