[ColdNoMore]

Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roastbeef. Please call the manager! “



Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”

[CFrance]

Originally Posted by ColdNoMore

Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roastbeef. Please call the manager! “



Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”

Ha ha! The guest might have been a Villager.

[ColdNoMore]

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!




Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

[Bjeanj]

Originally Posted by ColdNoMore

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!




Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

Oh, man! That’s pretty funny!

[ColdNoMore]

A man wakes from a coma. The wife changes out of her black clothes and irritated, remarks,...


... "I really cannot depend on you for anything, can I?!"

[ColdNoMore]

A sandwich walks into a bar.



The bartender says, "sorry...we don't serve food in here."

[Mrs. Robinson]

Originally Posted by ColdNoMore

A sandwich walks into a bar.



The bartender says, "sorry...we don't serve food in here."

Gulp!

[Taltarzac725]

The awesome power of a wife's love
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.

Something I shared in 2015 on Facebook that just came back. This is from the same date back in 2015. I might have put it up on Talk of the Villages back then as well.

[ColdNoMore]

"I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time."


"So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance."

[ColdNoMore]

How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to say the f-word?



Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell...




...BINGO!

[CFrance]

You're on a roll with the one-liners, CNM!

[ColdNoMore]

After a particularly poor round, a golfer spotted a lake as he walked despondently up the 18th.

He looked at his caddie and said, “I’ve played so badly all day, I think I’m going to drown myself in that lake.”




The caddie, quick as a flash, replied, “I’m not sure you could keep your head down that long.”

[ColdNoMore]

What do you have when you're holding two small green balls...in the palm of your hand?




Answer: Kermit's undivided attention.




Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.

[tomwed]

This is not everyone's cup of tea. It's a 1956 radio comedy show of Bob and Ray. It does give you a look back in time before malls and computers.

Bob & Ray’s 40-year career began at WHDH, Boston. Bob was a disc jockey, and Ray a newscaster. When the Red Sox games were delayed on account of rain, they began to amuse each other to fill the time. Soon they had a daily show of their own, “Matinee with Bob & Ray,” an improvised, madcap exercise in controlled chaos. Over their long career, they created more than a hundred characters, all played by Bob or Ray. Wally Ballou, the hapless journalist, Mary McGoon, whose recipe for frozen ginger ale salad prefigures Martha Stewart; Biff Burns in the sports room, Webley Webster, Barry Campbell, a third rate actor with an ego the size of the universe, Mary Backstayge, Noble Wife whose pals travel the world in search of goofy adventure.

Their humor is subtle, dry, intelligent and clean. Bob & Ray have a keen ear for language, how it is used and misused by the con artists, hucksters and hustlers who populate radio and television. Their humor is timeless. Bob & Ray ‘s satire of soap operas, game shows, radio shrinks and other self-appointed “experts,” and commercials, is as pertinent today as it was in 1946. They belong in the pantheon of American humor, alongside Mark Twain, George Ade, Will Rogers, and S. J. Pearlman.

Bob And Ray November 20 1956 : Incognito : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive


There is more then one show if you scroll down.

[ColdNoMore]

Two elephants meet a totally naked guy.


After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”