[ijusluvit]

I'm new to this, and maybe these stories have appeared here before, but if not, here's a contribution from s good Catholic boy...

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his
priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then
I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box "

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw
that. You didn't put any money in th e poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~


There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made made
passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons
into a glass and then drink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that silly smile off of your face."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest
and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya be sayin' a Mass
for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for
an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the road, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something
for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is
enoughto donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't
ya tell me the dog was Catholic?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly man walks into a confessional. This is the conversation...

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two hitchhikers who were
college girls. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins? "

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody".