[graciegirl]

1. Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'

- Lillian Carter (mother of President Jimmy & Billy Carter)





2. I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'


- Eleanor Roosevelt





3. Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..


- Mark Twain





4. The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible


- George Burns





5. Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.


- Victor Borge





6. Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.


- Mark Twain





7. By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.


- Socrates





8. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.


- Groucho Marx





9. My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.


- Jimmy Durante





10. I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.


- Zsa Zsa Gabor





11. Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.


- Alex Levine





12. My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.


- Rodney Dangerfield





13. Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.


- Spike Milligan





14. Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.


- Joe Namath





15. I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.


- Bob Hope





16. I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..


- W. C. Fields





17. We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.


- Will Rogers





18. Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.


- Winston Churchill





19. Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.


- Phyllis Diller





20. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.


- Billy Crystal





21. The cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good, spit it out.


- Unknown

[SandB]

Funny stuff - thanks for sharing!

[2BNTV]

Originally Posted by SandB

Funny stuff - thanks for sharing!

Ditto.

[skyguy79]

[anarick]

Gracie

One of my favorites is Bob Hope's "Middle age is when your age starts to show around the middle".

Thanks

[Lbmb24101]

Great way to end this rainy Monday here in Ga
Wise and also funny quotes

[Schaumburger]

Truer words were never spoken.

[carm310]

Loved it!

[Taltarzac725]

Good morning, Gracie.

[2BNTV]

Yogi Berra on his induction to baseball's Hall of Fame said,

"I'd like to thank my parents for making this day necessary."

It's true he said this at his speech. I'm not making it up.

[elevatorman]

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.
Will Rogers