[macro]

FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

10. A calendar's days are numbered.

11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

13. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

16. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .

17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

18. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

19. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

21. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

23. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a
weapon of math disruption.

25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

26. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

27 Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.

29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

31. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

32. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

33. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

34. Don't join dangerous cults: practice safe sects.

[getdul981]

Read until the end.....you'll laugh....
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word
is 'UP.' It is listed in the
dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky
or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we
wake UP?


At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do
we speak UP, and why are the
officers UP for
election and why is it UP to the secretary to
write UP a
report? We call UP our friends,
brighten UP a room, polish UP the
silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We
lock UP the house and
fix UP the old
car.

At other times this little word has real special
meaning. People stir UP trouble,
line UP for
tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one
thing but to be dressed UP is
special.
And this UP is confusing: A
drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We
open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at
night. We seem to be pretty mixed
UP about UP !

To be
knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.. In a desk-sized
dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about
thirty definitions

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may
wind UP with a hundred or
more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is
clouding UP . When the sun comes out
we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it
soaks UP the
earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on & on, but I'll wrap
it UP, for now ........my time is UP !

Oh....one more thing:
What is the first thing you
do in the morning & the last thing you do at
night?

U
P !
Did that one crack you UP?

Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you
look UP in your address
book..or not...it's UP to you.

Now
I'll shut UP