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The Joke Thread
It occurred to me, that instead of always needing to start a separate thread to post a joke...maybe a stand-alone thread would work better. :shrug:
So, I guess we'll see if folks find it easier just to post their jokes here...instead of always starting another thread. I'll go first. Stewart and his wife Penny celebrating fortieth years together. Their three children,all very successful, all agreed to a Saturday dinner in their honor. “Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad” gushed son number one Marc, a cardiologist, “Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know the rules, and didn’t have time to get you a gift.” “Do not worry son! ” said Stewart, the important thing is that we’re all together today.” Son number two Jamie, a lawyer, arrived and announced “You and Dad look great Mom”. I just flew in from Chicago between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you”. “Do not worry son!,” said Penny. “We’re glad you were able to come.” Just then the daughter Eliza,a marketing executive, arrived. “Hello and Happy Anniversary! I’m sorry but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn’t have time to get you anything.” After they finished dinner, Stewart said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.You see, we were very poor. But we worked hard, we were able to send each of you to university. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.” The three children were bewildered and all said, “You mean we’re bastards?” “Yes,” said Stewart, “and cheap ones too!” :D |
I apologize in advance Chi...but I thought this was pretty funny! :D
Mama and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse. Baby Bear is put on the stand to testify and is asked by the judge, “Do you want to live with Papa Bear?” “No” Baby Bear replies, “he beats me.” Then the judge asks, “Do you want to live with Mama Bear?” “No” Baby Bear replies, “she beats me too.” So the Judge says, “Who do you want to live with then?” Baby Bear replies, “I want to live with the Chicago Bears, they don’t beat anybody!” |
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A little lame...but still funny (to me).
A pair of chickens walks up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, “Buk Buk BUK.” The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives it to them…and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.
Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say, “Buk Buk BuKKOOK!” The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before. The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, “Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!” The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them. She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, “Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit…!” |
A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee, he hooked into a cow pasture. He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse. They followed the plan and waited for their friend. After a considerable time, he appeared disheveled, bloody and badly beaten up. They all wanted to know what happened.
He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball. He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain. He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded. It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his. A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball. The helpful male golfer lifted the cow’s tail and asked, “Does this look like yours!?” |
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Six old retired guys are sat playing poker at Gary’s house one night when Rocco loses 600 bucks on a single hand. At the shock of this he clutches his chest and then drops dead from a heart attack.
Tony asks, “Who’s going to go and tell the situation to his wife?” None of them want this horrible job so they finally decide to cut the pack, and lowest card loses and has to go tell her. Ronald draws a three and loses so he’s the one who has to go and break the bad news. The others tell him to be discreet and gentle so as not to make a bad situation even worse. Ronald says, “Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet – discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me, not a problem.” He drives over to Rocco’s house and knocks on the door. Rocco’s wife answers and asks Ronald what he wants. Ronald replies, “I’m sorry to have to tell you this but your husband just lost 600 bucks playing cards and is afraid to come home. He’s asked me to come over here and apologize to you.” Rocco’s wife goes crazy and screams, ” You tell him I said drop dead!” Ronald doesn’t bat an eyelid and says, “Ok, I’ll go tell him.” |
On Easter Sunday I saw a driver on Morse Boulevard texting and driving.
It made me so mad I threw my beer at him. :D |
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A very protective farmer had three teenage daughters who had never been allowed to date. The three daughters were really bugging the farmer until he finally gave in. He allowed them to date on one condition, that their date had to come to the door and the farmer would greet them and approve of their choice. And so it happened. Coincidently, all three daughters had a date on the same night. The first guy shows up and knocks on the door. The farmer grabs his shotgun and goes to the door. "Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?". The farmer looks him over figure he's ok and lets her go. He returns inside until anther knock at the door. He grabs his shotgun and approaches the door. "Hi, I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're going for some spaghetti, is she ready?". The farmer looks him over and figure he's ok and lets her go. He returns inside until anther knock at the door. He grabs his shotgun and approaches the door. "Hi, I'm Chuck." The farmer shot him.
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The grumpy Navy Master Chief saw a new face and shouted at him, “Come here! What’s your name, sailor?”
“James,” the new seaman answered. “Listen carefully sailor, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It their last names only; Carter,Davidson,Cooper, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Master Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?” “Aye, Aye, Master Chief!” “Now,what’s your last name?” The sailor sighed. “Darling, My name is James Darling, Master Chief.” “Okay,James, here’s what I want you to do… |
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One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his polar bear son were sitting in the snow. The cub turned to his father and said: “Dad, am I 100 per cent polar bear?” “Of course, son,” replied the father. “You are 100 per cent polar bear.” A few minutes later, the cub turned to his father again and said: “Dad, tell me the truth, I can take it. Am I 100 per cent polar bear? No brown bear or black bear or grizzly bear?” The father put a loving paw on his son’s head. “Son,” he said, “I am 100 per cent polar bear, your mother is 100 per cent polar bear, so you are definitely 100 per cent polar bear.” The cub seemed satisfied, but a few minutes later he turned to his father once more and said: “Look, Dad, I don’t want you saying things just to spare my feelings. I have to know: am I 100 per cent polar bear?” By now the father was becoming distressed by the continual questioning and said: “Why do you keep asking if you are 100 per cent polar bear?” The cub replied: “Because I’m freezing!” |
How does Hooters screen applicants for an interview?
They give them a bra and ask them "Can you fill this out"? |
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What kind of homes do Irish Villagers prefer?
Patty O'Villas |
A blond city girl named Amy marries a Wisconsin farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the farmer says to her, 'The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' The farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.' The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blond, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know. How would you know this is the right cow to be bred?' 'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently. Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?' Amy turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder...... 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.' |
Now... that's funny.
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A lawyer joke.
One day a guy found a genie lamp and rubbed and POOF!, the genie popped out. The genie said that he would give the guy three wishes but that he was a lawyer’s genie and whatever he got every lawyer got double.
First, he wished for 10 million dollars POOF! he has ten million dollars but every lawyer in the world gets 20 million! Second, he wishes little world peace POOF! he has it. Every lawyer in the world gets...Utopia! Third and last, he wished to donate a kidney....so every lawyer in the world had to donate both of their kidneys! |
I think this joke was written...by a Villager. :1rotfl:
A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he’d asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down because he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient; he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest. “Oh, I don’t care” said the waiter with a smile, “We don’t even have an air conditioner!” |
So Bad, It's Funny!
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It could qualify for the groaner of the week! :girlneener: |
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Spaghetti
A man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child... If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, And write ' Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the Child support payment to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: 'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.' Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce. |
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Excellent. Thanks.
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CFrance, you retain the crown.
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What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything. |
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Good one. :thumbup: My first reaction, after laughing, was....Mama, mama, mama, mama, mama...Mia! :D |
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Today's unbearable...groaner. :D A bear walks into a restaurant and say’s “I want a grilllllled....................................... cheese” The waiter says “Whats with the pause?” The bear replies “Whaddya mean, I’M A BEAR.” :1rotfl: |
It's a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.
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Speaking of which...
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A young student female canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs to help with her tuition, since she was not smart enough to have received any scholarships. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" She replied, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the lady came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the lady answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the young woman added, "that's not a Porsche; it's a Ferrari." :1rotfl: |
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