A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as real Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

'What's that ?' the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his peni$ he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man replies: "No, no...!!! Calm down...!!!


It will say ADIDAS in a minute."

Originally Posted by dirtbanker

A sweet grandmother Telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good News."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said,"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything."

I have read almost every one of the jokes on here and for some reason I am still laughing at this one!

Sent from my SM-N910R4 using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by Guest

I have read almost every one of the jokes on here and for some reason I am still laughing at this one!

Sent from my SM-N910R4 using Tapatalk

Glad you found one you like!

WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED*
Men Are Just Happier People --What do you expect from such simple creatures?*
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.*
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.*Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.*
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress £5000, Tux rental £100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.*
One mood all the time.*
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.*
You know stuff about tanks.*
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.*
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.*
Your underwear is £2.99 for a three-pack.
Two pairs of shoes are more than enough.*You almost never have strap problems in public.*
You are unable to see creases in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.*
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.*
You only have to shave your face and neck.*
You can play with toys all your life.*
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.*
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.*
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.*
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes!!



Men Are Just Happier People, Too!*
NICKNAMES�*If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.*If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Nobby and Tosser.*
EATING OUT�*When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in a tenner, even though it's only for £25. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.*When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.*
MONEY�*A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.*A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.*
BATHROOMS�*A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.*The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.*
ARGUMENTS�*A woman has the last word in any argument.*Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.*
FUTURE�*A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.*
MARRIAGE�*A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.*A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.*
DRESSING UP�*A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.*A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.*

NATURAL�*Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.*Women somehow deteriorate during the night.*
OFFSPRING�*Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.*A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.*
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!*

An old man was asked, "At your ripe age, what do
you prefer to get - Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?"

The wise one answered, "Definitely Parkinson's.
Better to spill half an ounce of Jack Daniel's, than to
forget where you keep the bottle!!"

An 8 year old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard, and asked him: "Grampa, what is couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to ask the question, she's old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her: "Why did you ask that question, honey?"

The little girl replied: "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in a couple secs."

Teacher in Detroit, asks a student to use "handsome" in a sentence..

A girl named Latisha says, "Sometimes when I be pleasin' Jamal's soul pole, my jaw gits sore, and I hafta use my handsome."

The quality of our educational system sometimes brings a tear to my eye!

A doctor had sex with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
"Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering.......... "You're a veterinarian, you sick ba$tard."

One day a golfer accidentally overturned his golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out,

"Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It's Bob, and I'm OK thanks," he replied.

"Bob forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Bob answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," Bob finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a restorative brandy, and some driving and putting lessons, Bob thanked his hostess.

"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile , "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Under the golf cart!" he explained.

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in Our Country lately: Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida... Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation. Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border. Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees. Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
Think about this:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
COWS:
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
THE CONSTITUTION:
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS:
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this: you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians, it creates a hostile work environment.

An elderly couple, both single, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, cleared his throat, leaned over towards her and whispered,
'Is that one word or two?'

When you are over 50....who gives a $hit... Say What you want.....

This smart ass chick looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath, taste it."

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look damn good."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your good looking friend over there instead of you"

I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said to her, "good legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their tits.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a big BS'er. He's never been out of the yard'

An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.."

My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

"My goodness," he said with excitement, "you appear quite elderly to be driving."

"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore.”

“Really?” asked my neighbor.

“Yes! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the wastebasket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"