[Cisco Kid]

I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.

[skyguy79]

A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one a wish.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof -- the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise.

Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me." So the fairy picked up her wand and poof -- the husband was 90.

[Cisco Kid]

I'm so excited. I just finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months, when the box said, "two to four years."

[CFrance]

Originally Posted by Cisco Kid

I'm so excited. I just finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months, when the box said, "two to four years."

[skyguy79]

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness most Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor!

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister.

I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk... “I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

Moral: Never, Never, Ever Be Late!

[graciegirl]

[dbussone]

Originally Posted by graciegirl

I just busted a gut. Thank you.

[TxJollyMon]

Dick and Roberta were not just made for each other, being Jr. high school sweethearts, but were also made to play golf together. In fact, they had won the couples best ball tournament 14 years straight. They knew the 15th probably would be their last due to the up and coming young couples that could drive the ball a country mile.

As luck would have it, in their quest to win 15 straight, Dick and Roberta were tied with the hottest new young couple coming to the 18th hole. Roberta was up for the drive on the 18th hole, but like Mr. Hogan, let the pressure get to her and her drive slowly hooked to the left rough and came to rest just a few feet short of the golf cart barn.

Dick was despondent because all he saw was chipping the ball back into the fairway with no forward progress while the new hot couple had drilled their drive down the center of the fairway.

Roberta, however, was of a more positive viewpoint. She pointed out that since the front and rear doors of the golf cart barn were open, there was a direct line to the pin. All Dick had to do was hit a low stinger straight to the pin and Roberta would one putt for a birdie. Although Dick protested, Roberta convinced him he could make the shot.

Dick did make the shot but it was just 1" too high and caught the cross frame for the farthest door of the barn and shot straight back towards Dick and Roberta. Roberta was struck right between the eyes and expired on the spot.

Dick was crest fallen, having lost Roberta and abandoned the game of golf.

Notwithstanding the urging of his friends over the years, Dick refused to play golf again.

Then one day, Dick saw this young golfer Bobbie who, besides looking like Roberta, also played just like Roberta. It did not take much talking to convince Dick to enter another couples best ball tournament with Bobbie.

Once again on the 18th tee, Dick and Bobbie were tied with another couple. The winner of the hole would decide who won the tournament.

As luck would have it, Bobbie had the honors and as if the Gods were laughing at Dick, Bobbie's drive came to rest in the same place as Roberta's drive did some 20 years ago.

As Dick lined up to chip the ball back into the center of the fairway without advancing it any distance, Bobbie urged Dick to consider hitting the ball through the golf cart barn since a low stinger would put the ball right on the green with the good opportunity to 1 putt for a birdie.

Dick's only response to Bobbie was h**ll no, the last time I did that we bogeyed the hole.

[LianaB]

or maybe not

[Cisco Kid]

Originally Posted by LianaB

or maybe not

Ha HA, I put that on my Facebook

[Ecuadog]

I found a wallet the other day that had nearly $500 in it. I asked myself, "What would Jesus do?" So I converted it into wine.

[slipcovers]

DAVIDS WIFE

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at his age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than 40 years of steady deposits and interest totally nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which was worth over $2 million, and informed that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for 40 years she had charged him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, " If I had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business".

That is when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouth shut.

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected !!

[Cisco Kid]

Watch where you park.










You might get ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, TOAD.

[Cisco Kid]

A baker was busy making bread when his bakery caught fire and burned down. His business is now toast.

[tomwed]

These two peanuts were walking down the street.
And one of them was a salted.

.....................................I would tell that joke on the first day of class, in the beginning of the period, in each one of my classes. I could predict the student's final Grade Point Average, with over 90% accuracy by how fast it took for each kid to laugh. Sometimes, it was so funny, about half into the period, in the middle of my safety lecture, a kid would burst out laughing. I knew he was a D student.