[chuck90199]

One day in Heaven...

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.

WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA: I froze to death.

WANDA: How horrible!

SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA: So, what happened?

WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

[Gat0r]

A man came home after playing golf looking totally exhausted.His wife asked him what happened.He told her that his golfing partner Harry had a heart attack, so it was hit the ball drag Harry,Hit the ball drag Harry.

[skyguy79]

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back room and said, "There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager ok'ed the request and the man went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota, sir." "Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" inquired the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there." "My wife is from Minnesota", exclaimed the manager. The boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"

[Cisco Kid]

Every time I dream about mufflers, I wake up exhausted.

[CFrance]

Originally Posted by Cisco Kid

Every time I dream about mufflers, I wake up exhausted.

As BarryRX would say, you can't hear me, but I'm moaning.

[skyguy79]

A man visiting a graveyard saw a tombstone that read: "Here lies John Smith, a lawyer and an honest man."

"How about that!" he exclaimed. "They've got three people buried in one grave."

[Cisco Kid]

According to studies, we humans only use twelve percent of our brains.

Just imagine how much more intelligent we would be if we could use the other seventy.

[skyguy79]

An old snake goes to see his Doctor.

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days". The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"

[Cisco Kid]

I saw an advert in a window that said " TV for sale. $50. Volume stuck on full" I thought, Hmmm, I cant turn that down.

[CFrance]

Originally Posted by Cisco Kid

I saw an advert in a window that said " TV for sale. $50. Volume stuck on full" I thought, Hmmm, I cant turn that down.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

[Ecuadog]

Then there was the radio ad that created a traffic jam. It said, "Come on down to John's Bargain Store and see women's underwear half off."

[Cisco Kid]

I've just quit my job at the helium balloon factory.

I won't be spoken to like that.

[skyguy79]

The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
"Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T?'' she asked the instructor.
"P-U-T-T is correct", he replied.
"PUT means to place a thing where you want it. PUTT means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

[CFrance]

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old sow (a girl) came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt.

She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number.”

I looked at her and said, ”Have you got a pen.”

She said, “I sure do."

I said, “ Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”

My dental surgery is on Monday.

[skyguy79]

A neurotic is the person who builds a castle in the air.

A psychotic is the person who lives in it.

And a psychiatrist is the person who collects the rent.