Me: "It's really muggy outside today."

Wife: "If I go outside and all of our mugs are sitting on the lawn...I'm leaving you!"









Me: "Sips coffee from cereal bowl."


:D

Why did the blonde woman run out of shampoo so fast?
She kept folllowing the instructions: rinse, lather, repeat


Blonde gets a new cell phone from her husband. Next day she goes to Walmart and her phone rings. It’s her husband. “How’s the new cell phone?” She replied “great, but how did you know I was at Walmart?”

I know someone who was dropped off at WD to pick up some orange juice . After quite awhile he got tired of waiting and parked the car, went in the store and found her staring at a frozen can of orange juice. He asked why it's taking so long so long. She said the can says concentrate.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today. 'The bartender says' well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.


'As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says 'thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up' says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says ‘thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies 'sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor... Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

Moral of the story?








Depends.



:D

Shortly before our 25th wedding anniversary, my husband sent 25 long-stemmed yellow roses to me at my office.

A few days later, I plucked all the petals and dried them.

On the night of our anniversary, I spread the petals over the bed and lay on top of them, wearing only a negligee.

As I’d hoped, I got a reaction from my husband.






When he saw me, he shouted, “Are those potato chips?”

:D

Warning: This is a Dirty Limerick ...
 

There was a young Plumber from Leigh
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
Said the girl, "Stop your plumbing, there's somebody coming!"
Said the Plumber, still plumbing, "It's me!"

Ha ha, so now we're doing limericks!

There once was a monk from Siberia
Whose morals were rather inferior
He did to a nun
what he oughtn't have done
And now she's a Mother Superior!

:22yikes:

:1rotfl:


:D

An Irishman's First Drink With His Son
 

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons,memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.


Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.


I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.


Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?

He didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's; nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky.

He wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so sh*t-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!

Hysterical, I didn't see that coming. Thanks for the belly laugh.

me neither

That's one that I'm going to use.

A Little Irish Traffic Humor
 

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins."shouts one of the drunks. Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculate and says,
"I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculate rolls down her window and shouts, "Pi$$ off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off." She then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior quite innocently, and asks,"Did that sound cross enough?"

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"

The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?"

Giuseppe proudly replied....









...."I gonna go pick her up."


:duck:

Ha-Ha that was great! Reminds me of another one:


After last night's argument, my wife was still mad at me this morning. While making breakfast she asked, "How do you want your eggs, a**hole?"

I said, "To Go!"

I was gassing up last nite and there was a guy filling a container and he had his little dog with him. This reminded me of an old joke I got from my grandfather when I was young and I told hundreds of times. Steel it.

My grandfather said he once owned a gas station [true]. He said one day this little dog shows up and starts lapping up the gas that overflowed on the ground. Then he starts running around the pumps like crazy, and then he just stops.
[eventually I asked my grandfather, rather sheepishly, "did he die?"]
My grandfather said "Oh no, he just ran out of gas."

True story;

When my daughter was in about first grade, she came home and said... "do you know Dad, why when a flock of geese fly in a 'V'...that one side of the V is longer than the other?"

I then proceeded to try and explain aerodynamics at a basic level, how being in front is tiring, that 'drafting' helps the whole flock cover longer distances...and that a non-equal V helps the entire flock do that.

After a minute, I could see her eyes glazing and then she simply stated....








"No Dad, it's because...there's more geese on that side." :oops:


:1rotfl:

I'm dying!!!!:a040:

- I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

- Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can't hit me with them.

- My husband is on the roof - only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

- My wife made me a green hamburger today to celebrate St Patricks Day. I asked her how she colored it and she said she didn't know what I was talking about.

- I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She was so mad...she still isn't talking to me.

- I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace" So I bought her nothing.

- A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

- My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

- My wife is going to qualify for free shipping no matter how much it costs.




And drum-roll please....

- Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble...but shouldn't that be an even number?


:1rotfl:

A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied, and again turned back to his book.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

Bwahaha!

Well. Luck,buck, truck, muck, suck, Duck, yuck

Well, he might have said duck, luck, muck, puck, suck, or truck

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"









The interviewer replies, "Yeah, of course...but you started it."

:D

HOMESICK SNOWBIRD


At The Villages in Florida last week, there was a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
"I miss Chicago ."

Someone broke the windows, stole the radio, shot out all four tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read:
"Hope this helps"

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.


I’ll let you know.

I was visiting my Daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

“This is the 21t Century” she said. “We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.”


I can tell you this … that fly never knew what hit him!

That's hilarious.:a040:

Let us know.

:1rotfl:

This blonde is driving down the road, speeding, and gets pulled over by another blonde, a cop. The cop says let me see your license.

The blonde looks in her purse for awhile then says what does it look like? The blonde cop says, its the thing with your picture on it.

The blonde looks through her purse again, finds her compact, opens it and thinks, it must be this and hands it to the cop. The cop looks at it and says, we could have saved a lot of trouble if you told me you were a cop in the first place!!

Which came first................the chicken or the egg ????

I'm sayin' Katz.

Katz in a box?

Whoaaaaaa -- getting a little naughty now are we?

A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO Costco

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, :doggie: Oreo the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?:22yikes:

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet :mmmm:again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry:popcorn:. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me:faint:.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.:1rotfl:

Costco won't let me shop there anymore. :police:

Better watch what you ask retired people.

A good one! :1rotfl:



My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned 60...and that's the law.

—Jerry Seinfeld


:D

Two guys grow up together in Amityville, NY, and both retire. One moves to The Villages in Florida and the other moves to PebbleCreek in Arizona. They agree to meet every five years to play golf on the Black Course at Bethpage State Park.

At age 55, they finish their round of golf.
"Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got the good-looking servers, and the tight shorts, and the legs ..."
"OK."

Five years later at age 60 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters.”
"Why?"
"Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little betting action on the games."
"OK."

Five years later at age 65 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking."
"OK."

At age 70 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price"
"OK"

At age 75 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door."
"OK."

At age 80 they meet and play again.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"We've never been there before.”