Truth! :1rotfl:

A couple in their nineties were both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor told them that they were physically okay, but might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asked.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure.."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asked.

"No, I can remember it.."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?"

He said, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that - write it down?" she asked.

Irritated, he said, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddled off into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returned and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment.








"Where's my toast?"

Sounds like a typical day in my house.

:clap2:

2019 Super Bowl tickets.
 

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2019 Super Bowl, both box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at Holy Cross Church, on Lake Ave at 3pm. The bride's name is MaryAnn, she's 5'7", about 120 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one in the white dress. :popcorn:

Politically Incorrect
 

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - Protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

​

Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.

Kudos T :1rotfl:

I'm afraid to say I liked this

I will be sharing this one.. lol

Have trouble with the "snowflake" insult as it is thrown at just about anyone by everyone else. Looks like it is from the movie Fight Club. Or originates there.

Kind of funny as this movie Fight Club is about some guy with a split personality who does not know what he is doing half the time. Because someone else is in control of him.

First Christmas Joke:

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

Moral of the story;
Do not try to tell a joke to a person who is literal.

Three men are exiled to the deepest part of the Desert as their Sentence for Horrific Crimes against Humanity.

The first man (An Irishman) said I'm gonna bring a Fan so when it gets hot we can sit in front of the fan and cool off.

The second man (A German) said I'm gonna bring a big block of ice. When it gets hot we'll put the fan behind the ice a blow a cool breeze at ourselves.

The third man A (Puerto Rican) said I'm gonna bring a car door. The other two said Miguel are you nuts? Miguel said are you kidding if it gets hot we'll roll down the window.

Feel Free to Interchange Nationalities to suit your needs.

Wife: "I have a bag full of clothing I would like to donate."

Husband: "Why not just throw them away in the trash? It would be much easier."

Wife: "But there are poor, starving people who could really use these clothes."


Husband: "Honey, anyone who could fit in those clothes...is not starving."



The husband is recuperating nicely...from his severe head wound.

That is a good one.

A Scotsman is working at a sewerage. It's a warm day, so he takes off his jacket and drapes it over a handrail - where it slips off into a vast tank of poo!
He's just about to dive in when his mate shouts "It's nae guid tae do that, the jacket's ruined"

He replies "Aye, ah ken, but ma sandwiches are in the pocket"

Friends, please be careful. The other day I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, followed by a few cocktails and then a couple of shots.

I still had the sense to know that I was over the limit. That’s when I decided to do what I had never done before. I took a cab home.

Sure enough, there was a police roadblock on the way but since it was a cab, they just waved it through. I arrived home without incident.

This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don’t even know where I got it from. And now, it is in my garage and I don’t know what to do with it.

TEN REASONS WHY GOLF IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. A below par performance is considered good.
9. You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
8. You can still make money doing it as a senior.
7. It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.
6. Foursomes are encouraged.
5. Three times a day is possible.
4. Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
3. If you live in Florida, you can do it every day.
2. You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.
1. If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.

Too funny, thanks : )

Saw this on Facebook and probably wrong of me, but I couldn't help myself...from laughing out loud. :1rotfl:

Men, you can't live with them and you can't kill them! :MOJE_whot:

(I couldn't help myself either. But you started it. LOL) :)

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh, Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence. THE DEVIL MADE ME DO IT! :1rotfl:

Woman has a massive heart attack and is on the operating table. As her soul is leaving her body, God says, go back you have another 25 years. Sure enough the operation is a success. Afterwards she is so happy, she treats herself to an eye job, nose job, face lift, breast augmentation. Happy with her new self she goes jogging and gets slammed by a bus. As her soul wings to heaven she yells out to God, You told me I had another 25 years. The heavens open and God replies, I'm sorry I didn't recognize you :)

:girlneener: :clap2:

The President is walking out of the White House and heading towards his limo when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse”. This startles the would-be assassin and he is captured.

Later the Secret Service supervisor takes the neophyte agent aside and asks “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout “Donald, Duck!”

:1rotfl:

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Florida and the other to Colorado. They agree to meet every ten years to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why Hooters?"

"They have those broads with the big racks, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."

"You're on."

At age 42, they meet and play golf again.

"Where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Again? Why?"

"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."

"OK."

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters.

"Why?"

"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."

"OK."

At age 62 they meet again.

After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."

"Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again.

Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."

"Great choice."

At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Because we've never been there before."

"Okay."

HaHa -- Terrific!

:1rotfl:

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day,Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,' For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'.
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffeeshop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud, that when I got into court, I plead 'guilty'

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.’

Lol

Quite a new one for me -- TERRIFIC -- Definitely will become part of my joke repertoire.

THE FIRST MESSAGE



Hey Bill ---- This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much... I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you. Regards, Alan.



THE ACTION



Bill, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor Alan dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his neighbor.



THE SECOND MESSAGE



Hey Bill --- This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I know you've figured it out anyway, but I’m sure you noticed that my auto-correct changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’. Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards, Alan.

In Catholic schools, students are taught that lying is a sin. Instructors are also advised that a bit of imagination is OK to express the truth differently without lying. This is a perfect example of this teaching:

Getting a hairdryer through customs

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor of you?"

"Of course child. What can I do for you?"

"I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened, but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Could you possibly hide it under your robes for me?"
"I would love to help you my dear; but, I must warn you, I will not lie!"


"With your honest face, Father, I'm sure no one will question you!"
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."



The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist down to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on women, but which, to date, remains unused."


Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next, please!"