[graciegirl]

This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all.
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
________________________________________

[DougB]

Better to hear Dancing Queen instead of Do do do looking up my back door.

Colonoscopy joke
Please check out our collection of funny jokes to start your day on a happy note.
The Joke of the Day is �Colonoscopy�.
Have you ever*been to a Doctor�s office to*get colonoscopy done?
I went into my proctologist�s office for my first rectal exam.
His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed, and have a seat until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be in a few minutes.
After putting
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse�
�Evelyn!!! Goddammit woman! I said a BUTT LIGHT!�
What is your favorite Joke of the Day?

[graciegirl]

Originally Posted by DougB

Colonoscopy joke

Please check out our collection of funny jokes to start your day on a happy note.
The Joke of the Day is �Colonoscopy�.
Have you ever*been to a Doctor�s office to*get colonoscopy done?
I went into my proctologist�s office for my first rectal exam.
His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed, and have a seat until the doctor could see me.
She said that he would only be in a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me, I sat down.
While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand, next to the exam table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly,*a rubber glove and a beer.
When the doctor finally came in, I said, �Look Doc, I am a little confused. This is my first exam� I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?
At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse�
�Evelyn!!! Goddammit woman! I said a BUTT LIGHT!�
What is your favorite Joke of the Day?

OMIGAWD. I feel better already. Come on gang, keep 'em comin.

[manaboutown]

A fellow I grew up with is a gastroenterologist in Reno. While I was up there not long ago I visited him. He wanted to show me his facility although it was a weekend and it was closed. When he showed me his gear, about 50 of those tubes hanging from a bar in the room in which they are washed and sanitized, I almost fainted! I have had a couple colonoscopies and I find it hard to believe human colons are so long!

[Taltarzac725]

This is a funny link--

16 (Funny) Things I Learned from a Colonoscopy

[69Ludwigs]

I am a long time Dave Barry fan. I signed up on the Miami Herald web site and get an email every week with a link to his columns, always humorous. He also has written several very funny novels. Very funny guy and....he plays guitar with a band of other famous writers. He's better at the writing though.

[Taltarzac725]

CT Colonography (Virtual Colonoscopy)

I wonder how effective this virtual colonoscopy is when compared with the one done with tubes?

I have had this kind of procedure but from the throat down to check for the effects of GERD as well as one up my happy stick. I had to do joy stick exam when I applied for a job at the Post Office in St. Pete for their Christmas rush around 1996. They did a lot of tests and blood showed up in my urine. Quite an ordeal just to have a chance to work a few weeks at the post office sorting mail during the Holidays. I did not get it anyway. Quite a drive down there from Palm Harbor.

They do not put you down nor really give you much of anything for the pain (very little though) with the make merry friend exam. You have to watch as....

[Bruiser1]

Originally Posted by graciegirl

OMIGAWD. I feel better already. Come on gang, keep 'em comin.

"My started singing "getting to know you",,, as I drifted out.

When I awoke he said "Anyone seen my Rolex?"

Don't worry Gracie Minneapolis is beautiful this time of year!

[2BNTV]

The prep work is the most fun!!!! You can pretend that your Captain James Kirk, when sitting on the commode.

Joke:

Two men meet on the street that can't talk but use sign language. One man informs the other, that he went to a doctor that was teaching him how to speak. The man asks for his phone number and makes an appointment.

He went to the doctor and was ask to take off off all of his clothes in the examining room. He thought that was strange request. The doctor comes on and asks him to bend over, and hold onto to the table.

The doctor gets a large broom and dips it into a vat of vaseline. He then sticks it in the patients behind, and the man shrieked, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!


The doctor said, very good, the next time we'll start with the letter, "B".

BTW - very funny article by Dave Barry.

[getdul981]

Assuming that your original post was about getting ready for the colonoscopy, how did it go? Everything OK? I've had a few and it's almost time for another. As Dave said in so many words, the prep is much worse than the procedure.