[JoeC1947]

Anybody out there ever have to put their mom of Dad into an assisted living facility? How did you handle the stress? I'm not talking about the stress on them but the stress on you? I'm finding it very difficult to know what the right thing to do is. I have 3 sisters that live up north and they all want her (mom) to go to a place up there so she is closer to them. She has been here with us for 2 years and I think that FL is the better place for her, mostly for the weather. My mom is considering going up north so my sisters won't have to travel so far. It's not like my sisters have been pillars of support either. Two years ago they wanted to put her in a home and I said no way so my wife and I took her in. We gave her 2 great years down here but now she's on the fence. She is starting to need more care than my wife and I are capable of giving and safety is beginning to be a concern. I feel that now is the time to place her because she is still adaptable. We've looked at 5 places and we think that Mission Oaks in Oxford is a good fit for her. I want my mom to make the decision for herself but she doesn't want to be "selfish" and I'm afraid that she would make the decision that would make my sisters more comfortable.

[Mikeod]

Wow. That is a difficult situation. Assuming your mom is still capable of rational decision making, all you can do is present your rationale for her remaining in FL vs. going back north. Does she have friends/acquaintances here? Does she have friends back north? Does she have confidence/comfort with her health care practitioners here? Up north? Is she able to enjoy the outdoors here? Year round here vs. ? up north. Will she get more regular contact with family members here vs. up north? Will she get more time out of the facility here vs. there? Will the girls adjust their lifestyles to accommodate mom since they have not had her around for the last two years?

This is the time for mom to be more concerned about what is best for her and not for her kids. For some parents, it's difficult to think that way, but the kids will adapt. There is Skype, Facetime, etc. to enable "visits" without the travel.

Whatever the decision, it sounds like you have done your best for your mom.

[jblum315]

My mom decided that it was time for her to go to assisted living, she wasn't comfortable living by herself. Now she was in Virginia and me in NY with young children. So I looked at options in NY near me and decided it wouldn't work because I would be her ONLY outside contact. She found a home in Richmond where she had a lot of friends nearby. I went for a month to help with the transition and to find and hire a companion who would visit her every day. It was sad for her and for me but it all went very smooth.

[ijusluvit]

Originally Posted by mikeod

Wow. That is a difficult situation. Assuming your mom is still capable of rational decision making, all you can do is present your rationale for her remaining in FL vs. going back north. Does she have friends/acquaintances here? Does she have friends back north? Does she have confidence/comfort with her health care practitioners here? Up north? Is she able to enjoy the outdoors here? Year round here vs. ? up north. Will she get more regular contact with family members here vs. up north? Will she get more time out of the facility here vs. there? Will the girls adjust their lifestyles to accommodate mom since they have not had her around for the last two years?

This is the time for mom to be more concerned about what is best for her and not for her kids. For some parents, it's difficult to think that way, but the kids will adapt. There is Skype, Facetime, etc. to enable "visits" without the travel.

Whatever the decision, it sounds like you have done your best for your mom.

There are a lot of good questions here. Assuming she is able, your mother is the person who should answer those questions, not you or her other children. IMHO your stress is probably like most people's in this kind of situation - it's really guilt. Guilt that you can't take care of her comfortably and SAFELY etc. etc. These are powerful emotions and can easily blind us to making the BEST decisions. Talk to your mother gently. Help her through all the questions, then ACCEPT her decision. If she can't do it alone, have a family conference and hash out a short or longer term decision, and accept that too. Don't be upset by all of this. You already know your mother needs assistance that goes beyond what you can provide. Think of her as being safe and comfortable somewhere, no matter where that might be. God bless!!!

[NotGolfer]

Does Mom still have friends and extended family (not your sisters) up north? Perhaps she'd be more comfortable in that area since it would be familiar and other folks (besides the sisters) could visit her.

A family conference might be your best option now. Guilt won't get you very far. IF your mom is willing to go to assisted living then it's her part of the decision. Growing old is never easy (it's something most of us will "get" to experience, God willing) so good planning is something everyone should consider and do. Look at all the "what if's". What if your mom was staying with you and something happened to you and your spouse??? THAN the what if would have happened and something quickly would need to be put in place along with taking care of your affairs, whatever they might be.

[JoeC1947]

Originally Posted by mikeod

Wow. That is a difficult situation. Assuming your mom is still capable of rational decision making, all you can do is present your rationale for her remaining in FL vs. going back north. Does she have friends/acquaintances here? Does she have friends back north? Does she have confidence/comfort with her health care practitioners here? Up north? Is she able to enjoy the outdoors here? Year round here vs. ? up north. Will she get more regular contact with family members here vs. up north? Will she get more time out of the facility here vs. there? Will the girls adjust their lifestyles to accommodate mom since they have not had her around for the last two years?

This is the time for mom to be more concerned about what is best for her and not for her kids. For some parents, it's difficult to think that way, but the kids will adapt. There is Skype, Facetime, etc. to enable "visits" without the travel.

Whatever the decision, it sounds like you have done your best for your mom.

First, I would like to thank everyone that responded. Thank you for your kind words and suggestions.

Mom lived on Staten Island and has friends there. The trouble is that her friends are probably less mobile than she is. The assisted living facility that my sister is looking into will be in NJ close to where my youngest sister lives so Mom won't get to see her friends nearly as often as she thinks. My youngest sister will visit her as often as she can as she has two young children still in school who are very active in sports and other social activities. My next younger sister lives in Long Island and doesn't drive so she won't visit much and my older sister lives in Richmond Virginia so she is almost between Fl and NJ. She lost two sons and I am the only son left and I think that she holds me closer for that reason. I just don't want my mom to have unrealistic expectations and I feel bad about popping her bubble but I want her to have the facts.

I think she could be happy with doctors here or up north but as all of you know there are many more doctors here that are used to caring for the older generation.

Mom has already said the she prefers the weather here which is a huge driving factor.

We just got back from taking her to Mission Oaks for lunch and a small church service. She seemed to like the place but it was a lot for her to take in. People were talking to her from all directions and she gets confused easily because her hearing and comprehension is an issue. Everyone was very, very nice and I don't think there can be a better place for her. She had a couple of friends here in the villages but they passed away. My MIL lives here and would visit her quite often as well as my wife's sister's in-laws. So she would get plenty of company. My wife has also gotten very close with her and is as much a daughter to her as any of my sisters. Mom calls my wife her right hand.

It's going to be tough on all of us in the beginning but we will adapt. I'm planning a conference call this week with my sisters to discuss this.

Thanks again to all and feel free to offer more suggestions.

[gomoho]

If you and your wife are her support system keep her close by in an assisted living facility in this area. You can't imagine the stress you will be under not knowing if she is getting the support she needs from your sisters. And when they are too busy with their lives to make regular visits or bring her to their homes for Sunday dinner you will be wondering why they aren't doing a better job.
I've been in this situation and everyone will best be served by having her in close proximity to the family members who will do the most for her. Good luck with your decision and bless your heart for the 2 great years she has enjoyed in Florida so far.

[missypie]

God Bless you and your wife and your mom.

[Villages PL]

Originally Posted by JoeC1947;5***61

My mom is considering going up north so my sisters won't have to travel so far.

If your mom is considering it, perhaps that is an indication that she misses being up north in familiar surroundings. All you can do is give her some time to think about it and honor her wishes.

[Schaumburger]

Just my opinion -- it sounds like your mom has the strongest support system with your and your wife and your wife's family in The Villages. Hopefully your sisters can come to terms with this. I play out this scenario about what lies ahead for my dad in a few years, so I feel for you. Keep us posted on what happens. Good luck to you all.

[asianthree]

Originally Posted by Villages PL

If your mom is considering it, perhaps that is an indication that she misses being up north in familiar surroundings. All you can do is give her some time to think about it and honor her wishes.

maybe she would like an extended visit

[Josie70]

[QUOTE=Schaumburger;543568]Just my opinion -- it sounds like your mom has the strongest support system with your and your wife and your wife's family in The Villages. Hopefully your sisters can come to terms with this. I play out this scenario about what lies ahead for my dad in a few years, so I feel for you. Keep us posted on what happens. Good luck to you all[FONT="Arial Black"][/
I am thing of doing the same thing my mother is 93 she will be 94 in Jan she can still cook and do other things but it is getting hard for her to them now....I am going to look up Mission Oaks and see what it has to offer...It is hard to put your mother in a home but it is hard for us to take care of them I am n72 years old very hard and she is not easy to get along with....FONT]

[runnermi]

My mom is 86 and starting to lose ground. She is still living at home, 3 doors down from my condo and still functioning well enough to not need assisted living.

Mom is the reason that I am not packing my bags for the Villages right now. I hate Michigan winters and can work any where there is a high speed internet connection and I have my laptop. However, everything she knows is here. Her Doctors, her friends, etc. It would be incredibly selfish of me to uproot her and take her away from everything familiar just for my own benefit. I will get to the Villages, it just may be a while yet.

I am a middle kid and the only sibling working full time. My sister lives 3 hours north and my brother, who is living in North Carolina currently, is a trainwreck. Or as I like to tell people, I am an only child with two siblings.

I gave mom two options recently as things were starting to overwhelm ME. Either we have someone come in for a few hours each week or every other week to do the linens, laundry, ironing and perhaps make a meal or two, or we are looking at Independent Living. Mom is still mobile enough right now to go that route. With a full time, stressful job, I just cannot do it all without help.

I found someone who is willing to come in and is reasonable. So.... Right now, I think we are going that route.

Good luck to you whatever you decide. Dealing with an aging parent is not for sissies.

I vote for keeping your mom closer to you. She loves the weather and is familiar with living in Florida. In your family, it sounds like you are the responsible one. Ignore your sisters and do what is best for your mom and for you.

[English Ivy]

Joe, you sound like a real nice, caring guy. Your Mom is lucky to have you for her son. Best of luck to all of you.

[TomW]

Sounds like a lot of tough decisions ahead. I can tell you from my own experience that I was always a little behind the curve in moving my mom to the next level of care. I tended to resist acknowledging her decline until the evidence was overwhelming which placed undue stress on the assisted living and, later, the memory care staff of the facility. This was when she was in her late 80 to mid 90s. Good luck and God Bless.