[JohnZ]

Oh what the heck.....another parrot joke....just for giggles.

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down next to him. The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange, and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes, and he was wearing bright, neon-colored clothes. The old man just stared at him. The boy looked at the older man and said in a smart tone, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The old man answered, "Well, yes, actually I have, son. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[REDCART]

Those last three jokes were for the birds...Let's get serious!

The Car Wreck

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold
Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but
amazingly neither of them are hurt.

God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars, there's
nothing left of them, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God
that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for
the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely;
this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My
car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle,
and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and
immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil creatures. Don't mess with them!

[REDCART]

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL .

More routine....

5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while le he deals with the situation.

Important again:

7. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....

8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10. Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11 The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

Is that about right, ladies?

[REDCART]

Subject: Nude Runner

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One
wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,
she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My
husband's home early!"

"I can't jump out the window - It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.
He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he
had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started
running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in
as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had
been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"

Another runner moved along side. "Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed
right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried,

"Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Nope.........just when it's raining

[REDCART]

Cowboy Joke

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud
towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your
herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
Connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page
on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get
an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The
young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe PhotoShop and to an
image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been
processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database
through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and,
after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color,
150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns
to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," said the
cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, Okay, why
not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess
that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how
much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about
cows...this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

[REDCART]

Lone Ranger & Tonto...

The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for
the night. After they got their tent all set up, both men
fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the
Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky,
what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions
of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past
three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord
is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber
than buffalo sh.it. It means someone stole tent."

[REDCART]

Subject: Book Reports

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" and "My Life"by Bill
Clinton and turn in a book report on each book.

One sharp-witted student turned in the following, with the proposition
that they were nearly identical stories and hence only One book report was
required!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent
catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love and subsequent
catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullsh*t artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica..ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary...
Basically, the same thing.

[REDCART]

PERKS OF BEING OVER 60

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to payoff.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells are finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list .


And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

[REDCART]

The Ant and the Grasshopper

OLD VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

MODERN VERSION:

This would be humorous if it were not such an accurate
metaphor!

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays
the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands
to know why the ant should be warm and well fed while others are cold and
starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, Fox and ABC show up to provide pictures of the
shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home
with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is
allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries
when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the
news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then
has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the
ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an
immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act
retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to
hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left topay
his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a
defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of
federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent
welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the
ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be
the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a
drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang
of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote.

[REDCART]

Take a diversion from politics for a few seconds...

In case you didn't know...

School: A place where Papa pays and son plays

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die rich

Nurse: A person who wakes you up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters

Divorce: Future tense of Marriage

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine water power

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after election

[REDCART]

Dog Minded

A man went to a psychiatrist and said he was worried that he was a dog.
"It's terrible," said the man, "I walk around on all fours. I keep barking in
the middle of the night and I can't go past a lamp post any more."

"Okay," said the psychiatrist. "Lie down on the couch."

The man replied, "I'm not allowed on the couch."

[REDCART]

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

[REDCART]

More Senior Humor...

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

[REDCART]

Since we haven't offended blondes lately...

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into
anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea,
and then ..." He sighed ................ "Let's put all of the Frosted Flakes back in the box.



Going to take a break for a few days down in balmy Village land where we intend to stay cool with some of that
delicious Bruster's Ice Cream...Please feel free to add your own humor to this thread.
I never intended to be the sole source here.

[REDCART]

Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and a voice in the dark said, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you"

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."